So my wife dropped the bomb on me 2/29. The classic haven’t loved you for a long time, not attracted to you etc. then she wanted to go lightspeed to get to the divorce.

Long story short after a couple weeks I decided to hire a PI. They have confirmed the affair with a coworker. She’s 38 and a manger for a local city department. He is 55 and a Director for a different department for the city. The PI doesn’t yet have enough proof for adultery in court.

We are supposed to officially separate Sunday. The PI wants to try agin to get all he needs (a display of affection). The attorney I talked to is only giving divorce advice but I need save my marriage advice. Do I blow this up before I try to get the proof for court? We have 2 kids and have been married 12 years. She is being very reasonable in her divorce requests so I don’t need leverage right now for those reasons.

Welcome to MB and sorry for what has brought you here.

What is the evidence the PI has collected?

Is the OM married?

Evidence is her entering house and staying for 2 hours. Leaves car in wal mart parking lot. Walks across lot to his car. Same coming back. Sneak away to meet at lunch. I’ve also found clearly soiled underwear the next morning multiple times recently. For court they are just missing the display of affection to prove intention

The OM is divorced.

BrokenAC, welcome to Marriage Builders. How soon can the PI get direct evidence? I believe you have enough now to expose the affair but not enough for a court of law. I would read up on exposure and start making plans. Exposure is your greatest weapon in saving your marriage. Please go read the link in my signature and come back and we can help you with next steps.

Did you save that underwear? You can order a semen testing kit and get evidence that way. Checkmate semen detection kit

Do you have spyware on her phone? Can you get ahold of it?

The PI got the evidence needed Friday afternoon after I posted here. I moved forward with confrontation late Friday night when she tried to leave to go “sleep in a parking lot because she was so miserable.” She ended up admitting to the affair though claims it started the week after she decided for divorce. I took time Saturday and exposed it to her mom and closest friends and my parents. My. WS initially said she wouldn’t be ending the affair but now says she’ll stop seeing him (but may want to see him again once or separation is finalized).

In my state we can't stay under the same roof over I know up the affair if I want to be able to use it in court so we have to separate for now. Do I try to go plan A or move straight to plan b since she isn't really interested in ending the affair?

I would get your exposures finished up TODAY. Did you read the Exposure 101 thread? Make up a list of the rest of your exposure targets and get this done as soon as possible. Have you exposed to the OM's family and friends? Since this is a workplace affair, I would follow the instructions for a workplace affair. It is real important that you do a thorough exposure.

A little trickle exposure will have little effect. It is like taking a "little trickle" of penicillin for a major disease. You need to take the full dose and do a thorough, strategic, thoughtful exposure using the tips on my Exposure 101 thread.


Will these people reach out to her?

In the meantime, you should be in Plan A. If you want to save your marriage, you should not separate.

I know nothing of the OM's friends or family. He's not on Facebook that I can tell. I found his ex wife but that's it.

The people I've exposed to will reach out to her. I could reach out to extended family that lives in another area.

Workplace scares me because of how much she loves her job and the resentment that will come if she loses it. It may be as big a killer as the affair.

The PI should be able to get this for you real fast. You need to keep searching facebook, though. Is he on LinkedIn?


That's great!


You should be scared that she doesn't lose that job, because your marriage is over if she doesn't. Nor will she ever be able to overcome her current wayward mind. As long as she works there she will never overcome her addiction to the OM or get over her wayward mind. It is like asking the alcoholic to continue to go into the bar every day but expecting him to sober up.

She has to leave that job in order to recover your marriage. Otherwise this is hopeless.

The biggest risk for resentment in all this is YOUR RESENTMENT, not hers. Your resentment will be the hardest to overcome. She can overcome her temporary resentment by getting another job, it will take years and years to overcome your resentment when you lose your marriage to a workplace affair.