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Its funny its like I can read my BF like a book. Just as i put the above post this happened.....

He just text the old IM that he was feeling sad not to facetime the kids tonight and that he guesses he will see them Sat, but football probably cancelled.
That he does not like the time diffference of the new IM being in Australia.

It sounds like he is really struggling right now. He must be in a whole world of pain and I am feeling for him. I couldn't cope.

He did get informed by new IM that he could call the kids anytime in the evening on the home phone.......

Last edited by Coolbeginnings; 02/13/20 03:12 PM.
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So your old IM is still passing unneeded information to you? You need to close this hole and tell her that you don’t want to hear anything about him. Every time there’s a break in your plan B you can see how it sets you back to square one. Can you see that?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Coolbeginnings,

You're also breaking your Plan B by constantly thinking about BF and writing about him. These are also holes in your Plan B that you need to close if you want to heal. Many of us have gone through what you're going through, and we feel for you because of that. When I read your posts, I can feel the stress and anxiety you're having from constantly thinking and talking about BF. If you really want the healing of Plan B, you can't let him occupy your mind like this. You'll be constantly triggered if you do. It's a hard habit to break, I know from experience.

I remember a great suggestion one of the forum vets gave once. If you find your mind wandering back to thoughts about BF, picture a big red stop sign, then think of something else. I've heard that others break a habit by wearing a rubber band around their wrist, and snapping it when they catch themselves thinking about a trigger. Whatever you have to do to train yourself to stop dwelling on BF.

Good luck, and I hope you feel better!

abrrba


BH (me) 50, WxW 47
Married 1994
D-day, plan A, & exposure Jan 2017
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Thank abrrba for all those great suggestions - I will try and follow those to focus to start proper healing.

I am staying very dark despite a very overbearing BF. My brother has been an excellent IM and I have only heard from him once all week.

Usual feelings of being low/flat in the morning and gradually improving as day goes on.

Starting to think that BF is an absolute narcissist - read up a bit about that and many of the symptoms were apparent in our relationship. Still having the occasional nightmare about how he treated me.

Thanks again all for helping me get through this. Staying DARK.....




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Good job, CB!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Woke up this morning feeling ok for the first time not low and sad! Yippeeee

5 weeks since BF left.....

I so need some sunshine though - and it has not stopped raining in the UK today....lol.

Really making the most of this time with the kids and enjoying them. Been able to give them my attention much more. They almost seem more balanced and happy.

We are off to the cinema today and then afternoon fun at home.

Bring on Spring!

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and just the day I wake up feeling so good guess who shows up?

So BF contacted IM to see if he could collect a bike from the house today. I let IM know that was fine as were out most of the day back about 4pm. As soon as the kids and I got back to the house, 10 minutes later BF turns up, but this time instead of parking at the end of the drive, he parked right outside the front door. I hid upstairs in the bedroom so he couldnt see me. Then he was outside pacing around looking through the window for about half an hour. He started doing a few chores in the garden and then left. How strange.


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sorry guys I started the day off so well I am still ok but...

BF is relentless - nothing of any substance - but is trying to contact me in some indirect way every day.

I came of his instagram account - and now he has set a new account up with our son on it. This time posting a picture of our DS eating my mothers marmalade in our house. Referring to my mother.


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Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
BF is relentless - nothing of any substance - but is trying to contact me in some indirect way every day.

Control freaks never give up. He is spending his entire waking hours plotting ways to break your plan B. Can you stop using Instagram?


3 adult children
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Thanks Living Well

Why doesn’t he just surrender to the Plan B letter? Agggggggggggh

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I am so angry with him. I just can't help it. He is putting us all through this, my DS heart is broken.

BF was so horrible to me, with every fibre of his being. I just don't know what made him turn. I thought we were happy as can be and then about 2 years ago he changed - is that when the mask slipped? I don't know.

18 months ago when I asked him why he hasn't asked to marry me he told me that why would we do that? Do we just pretend we are in love? The question I had always been afraid of asking because I was scared of the answer then I asked it and he said that smile

1. The confusion of the relationship, of him always wanting me there but also pushing me away.
2. Him telling me that 'things haven't been right since we had DD' - I had 2 children under for 2 for goodness sakes. I looked back over old emails and he was obviously feeling deprived of SF but also sounded very in love?
3. That he was never going to leave - 'we have what we have'
4. Telling me on the first night of the skiing holiday that he 'ffffing despised me' and I cant remember what we actually rowed about ??!
5. How he said if I had 'behaved' i would have had a lot more
6. All the memory bank listing of all the things I had 'done wrong'

I just don't understand any of it. We could have had it all forever. You would think he would be relieved to be away from me? Not trying to break the Plan B. Can someone try and explain this behavior? Did he simply go off me and get bored no challenge? He gave up smoking about that time was it that the withdrawal contributed to such behaviour?

