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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Have you closed all your Plan B holes? You have blocked all his ways to contact you? No more social media? No more being around when the kids face time with him?

HI BH - thanks for your post.

Yes all holes plugged. No social media or face time. I have asked he call the home phone to speak to the children so I dont have to hear his voice.

Today BF dropped DD of this morning and then took DS to his football trial at a big local club. When he dropped DS off, instead of dropping him off at the end of the drive as he usually does, this time he caught me as I opened the door and was stood on the doorstep. I said hi and went to walk in the house and he tried to engage me in conversation about DS football trial. I said that sounds great, ok got to go bye, cut it short and walked in the house. BF looked downcast and walked off and said 'See you soon'. For the first time in years it was like I was in control of the situation, not him. It felt good.

That is the first time I have spoken to him or had any eye contact in 5 weeks. I stayed very calm and strong. However, I cannot get over how awful he looked. He has lost a ton of weight and gone grey overnight.

I couldn't help myself and asked DS if Daddy was ok? He said he keeps 'having moments' (this is what DS calls them) 4 or 5 times per day. I said what does he do when the his happens? DS said his chin wobbles and he looks really sad and asks for cuddles and sometimes he even cries.

He is clearly suffering, i am quite shocked. Maybe I am being naive. I thought he would be showing me that he is flourishing and rubbing it all in my face.

Maybe there is a tiny window of hope after all.

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Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
He is clearly suffering, i am quite shocked. Maybe I am being naive. I thought he would be showing me that he is flourishing and rubbing it all in my face.

Maybe there is a tiny window of hope after all.

This is a marathon not a sprint. See if he actually follows through on the demands you put in your Plan B letter. Actions not words. Everything else is just a pity party.


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Oh dear - I really really miss him today. I miss the old BF not the person he turned into.

I don't know where this is going to end up. I am doing so much better than the early days and the longer I am away from him the more I am starting to see his poor treatment of me, no wonder I felt so awful the last year.

Still hiding a bit from life and facing people.

There are the friends I really trust and who have been awesome. However, there is people who I have seen who are just after the gossip and keep asking me for the latest 'update'. Quite embarassing really.

I have two sisters one who has been amazing the other who I have never really got on with. I have always felt with the other sister that she has always liked to see my fail and has always been quite jealous of me. I have kind of cut her off through this process. He had only been gone about 5 days and she started to tell lots of people what happened and I ended up pulling her about it and saying it is for me to tell people not you. I really cant be round disingenious people at the moment - does anyone get that? ONly people who have my really interests at heart.

You certainly find out who your true friends are through this process.

Still that aside I really do miss us being a family and all the fun we had. Praying daily.


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Consider the fact that the old and nice boyfriend may have never existed...


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Depressed, sad and lonely. Missing our family unit. Still missing BF. Not adjusting to my 'new life' at all.

BF has set up a new instagram account for our son. I took a peak this morning. He is posting pics of our DS in the house, as though he is still living here. I know snooping was a Plan B break. I just couldn't help it.

Can someone tell me if any of these signs good? That he may change or crack under pressure....................:(

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Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
Can someone tell me if any of these signs good? That he may change or crack under pressure....................:(

Nope, it's same old same old. Once you stop breaking plan B, you will quickly see that this behaviour is just more horse manure.

A decision to change (which will only happen if/when he hits bottom, will look completely different. It will start with a realisation on his part that he has wronged you. The first you will hear of it is when he cannot take the children for a while because he is in rehab.


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Originally Posted by living_well
Once you stop breaking plan B, you will quickly see that this behaviour is just more horse manure.

THIS MADE ME CHUCKLE...but it is so depressing. Now my emotions have calmed down I am starting to realise how badly he treated me in the end. I even looked at old photos and saw that I looked really ill.

I just can never see him coming to that realisation. I think what he is trying to do is break my Plan B so that we can open up communication and then we just pick up where we left off...It is a marathon.

He will probably just end up meeting someone else, much easier to start something new then rebuild the old. I can't even imagine going on a date, I couldnt think of anything worse. It would still feel like I was cheating on BF.

BF told the children he only has 4 months left in his 'temporary house', I said what happens then and DS said he comes home............

Thanks again for your post..

