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Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
I now actually think been treated like a discarded sock is better than my children been away from me 2 nights per week.

LOL I know you don't mean that. Imagine the damage to your children! I had a neighbour once who used to hit his wife. They had 3 boys and 2 girls. I'm sure all the boys grew up expecting to treat their own wives the same way and the girls chose men who dished out that kind of treatment.

But if two nights with Dad is too much for you, go to your solicitor and see what you can arrange. Maybe ask for every other weekend?


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No I didn’t mean it!!

I just want to feel normal again. I am trying everything diet, exercise, meditation, reading and self care. I am making plans been social and doing things, but yet to feel great!

I feel like contacting him today, which is weird after all this time. Started to think about how long he was seeing this other woman and thoughts such as that...!

This Coronavirus has like lots of other people made me feel very isolated. I am now working from home full time and it is so lonely.

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Hi all

Just checking in.

We are all in self isolation here in the UK. Luckily we have the perfect house for it.

BF has made numerous attempts to poke holes in plan. My IM is starting to feel the pressure again. BF has said that we are going to be in the rest of each other’s lives forevever because of the children and is insisting on contact. Also does not like the time difference.

He picked the children up over the weekend and came in the house wanting to chat. He dropped the children off another day and wondered round to the back garden and started up his motorbike then left.

I really feel like I am totally checked where he is concerned and I am feeling so much bettter out of it and away from him. Finally! It has taken me 9 weeks!! I am actually starting to look forward to a healthier future. I can’t believe I endured that awful behaviour for so long.

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Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
Hi all

Just checking in.

We are all in self isolation here in the UK. Luckily we have the perfect house for it.

Great, maybe get some veg seeds on line and plant them. Children can pick and eat the veg over the summer.

Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
BF has made numerous attempts to poke holes in plan. My IM is starting to feel the pressure again. BF has said that we are going to be in the rest of each other’s lives forevever because of the children and is insisting on contact. Also does not like the time difference.

Your IM is still passing on stuff that he should be filtering out. Tell him that you should not be hearing this.

Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
He picked the children up over the weekend and came in the house wanting to chat. He dropped the children off another day and wondered round to the back garden and started up his motorbike then left.

What happened to changing the locks?

Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
I really feel like I am totally checked where he is concerned and I am feeling so much bettter out of it and away from him. Finally! It has taken me 9 weeks!! I am actually starting to look forward to a healthier future. I can’t believe I endured that awful behaviour for so long.

You will feel even better once you have filled the holes. IM filter and locks.


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So quick update.

BF has insisted via the IM that the children stay with me during the pandemic. So BF visits the children at the house every other day in the afternoon for a couple of hours. The weather has been good here so he stays out in the garden whilst I get some work done in the office.

He keeps trying to engage in conversation but I wander off. It is so difficult.


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He uses corona to get access to you without meeting the requirements in your plan B letter. Not ok.

Why must the children stay in your house during the pandemic? Is his house unsafe? And if his house is unsafe, why is he safe to be around the kids?

Sounds like a bs excuse to me. But you already know that.

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It’s all turned into an absolute disaster.

He has hoovered me right back up.

He spent the day here yesterday not really interested in seeing the children, just in talking to me. I ended up getting in a conversation with him.

Him telling me how this pandemic has made him rethink everything. That it is putting everything in perspective. How his business partner thinks he should just come home. He then went to kiss me and I let him do that and then I pushed him away.

I allowed myself to get in a conversation with him and also to be manipulated by him, with no real change. I am so annoyed with myself.

I honestly don’t feel like I can do this. The pain of being away from him is so awful but the pain of him being near me in worse.

Help.

Last edited by Coolbeginnings; 03/28/20 05:51 AM.
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I think it's absolutely okay for you to get back together with him if that's what you really want to do, but I think it is completely unacceptable for you to flout the social distancing rules that have been put in place here to protect our precious National Health Service. These are:

"Everyone must stay at home to help stop the spread of coronavirus.