I know from his past history that he has NEVER lived with anyone harmoniously.

I wrote Dr Harley just before I sent the Plan B Letter - he said;

He does what he pleases because there is very little recourse for you when you object. The point of the separation is to put the ball in his court.


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i am absolutely rubbish at this.

I should be thinking that I am well out of this relationship and reality is I am sat pining waiting for him to come back, when he is off building his new life without even looking back.

I seem to swing on a pendulum one moment looking forward thinking i have my self respect and I am doing great - to the other side which is looking for sings/crumbs that he still cares. I am mostly on the negative side.

The truth is I am devastated I was not good enough for him.

Also I broke Plan B. I didnt block my number he has sent me 2 messages a day for the last 3 days and I have ignored all of them. Then today i text him to see if he wanted to facetime the kids because I thought he must be suffering and also by texting him would open up a window...RUBBISH.

so sorry i am rubbish at this. I have been with someone for 9 years we were madly in love and then suddenly it all went wrong. He has been so not interested for 1 year even telling another woman that he was mad about her, and I am sat here pining for him. What does that say about me. Absolutely rubbish.

I want this whole thing to be over. I dont have the strength or self esteem to see this through. I miss my family and I HATE having to say bye to my kids every few days when I am use to having them under my roof every night. I want to spend my life with the father of my children, not a single woman missing a piece.

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Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
Thanks Living Well

Why doesn’t he just surrender to the Plan B letter? Agggggggggggh

He can't surrender. His entire belief system has been built around overcoming obstacles by brute force. But give it a year. You want to be able to look back and know you did everything you could.


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It is a school holiday for the children this week. BF has just picked them up to take them away for 2 nights. DS didn't want to go. I didn't want them to go.

Then I get the children back on Thursday and BF wants to take DS to a rugby match on Sunday, when it is my day with him. I am torn. My son doesnt even play or like rugby but BF is saying it is a once in a lifetime opportunity.

I hope he rots in hell for taking my children away from me.

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This is hell. I really can’t believe it’s happening to me.

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Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
Then I get the children back on Thursday and BF wants to take DS to a rugby match on Sunday, when it is my day with him. I am torn. My son doesnt even play or like rugby but BF is saying it is a once in a lifetime opportunity.

Very important you not to let BF know you care. That means smiling and saying nothing to the children about how much you miss them. I remember my XH telling me he wanted the dog in the divorce. I immediately said 'no problem, when would you like her?'. At that point the request for the dog magically vanished from the divorce papers. BF is doing this to needle you. Don't be needled.

At the same time, hand off the issue of how and when to see his father to DS. Tell DS that you will support whatever decision he makes. That you know it is important he has a relationship with his father but that he should tell his father what he likes and what he does not like. But quietly keep careful records of every visit to his father and everything your son says to you with dates and times.


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Great advice thank you Living_Well

I am going to start calling it his 'daily needling attempt'.

OK so had a bad day today, kids going away for 2 nights, yes I know I am a total wimp. Better day tomorrow.


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Feeling empowered after doing some soul searching reading. I need to remember WHY I am doing all of this, I am actually quite proud of myself. At the end of the day this will happen

1. He realises how much he loves me / his family and will do what it takes (and not treat me like a pair of comfy old shoes)
2. He won't and we will split for good - which means that at some point i can meet and fall in love with someone else who will love me enough to marry me

I am getting there. Yes I have tried to close many holes in the PLan B and hopefully I am getting there, with a very overbearing BF.

Thanks again for all your support.

Rollercoasters have never been my favourite!!!!

Last edited by Coolbeginnings; 02/18/20 03:56 PM.
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Morning Peeps.

Still here still posting.

Been spending time focusing on me much more and working out who CoolB is. I have all this time now so started to make a little list of what I would like to do...

Expand social circle - I have some amazing friends I would just like to meet some new people who dont know anything about the situation
Join a tennis club - always quite good at it so would like to join something
Do more yoga - i always feel so much better after a yoga session - I have booked a day retreat for next Thursday
Have always wanted to go to Copenhagen so may book a weekend to go there..on my own or is that a bit weird?

I am finding that I am actually quite isolated and although I have some lovely friends around me, I cut a lot of people off when I met BF. So I am almost a bit bored.

Anyway I also get the children back today wooohooo.

Happy Thursday everyone.

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Have you closed all your Plan B holes? You have blocked all his ways to contact you? No more social media? No more being around when the kids face time with him?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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