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I am so annoyed and fed up with myself.

I just met up with a really close friend today for dinner with the children, who I met through BF. Her husband is supporting BF through this separation and ofcourse she wants to stay neutral through this process. Meeting up with her is a major trigger in this process and was not a good idea. I made it clear to her that I am doing well and getting on with life. Seeing her was just a reminding of my life with him, and I am so annoyed at myself for being so sensitive and soft.

I am so fed up with myself to come from such a bad relationship to now spending my every waking hour looking for signs of clues that he still loves or cares about me. This is what I am actually doing!!! I am looking up youtube videos to watch 'signs that your ex wants you back' and everytime he tries to break PLan B I am secretly pleased because it is showing that he is affected in some way and trying to have some sort of contact Here I am at the age of 44 still searching for crumbs as I believe I have so little self worth. This is how the relationship was for 2 years and continues to be that way.

I have sent him a Plan B letter and he has done NOTHING about it. I think he is clearly happy with the situation and moving on. Yet I am stuck pining for something that never was trying to keep my head above water.

I just want out now, I really really crave the Plan B.

I also have another confession is that he is texting me almost daily something to do with the children. Just things like, can you pack a water bootle, or please put a coat in that kind of thing. On Thursday after I spoke to him at the doorway, later that evening he sent me a picture of DS at the football and I responded.......!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Maybe I need to get the IM to send him a message not to contact me on phone? I even regret sending the Plan B letter as he has done nothing in it.

Why am I so weak? I am intelligent degree educated woman with good job, great friends, lovely family, 2 wonderful children. I would like to consider myself reasonably attractive and here I am sat pining for BF that never really wanted me anyway.

I want to close the door and move on completely.

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Do you ever plan to implement Plan B? You have never been in Plan B. You have always been in Plan C, which isn’t a plan.


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Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Do you ever plan to implement Plan B? You have never been in Plan B. You have always been in Plan C, which isn’t a plan.

I am just rubbish at it, I dont think I can do it. I am worried that cutting off contact completely closes the door. Do you think I should contact IM to tell him not to contact me on phone? Thats the only method of contact now.

I am going to book an appointment with the docs, I can feel PMT coming on and not sure I can deal.

DD who is only 6 keeps saying to me that she doesn't want to stay at DD tomorrow night. She has said it about 5 times. She is very clingy with me at the moment and follows me from room to room. I am thinking of emailing IM letting BF know that maybe she shouldn't stay at his tomorrow. Advice please???

Last edited by Coolbeginnings; 02/24/20 04:39 AM.
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Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
I am just rubbish at it, I dont think I can do it. I am worried that cutting off contact completely closes the door.

Cutting off contact completely will START the clock. Nothing happens until then. Right now he does not even think you are serious.

Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
Do you think I should contact IM to tell him not to contact me on phone? Thats the only method of contact now.

Yes, tell IM no contact but also block him.

Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
DD who is only 6 keeps saying to me that she doesn't want to stay at DD tomorrow night. She has said it about 5 times.

Tell her to explain to her father that she does not want to go. Don't get in the middle of this.

How are you doing with protecting your finances and getting primary custody?


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Thank you Living_well - I cannot tell you how much strength I get through your posts.

OK so I have emailed my brother who is acting as IM to tell him no contact through my mobile as per the letter I sent him. Last door closed. I am most scared to do this of all things. I know how BF works and if he wanted to come back he would just do it by opening the lines of communication rather than any grand gesture.

Will tell DD to let Daddy know about overnight stay. DS & DD always seem afraid to tell their father how they feel, they are always worried about upsetting him.

I have an appointment booked with the solicitors for this Friday to discuss finances and custody.

I also need to realise that this process is building up my life too. I should see it as a chance to make my life great with or without him.

We were suppose to be going to the Caribbean 3 weeks in April all booked and paid for, maybe I should go on my own with the kids???


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Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
Thank you Living_well - I cannot tell you how much strength I get through your posts.
grin

Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
OK so I have emailed my brother who is acting as IM to tell him no contact through my mobile as per the letter I sent him. Last door closed. I am most scared to do this of all things. I know how BF works and if he wanted to come back he would just do it by opening the lines of communication rather than any grand gesture.

