My husband and I have been really struggling for two years to put our relationship back together after 35 years of little to no dating, independent behavior, disrespect, passive aggressive behavior and general neglect. I believe he recognizes that his past inattentiveness has been destructive and is little by little making an effort to change. I am extremely resentful (Stage 3?) but am doing my best to be respectful and turn off the criticism. My challenge is that I am looking at Valentine's Day in a couple of days and I have little to no romantic feelings toward him. I want to acknowledge the day and reward my husband for his efforts so far but I am having a difficult time coming up with an appropriate gift or activity to celebrate the day. I am hoping someone in this group might have some suggestions for how to handle this apathy that I feel toward a day that I used to love celebrating. Maybe others have experienced the same problem and can offer me some help. I do believe my husband may have purchased a thoughtful gift for me and I want to reciprocate. I might add that I was diagnosed with a chronic illness and have been feeling physically unwell since October 2019. Because of my pain and low energy, our sex life has been non-existent. I don't see that changing in the near future, which does not help the romance of the day. I am certain that would be his first choice of "gifts" if he were asked.

Well, certainly you should not be doing something that you feel reluctant about.

Do you really have to celebrate this day at all? It has been created as a celebratory day for commercial reasons, but if there are no romantic feelings from you about it, why do you feel you need to celebrate it?

Now that you are struggling to put your relationship back together, do you go out on normal dates? How often during a week?

I feel like acknowledging the day as a nod to his efforts to work on the relationship. I believe in positive reinforcement. As I said, I believe he has plans to give me a meaningful gift that he made an effort to get himself and on time, a definite improvement from the past. I want to reciprocate in spite of my feelings.

In answer to your question regarding dating, the answer is no. He has been resistant to date during our entire marriage and now because of my health, I don't feel like it. What bothers me is the deep resentment I feel about his years of unwillingness to invest in the relationship and how it has created these apathetic feelings for me now that he is making small efforts to change. I am actually afraid that I will never love him again. I am feeling like if I can do the things that look like love then maybe the feeling will return. Hence my ambivalence.

Ranchgirl, Do you want to fall in love again? Because the KEY to success will be the Policy of undivided attention. Are you aware that the rest of the program doesn't even work without this step? Couples who refuse to follow this step don't fall in love again. Is he still resistant to this step? If so, why?

It takes 15 hours per week of UA to maintain romantic love and 20-25 hours per week to create. Couples who have fallen out of love always resist this step at first. But once they do it, they fall in love again. They actually look forward to their dates. Dr Harley recommends 4-4 hour dates per week OUT OF THE HOUSE meeting the top four intimate emotional needs of conversation, affection, rec companionship and sexual fulfillment. Check this out: THE POLICY OF UNDIVIDED ATTENTION

The fastest way to make the GREATEST impact on your marriage is dating. And it doesn't take 2 years to fall in love. It takes a few weeks.

Have you both ended lovebusters? Is he willing to meet your needs?

I find what you are saying to be contradictory. In some parts of your post you are saying that you don't want to do anything for Valentine's Day, but in other parts, that you do - but let's leave that aside for now.

I don't think you need to do anything about Valentine's Day. Based on what you've told us in this and your other thread, your husband has systematically, and very successfully, alienated you from the marriage to the point of withdrawal. You've been trying to draw him in for years and he has not been responsive to this. Now he has begun making small efforts, and if he gives you something thoughtful for Valentine's Day as you suspect he will, that will be another attempt at filling your love bank - as he should be trying very hard to do.

The "positive reinforcement" that you want to give him will be if you feel enough pleasure at his efforts to show that you appreciate them. If he does a good enough job, this reinforcement will build over time, when you gradually emerge from withdrawal - which you will do if, and only if, he keeps up his loving behaviour and commits no love busters. He needs to do things that are pleasurable or thoughtful enough for you to respond to, and he needs to keep this up for good.

If you get him a gift, or arrange a nice day, in anticipation of his doing something nice for you, that wouldn't be "positive reinforcement" - you can't arrange your appreciation prior to receiving the gift, whatever it turns out to be. Don't attempt to fake your love for him in the hope that it will come if you act as if you love him. He needs to meet your needs and commit no love busters - in other words, to fill his account in your love bank - in order for you to fall in love with him. It is not up to you to make yourself fall in love with him, and indeed, it doesn't work like that.

It's up to him to get back into your good graces, and he should't miss the opportunity.