Hi,
Trying to apply the principles to my marriage. Currently trying to resolve conflicts better - the first rule of negotiation is to be cheerful and agreeable - my wife says when she is upset she cannot do this. Do we just take time apart until she can? I've try to engage her by trying to give her a hug during these times but she usually declines and nothing happens for hours until she feels better.

The specific situation started today and we had a text conversation in case context helps, we get in the same cycle over and over - we have read some of harley stuff so that's what the "book" refers to be - any suggestions would be much appreciated -- thank you:

Her:
I was really hurt yesterday when you didn’t turn off the tv to eat together and ur response of “well you don’t do it to feed sarina”
I woke up crying again
Me
I’m really sorry sweetie. Didn’t realize. I’m sorry.
Her:
thx
Me:
Let’s remember to say “how do you feel about...”. I think that will help. So I should have said “how do you feel about me watching for five minutes and turning it off” or something like that.
Her:
Any time of willingness to work with me would have helped. I don’t care how you say it
Me:
Ok. To help me though I think if you had said how do you feel it would have helped.
Her:
ok but if you can try to focus first on how you can improve it would make me feel better
Me:
Yes I agree
Her:
What u said feels self defensive
Me:
Ok we need to read that chapter again. Not sure what to do.
Her:
it would help me if u just apologized and then either give a suggestion of how u can improve or ask me for a suggestion if u can’t think of one
Instead u apologized and told me how I can improve- that negates ur apology
if the tide is turned how would that make u feel?
Me:
Ok we need to read the book because we aren’t doing it correctly if we both don’t feel good about it
That’s the main message I got from book
We have to both feel good
Her:
Well i feel worse so thanks
Think about if the tide was turned
Me:
I agree but I’m trying to go by book
Her:
Sighs ok. Thats fine but u haven’t helped me feel better at all
i guess to me it feels like common sense - apologize, state how u can improve then have a discussion about it so we both feel better
Now uve just upset me more
plz don’t come down here for awhile
Me:
That sounds demanding so not going by what we have learned
Her:
Im not demanding im telling u u made me feel worse
Im saying this would have helped me. U don’t have to do it that way
But what ur approach is making it worse
Ok im gonna stop texting
I need a break from texting you
Me:
Sweetie let’s read book together later so we can figure it out. In meantime please don’t be upset
Her:
Why dont u read it and come up with something
Me:
Ok I will

Does your wife agree with the Policy of Joint agreement? That is the biggest miss I see here. When she asked: "I was really hurt yesterday when you didn’t turn off the tv to eat together and ur response of “well you don’t do it to feed sarina” would she accept that the answer is no thanks? The policy of joint agreement is:

Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement
between you and your spouse
here

That means that you both should agree to turn off the TV and eat together. It doesn't sound like that happened. It sounds like she told you what to do and then go upset when you didn't what she told you to do. All the negotiating skills in the world won't work if you don't start there.

I am not sure what you meant by "you don't do it to feed sarina?" Is that pet? If so, that would have been sort of a smart aleck comment, however, the bigger issue is following the policy of joint agreement.

Would you say you and your wife are in love? Romantic love?