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Being silly and allowed myself to become annoyed by something BF said to DS.

He only was honest in what he said to DS and I should not be angry Or hurt. It probably is the truth. It just takes me back to an anxious feeling I always had in the relationship, which was BFF not being fully committed/ambivalent. This is why I am doing what I doing to get away from that!

I feel a change in me more accepting of the future without him. I have walked around all day on my own happy in my own skin. Dark Plan B is good for me even though scary at first. I know he is very annoyed about me cutting off phone contact. That got mentioned by the children again.

I guess I am struggling with telling DS his mum and Dad are never going to be together again. It is also hard to hear this out loud from DS.

I am better off away from this man the way he is, the distance is good for the children too. We all know that the possibility of change/remorse is near to zero.

He also told the children that he was heartbroken when he was not with them.

There is a parents evening on Tuesday which he wrote his name down for. I let him know through IM that I would be going as well. He got really annoyed about that to the kids. Oh well, is there anything I do which doesn’t annoy him????

Night all


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Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
Thanks LWFH

DS asked BF today if you and Mum will be back together by my birthday, BF said I don’t think so son. Then DS asked if we would ever get back together and BF answered I don’t think so son.

OMG.

I guess that’s it then.
How did you find this out?


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Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Because DS told me. I should have stopped him. He is very chatty about the break up.

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You really need to sit down with your children and tell them that you are much healthier having no contact with their father, which includes them telling you about their conversations. This is so you will be able to live with some sense of peace again. Hearing about him sends you into a spin. Plan B doesn't mean the relationship is over. It means until the relationship becomes healthy again, your emotional health is protected. The stress is going to wear you down.

When your kids want to talk with you about their conversations with their father, immediately hold up your hand and let them know you don't want to hear it. This is what it means to go dark. You aren't hearing about him or from him - just notes from your IM about when the children are to be with him. Plan B is about protecting yourself from the stress and chaos of the relationship as it is now. Please remind me. Did you write a Plan B letter to him specifying what it will take to get back together?


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I have allowed him to get to me. I have been awake most of the night.

3 things.

1 taking the children the our friends house on Friday - they are his ‘new friends’ and I know he has been confiding in the girl
2 getting our DS to shave his back he only does this if someone is going to see it which means he probably has a woman on the go
3 saying he doesn’t think we will get back together

I feel like all the above was made to get at me, and all the other things before. BUT they probably aren’t they are just him moving on frown

I am annoyed that I didn’t react to the way he was behaving last week. He was trying to reconnect with me and I ignored under Plan B. DS even said to me Mum if you responded then maybe Dad would have apologised and you would be sorting things out.

So now I have been up most the night.

I am still totally in love with him. How am I going to cope with when he actually has a new GF and starts introducing her to everyone? My mind is going crazy thinking what’s he up to???

My saving grace is that I am primary carer of the children. He gets them 8 nights per month. That’s all.






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Yes I gave him a Plan B letter 3 weeks ago frown

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I am punishing myself for not responding to his communications. His texts etc...I feel I should have responded

I have pains in my chest and my anxiety levels are high.

How could he tell our DS we are never getting back together???

I need to pull myself together it will get better as the day goes i am in a bad way I knew this would happen.

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Oh, cool. I'm so so sorry. I'm devastated for you. It brings me back to everything I went through with my husband.

Please trust your instincts. Believe when people tell you who they are. If he is done, he is done. In retrospect, I'm pretty sure my husband was doing the same thing during his affair.

*hugs* I can't believe he's doing this to you. *cries* I wouldn't wish your pain on my worst enemy. I know it hurts. Get away from him. There's nothing you can do to stop him from getting with this woman. I'm so sorry! I wish I had advice that will make the pain stop.

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Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
I am punishing myself for not responding to his communications. His texts etc...I feel I should have responded

I have pains in my chest and my anxiety levels are high.

How could he tell our DS we are never getting back together???

I need to pull myself together it will get better as the day goes i am in a bad way I knew this would happen.

Please get to your doctor this week to see about short term meds for anxiety and depression. They will help, although it usually takes a week or two to kick in. For immediate help, ask for something that will work right away to reduce your anxiety.

Your boyfriend should have communicated his intention to change through your IM. That way you would have known he was serious about the first step. Trying to break the Plan B protection wall is a way for him to call the shots and be in control. Remember to tell your children you don't want to hear about their father, his conversations with them, their thoughts and "advice" about what you should have done. Get some exercise and go be with some friends and don't discuss your boyfriend or your situation with them. If they ask, tell them you are not in contact with him and don't want to talk about it. Stay dark, even in your thoughts. Several threads of women in Plan B said they would wear a rubber band around their wrist and snap it when they started ruminating and dwelling on their situation.


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Thanks guys I have pulled myself out the pit of despair and I am back in the room. It is so sunny here today so the kids and I went out for a long walk with some friends in the fresh air.

Have docs this week so might get something to see me through.

BF turned up at the house today randomly to drop some item of kids clothing. The kids and I were out.

You know what I am going to be ok. The only hole of Plan B now is me stopping asking the kids about him. Cutting off contact was the only way I know that now.

I am pretty resolute that I never want to get back with someone who treated me so poorly. I am fine with that and there is a glimmer of hope & happiness for the future.

As Living Well said, I let him needle me today. Only for half the day though!!!!!