You should only leave the house for 1 of 4 reasons:

shopping for basic necessities, for example food and medicine, which must be as infrequent as possible

one form of exercise a day, for example a run, walk, or cycle – alone or with members of your household

any medical need, or to provide care or to help a vulnerable person

travelling to and from work, but only where this absolutely cannot be done from home

Important

These 4 reasons are exceptions – even when doing these activities, you should be minimising time spent outside of the home and ensuring you are 2 metres apart from anyone outside of your household."
Coronavirus: Advice for everyone


Children whose parents have separated are allowed to be exchanged between those parents. Nowhere does the guidance state that one parent is allowed to spend time at the household of the other. In fact, the guidelines very clearly state that you must not visit anyone, not even family members with whom you do not live.

How does your boyfriend have the right to dictate to your IM what will happen with the children? How does he have the right to dictate that he will visit them at your house? And why is he seeing them every other day, when as far as I can remember, he didn't see them every other day under your existing agreement? I understand that he is probably at home full-time under our current rules, but that does not give him the right to spend every other day at your house.

If he is unwilling to have the children stay with him (and why was this? What does the virus have to do with having his children stay as they did before?), he should have asked via the IM for a different arrangement. You could have come to an agreement that he could face-time them on his days off, and pick them off and drop them back with you the same day only on his scheduled days with them. I think it's very obvious that you are glad not to lose the kids two days a week (perfectly understandable), but also glad to have him at your house every other day, showing his distress at being separated from you and heavily hinting that he wants to go back home. His behaviour shows that you haven't lost him, and that he's still heavily invested in you, the family and the home, and that's what you want. I can understand how you feel, and I think you should decide under what conditions you will get back together with him. That isn't a decision for anyone else to make for you.

What I can't abide is the way you are putting our NHS at risk. You might think that if he spends all his time in the garden, that this is social distancing under the rules, but it isn't, and under no circumstances can kissing him be within the rules, either.

It isn't for you to stretch and bend the social distancing rules to fit your private life. You can have as much contact with him as you want to, as long as you do it virtually until the current rules are changed. But for all our sakes, and the sakes of the front-line workers in the NHS, observe the social distancing rules and stop allowing him to set foot on your property.



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Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
BF has insisted via the IM that the children stay with me during the pandemic. So BF visits the children at the house every other day in the afternoon for a couple of hours.
I am totally baffled by this logic.

The social distancing rules are designed to keep us apart from each other. How does that result in his spending more time at your house than he did before?

Totally baffled.


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Change the locks, go into plan B/quarantine.

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I see nothing in her post to indicate that he was breaking into the house to spend every other day with the children. I see nothing to indicate that she even tried to refuse him entry. I see no indication that she tried to keep him off the property even before the social distancing rules were passed.

I'm really not in the business of telling her off for breaking "Plan B", which she has never enforced anyway. What I can't stand, and what I will object very loudly to, is people acting as if the crisis/social distancing rules don't apply to them. I'm focusing on the risk to other people, and to the NHS.


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Hi, please read the first few postings you did here, to remind yourself what you like and what you don‘t like about him.
This would be angood time to talk with him about the things you want and do not want from your relationship. If he is serious, he will take your list of complaints seriously. If he is just looking for the quickest way to get you around, hebwill do as little as possible, except of course grand words (don‘t cost him) and maybe some grand deeds in the beginning. After 3 months you will be back you square 1, in that case.





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Apologies Sugarcane I didn’t mean to offend you. I do see what you are saying and will revert back to him having the kids at his house. The last thing I want to do is put extra pressure on the NHS.

He is dropping heavy hints about coming home but I think he is wanting me to do the asking. He has also told me he is suffering with depression.

I don’t know how to handle this? I felt myself weakening yesterday and forgetting some of my terms. That made me feel awful.

I know the answer deep down, is to completely detach from him and get him to see the kids at his house.

I know it’s all my fault I weakened



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I am not backing down I have come this far.

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You strike me as a warmhearted human being, who may be somewhat impulsive and acts from her emotions in the moment. The same characteristics that can make you a wonderful mother can be a disadvantage when dealing with a partner who cares more about his own interests than your’s and the children‘s.

Of course it is in hs best interest to come back and change as little as possible, just enough temporarily for you to cave and let him back in. He knows you are weak-hearted when he throws the love or family card.

I don‘t know if you know the Harlow experiment with monkeys klinging to a fake fur or even wire mother, because that is all they had. You can google it. I myself have known a time where I was klinging to the wire mother, hoping to turn it into a real person, by being nice and loving enough.