He will have to convince your IM that he has turned himself around. Brother will be far more objective than you so trust him.

Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
Will tell DD to let Daddy know about overnight stay. DS & DD always seem afraid to tell their father how they feel, they are always worried about upsetting him.

Children can cope with the truth, it is lies that damage them. Talk to them both together. Explain that Daddy will not listen to you because he will just think you are doing this to get at him. But that DD can ask DS to advocate for her if she is worried.

Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
I have an appointment booked with the solicitors for this Friday to discuss finances and custody.

You will feel so much better once you have done this. Be sure to tell solicitor he is threatening to move back in 4 months. You may need an order of protection.

Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
I also need to realise that this process is building up my life too. I should see it as a chance to make my life great with or without him.

Yes indeed

Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
We were suppose to be going to the Caribbean 3 weeks in April all booked and paid for, maybe I should go on my own with the kids???

That's a tough one. Of course you should go if you can but what if he shows up? He is just as entitled to be there as you are. Maybe ask the solicitor about this one on Friday.


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If you go without him, will you be thinking 'if he would have been here with me...' all the time?

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I received another text from BF yesterday;

"is DS ok? I have been horrendously poorly since last night, shivers, sickness ect. Hope he's ok'.

It sounds to me by sending this that he is missing me, and is poorly and wants some sympathy. Who knows?!

I ignored the text and this morning have informed my brother (IM) to tell BF that as stated in the letter i would not like to have any direct contact with him.

I am putting so much trust in this Plan/Marriage Builders. This is almost as hard as giving him the Plan B letter. The way I thought we would resolve things would be keeping some line of communication open as I know thats how he works. This is SCARY.

This man will never agree to the terms of the letter and will just want to slide his way back into my life gently.

I MISS HIM.

Thanks again all.


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I AM REALLY WORRIED.

I dont know if a truely dark Plan B is a good thing or not, I have read alot of threads where being dark apparently involves still having short email/phone calls/visual glimpses of each other and they recovered.

HELP

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Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
I ignored the text and this morning have informed my brother (IM) to tell BF that as stated in the letter i would not like to have any direct contact with him.

and now block him

Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
I am putting so much trust in this Plan/Marriage Builders. This is almost as hard as giving him the Plan B letter. The way I thought we would resolve things would be keeping some line of communication open as I know thats how he works. This is SCARY.

This man will never agree to the terms of the letter and will just want to slide his way back into my life gently.

Yes and remember how well that worked for you when he did that last year?

Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
I MISS HIM.

Plan B is about protecting what love you still have for BF in the hope that he will decide to meet your terms. If he cannot or will not meet your terms, you will go out into the world knowing that you did everything you could. Your children are seeing that too. But plan B does not work if it leaks. It needs to be completely watertight.



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Just heard from IM that BF emailed him last night asking me to pick up DD. She told BF she didn't want to stay at his house and BF contacted IM to get me to pick her up. I didn't get the message until this morning. Feeling really bad about that. Have told IM to tell BF if there is anything like that again to contact my mother.

MY IM is being brilliant filtering stuff through. Although he did mention that BF is concerned about me coming off the football whats app group and having an IM in a different time zone.

Started a period today really early - like 1 week early. Never happens, think it could be the stress of this whole horrendous situation.

I really missed the kids last night.

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Just spoke to one my best female friends. She has been in a long marriage with a partner who has IB, affairs you name it. Most recently she has caught some sort of infection.

Thing is she always make out she has the most amazing marriage. Most recently she has given up drink because he told her he had flirted with another man when she was drunk (she didn't).

I have been avoiding her since the break up. I cannot believe I am admitting this but in some way I am jealous she is still in her relationship and I am not.

How pathetic.

Struggling today people. 6 weeks since he left. NO sign of any attempt to make any difference apart from multiple attempts to break NC.

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Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
Just heard from IM that BF emailed him last night asking me to pick up DD. She told BF she didn't want to stay at his house and BF contacted IM to get me to pick her up. I didn't get the message until this morning. Feeling really bad about that. Have told IM to tell BF if there is anything like that again to contact my mother.

Can you arrange for DS to get in touch with you if there is an emergency like this? Might be easier than going through Mum. Great that DD spoke out by the way.


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