Last edited by Coolbeginnings; 03/01/20 09:57 AM.
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Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
As Living Well said, I let him needle me today. Only for half the day though!!!!!

naughty

Hey, nobody is perfect all the time


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So for what was a hell of a morning turned out to be a wonderful evening. I am so blessed with DS and DD they are just wonderful in every way.

We cooked together and put on some loud music and danced together. My DD who is 6 loves Grease so we danced our socks off to that in the lounge.

I have worked out DS who is 7 is a right little minx. He loves ‘pillow talk’ at night time when he gets everything off his chest. I now have an elastic band whenever I feel tempted to bring up BF I snap it. Because pillow talk is my vulnerable time.

So DS saw me looking at Louis Vuitton bags on my phone and told me that he told BF that Mum has been looking at LV bags and they are £2k each. He said that BF got really mad and started saying it’s me paying for all these things son!!!! Then DS said Dad you need to calm down you need anger mgmt and BF apparently got really angry and started shouting. I did tell DS off for being disrespectful but boy did we laugh so much. We cried with laughter because I am definitely not getting an LV bag and forcDS to suggest anger management! I have sussed DS our though he is playing us off on each other winding each other up. So I have pulled him on that.

Dear me kids hey!

Thanks All for being here

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Hi Peeps

I have to admit I have allowed his comment ‘I am never coming back’. My belief is that was said out of anger after I have blocked his number and not answered his text messages.

From his point of view we established contact 10 days ago, with us sending some messages about the children, him sending me pictures and even having a conversation on the doorstep. The he reaches out by telling me his poorly (expecting me to show sympathy) and I ignored his messages and then he thinks I went out an a date. He also is really annoyed because he put his name down on the list for parents evening at the school. I let him know through IM that I would join him. He kicked off about that in front of the children and said you mother is taking my parents evening away from me. Wah! Wah! Wah!

My feeling is he is really angry. That his state of mind at the moment.

However, I have allowed his antics at the weekend to get to me and can’t shake off the anxiety feeling. I keep thinking back to how he treated me last year and not allow him to make me feel rubbish about myself the way he did. I have to keep focused on how awful he was to me, the arrogance and entitlement.

I am staying strong and have not reacted to anything he did at the weekend, even in anger, spite or panic or whatever. I have responded appropriately to his requests to IM. He sent one through this morning complaining about something my son has access to on his IPad. Even though BF has set up an Instagram account for my son which has open access!!!!!

I have to think of it - the cheek of it - I am not coming back!! I asked you to leave and what makes him think I want him back the way he has been.

I am proud of myself I have not allowed him to provoke me I anyway. I have not contacted him once.

Not sure if he is going to parents evening tonight but I am not missing out. I am going there for the children.

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Also started a course of Anti DS today.

Reality of splitting up is hitting me like a train. Getting lots of messages from friends....makes me feel sick.

Pressure is really mounting for me! Isn’t it supposed to be for him, not me???!!!!

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Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
Also started a course of Anti DS today.

Reality of splitting up is hitting me like a train. Getting lots of messages from friends....makes me feel sick.

Pressure is really mounting for me! Isn’t it supposed to be for him, not me???!!!!

Cool, you are over thinking this. It is really not complicated at all. Either he meets your plan B requirements or he does not. His choice but a win for you, no matter what. You get out of a toxic situation either because he has seen the light or because he is history.

Find your inner terrier, you know you can do this.


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Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
Also started a course of Anti DS today.

Reality of splitting up is hitting me like a train. Getting lots of messages from friends....makes me feel sick.

Pressure is really mounting for me! Isn’t it supposed to be for him, not me???!!!!

Plan B is for you, not to build pressure for him. It's to protect you from the drama and stress, which will affect your emotional, mental, and physical health.


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Originally Posted by LongWayFromHome
Plan B is for you, not to build pressure for him. It's to protect you from the drama and stress, which will affect your emotional, mental, and physical health.

I would second this. I made the mistake of not going into Plan B soon enough; I spent too long in plan A. The result was that I so hated him by the time I went into plan B that there was no chance of saving anything. Plans A and B were not as clearly spelled out then. As you clearly have love left, do what you can to protect it with no contact.


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Hi Peeps

I have had a good week. Been getting into work and focusing on the children and had my first tennis lesson today!

Had a lot of messages through the week from BF. I am not sure whether he is really moving on or trying to yank my chain, I think he is decided it’s over and trying to move on with his life. Or maybe he is trying to get a reaction who knows.

1 message from IM on Weds from BF was unhappy with my DS using a certain app on his iPad.
2 message on Thursday saying that can I actually make DS chat to him on the phone? As he didn’t feel like DS wanted to talk to him.
3. Today this morning - That he isn’t happy with me making a change to the schedule next week. That he would like to stick to a regular schedule without changes. Can’t believe this one since only this week he asked to make a change to take DS to football Monday night!
4. Today this afternoon - That he would like the flight details for Antigua to see if he can get a refund on flights?

It’s funny I don’t even feel needled at all anymore. Yes whatever BF! Whatever you want..::

Funny something has definetly shifted in me.

Living Well is he trying to needle me? Why?

I am feeling so good this week:)


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Were all these messages through your IM or directly to you?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Hi BH

Yes all via IM. There was more stuff but filtered out.

Another message via IM this evening - BF said he didn’t have time to pick up overnight stuff from house and heard from a friend that you are out on the town tonight, could you please drop DD blanket off on way out to his place?!

Ermmm no! Just ignore.


Last edited by Coolbeginnings; 03/06/20 12:41 PM.
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