But that is not how a loving relationship should work. You should feel cared for. You should feel as though he would put his life on the line for you as you do for him. From what you told us it is clear that you are doing your best to make things work, while he is doing only what suits him and is basically stringing you along, probably until you are fourtyish and he will exchange you for a younger model.

Of course you want the family together and you want the times back when he is nice and you have great times. If only he did not have this other side. If only he had a real heart.
Do you think he would take you back if you behaved to him as he did to you in the past? Think again.

It is normal that you have loving feelings for this person that you have been attached to. It means you are a loving human.
But if he is not willing to change you will be clammering to the cold wire mother, rocking yourself to sleep and pretending to be in a loving relationship.

Last edited by happyheart; 03/29/20 04:46 AM.

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Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
I am not backing down I have come this far.

My friend, you backed down long ago. He knows you are not serious about any conditions and will take him back unconditionally. He has the best of both worlds now.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Please keep posting, regardless of reconciliation.
It helps to implement MB concepts.


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Hi all

Thanks for checking in on me HappyHeart.

I am still here still reading but a bit embarrassed really to post as I have messed up on plan.

I don’t really know what to say but these are the facts...I am sure I will get some tough posts back...

BF has been over every day staying at his house at night and coming over during the day we have had some chats.

We discussed what happened with the other woman he said his head was turned and it was a terrible thing to do and he was sorry. He did however also say that the relationship had been awful for 2 years prior to that and the other woman was not the main reason for the separation. He said it ended the day I found out. I told him that in order to regain my trust he would have to be completely transparent particularly with phone. He said he understands that and has been leaving his phone around the house unlocked. I have gone through it a few times and nothing.

He has been trying to woo me back if you like with sending lots of old pictures of us 2, taking up yoga so he can do this with me in the evenings and even watching some tv with me when the kids go to bed (he has never been a tv fan mainly books). He has constantly texting me with love messages and pictures. He has been doing all the shopping for us, getting chores done round the house and all over seems to appreciate what I do for house and family a lot more.

He does say how awful the relationship was for a long time and part of me wants to say if it was so awful what are you doing back here then?

He has tried to have SF with me and I have made it clear that unless there is a firm commitment that we are together then this will not be happening. So there has been nothing on that front.

He has not drank at all since we have been seeing each other again is in full fitness mode.

However I still feel uneasy.

Dr Harleys advice was to separate, date again fall in love, marry and move in together.

So really I guess we are ‘dating’, but I have not had the conversation with him yet about expectations in particular marriage. Mostly because I am afraid because deep down I doubt he will want to marry. I also know this is a deal breaker for me. I think he thinks the relationship was bad for 2 years, he realised how much he loved me and missed me during the separation, but is dating to see how things go with the aim of getting back together.

So despite what people think I won’t just drift back into him moving back in, it would have to be with a commitment a ring. As without this he is free to walk again. Also he is not saying to me I want to be with you for life through thick and thin. Thing is I wouldn’t let him move back in without this as I would just be fed up again and would make me a renter and then we would split again which would be terrible for the children.

The problem is now I am stuck between having this conversation with him and rocking the boat as I am enjoying having the children all the time and seeing him even if I know it’s weak.

I really need to say to him, I am enjoying spending time with you but want you to know that in order for us to live together again I would have to be married.

Just being honest go easy please.

Last edited by Coolbeginnings; 04/08/20 08:21 AM.
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Did you ever give him your list in your Plan B letter?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Do I get this right.. he had the affair, had angry outbursts in the beginning of your relationship, problematic alcohol abuse, he didn't show any effort to make things better, now he wants back but only if it isn't as awful as it has been for him for the last 2 years if he returns?

Can you read again the post Happyheart wrote March 29th and respond to it, regarding the Harlow-experiment? I'm afraid it is closer to your situation than anyone would want.

Also, reading other threads on the MB forum might give you perspective. I don't know if you have read this one, but I love this thread for inspiration.
https://forum.marriagebuilders.com/...2894680/fallout-after-exposure-help.html
Not that I want you to end up without BF, but I want you to recover from the pain caused by the relationship and eventually in a happy and fulfilling romantic marriage. That will require quite some changes and I am not convinced BF is willing to put in the effort.

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