Long story....the last couple of years have been tough on our relationship and at the end of March my husband ended it. Bit it gets complicated, he says to me that we are best friends and that im his soulmate and that we will stay living together and coparent, but we are just not together as a couple. Well at the beginning of March he started getting very close to a colleague at work and swiftly after the break up he has started seeing her.
This is all unravelling in front if my eyes, i want to save my marriage, but its not like he is having an affair and we arent together, but it feels like total betrayal. He totally checked out and barely ever home. When he is home we spend every evening like friends chatting by the fire.
I feel so much pain waking up every day, he has moved into the spare bedroom now also. Im at a loss on how to proceed, i mean i could have done all sorts of irrational things by now, but im simply not that person, i want to keep my integrity.
I have no idea if we have hope, i really want to believe so, i have given it a year, so i have until next March, im not sure im able to sustain living like this for much longer.

Welcome to MB.

Are you married? If so, for how long? Do you have kids together? How old are both of you?

Thank you, we are married, have been for 6 years and together for over 13. Two kids 4.5 and 6. And im 33 and he is 36.
He does not want a divorce btw and has no plans to move out unless i kick him out.

So I am confused as to why you don't think this is an affair? You are married, just because he wants to say "you're separated" doesn't mean you are.

Do you know who the OW (other woman) is? Do you know if she is married?

Have you read Surviving and Affair by Dr. Harley?

I would ask the MODS to move this to SAA forum.

He doesnt think this is an affair! I totally do and hate it. The other woman is his pa essentially and is 22, still living at home with her folks, but apparently has a boyfriend.
I have read it but i probably need to re read, because my mind is racing and taking in information isnt easy.
He is implying that this thing with her is helping him get through our break up, but he isnt telling me everything, im fact he is lying openly and when he says he is at work he is actually with her, i wont go into details how i know this. They also now spend their days in an apartment and he comes home in evenings, but he has no idea i know about this.

Do you have the proof saved in a safe place? Do you have contact information for the OW? Her parents? This is a workplace affair, correct?

And you're correct, this is an affair and he is trying to gaslight you to think otherwise. Dr. Harley has a very good and proven plan to kill the affair.

How are you doing? Can you speak to your doctor about getting some temporarily AD/anti-anxiety meds?

Yes, i have the address of the apartment but its safe, all my pin numbers for my phone have been changed.
I dont know where she lives, but we work in the same building. Due to current lockdown i dont go into the office at all, so i havent bumped into her at all. She is on facebook, but to be honest she is so young i dont think she knows what she is doing. It is an workplace affair and highly inappropriate at that, as he is her boss!

Ill re read it, to be honest i feel much better now, its been 4-5 weeks and im able to cope better and function at work and look after the kids

Whats confusing is that he says that he cares for me and im his soulmate and the most important person in his life, thats im beautiful and inspirational and funny and thenother night hentold me he loved me (i mean he did have a drink)
He is also physically attracted to me, but we are not together and never will be and i will be happy with someone else

Hi Florena, welcome to Marriage Builders. What is happening is that your husband is gaslighting you. He has been having an affair for some time so he came to you and "ended" his marriage and moved into the guest room so he could continue his affair while receiving the benefits of living at home.

Of course he doesn't want a divorce, he has the best of both worlds, TWO women meeting his needs while his wife helps him hide his affair. The problem iwth this set up is that he has no reason to end his affair. It will destroy your mental health in the process. Women actualluy have nervous breakdowns from living with a cheating husband.

Dr Harley would tell you to expose the affair wide and far. Tell everyone. Use the tactics in the thread linked in my signature. You should them demand that he leave that job and never ever see the OW again. If he won't end it immediately and PROVE it is over, you should make him move out and end all contact with him.

It is critically important that you take these steps, because the longer you ENABLE him, the more entrenched the affair becomes.

He is using you. The longer you put up wth this, the lower your value to him and the more entrenched the affair. You need to show some self respect and start fighting for your marriage and your children's security. You are the ONLY sane parent your children have, so allowing your husband to gaslight you and abuse you like this is endangering their security. They need a parent that stands up for them and for herself.

You need to grow a SPINE, like yesterday and get up and start fighting. Don't be an enabler. It's impossible to save a marriage when you are an enabler.

When you get your exposure targets together, in addition to her parents, find her boyfriend.

Ill have a read agaib so im clear in what im doing. In trrms of exposure something already happened at work which scared him but not enough as he is continuing. A colleague of ours is aware if something going on between us, just doesnt know what exactly, so he offered to meet for coffee for a chat i agreed. And for some reason he told my husband boss that my hisband is going through a break up and seeing someone else. So she was straight onto him questioning him who is he seeing and how long for and that it is highly inappropriate. They have a meeting on Tuesday with his boss to discuss the situation and how to deal with it.

There's probably alot more people at work that already know about it. That's why you need to get the exposure done. Have you read Exposure 101 ?

Do you have your list of targets together? Have you gone to her social media and saved her friends list? Do you have her parent's information? Have you found her boyfriend's information? Have you read the part about workplace exposure in the exposure 101 thread?

It is real important that you expose the affair BEFORE your husbands meeting on Tuesday with his boss. You don't want to give him chance to spin the story. I would make up a list, get your talking points ready and plan to do a tsunami exposure on Monday. You should start with the workplace and plan to expose to the OW's parents, family and boyfriend. Can you find her facebook page?

Please go read the Exposure 101 thread in my signature and come back and discuss and ask questions.

WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T TELL YOUR HUSBAND YOU ARE GOING TO EXPOSE THE AFFAIR. He should be completely surprised by this so they are caught off guard.

Hi he is out of the house, apparently at work but meeting her i know. So i have read it and all sounds fine, except one thing, if i expose him he is likely to be sacked and financially this will ruin us. He is the main bread winner, whilst i have a good job i dont work full time and i wont have enough to sustain the house, and at the moment we wouldnt be able to sell it!

If i expose him to the employer for using work resources that will be it for him!

Florena, you can't have both. If your husband doesn't lose the job you won't have a marriage. He can get another job, but you can't have a marriage if he stays there and works with the OW. Keeping his secret is killing your marriage because affairs thrive on secrecy. The BEST thing that could happen is that he loses that job and is forced to find another one. That would separate him from his mistress and give you a fighting chance.

Right now you are headed for divorce and will LOSE all access to his income anyway. You will be competing with the OW for his income. And she will win. You can change this dynamic if you expose the affair.

Which do you choose? Your marriage or his little job?

Melodylane is right.
Don‘t fool yourself you will be living in your house while he maintains two households, because that is where you are heading.
Please fight this, because you will end up selling the house so that he can afford a good life with his young mistress.
And you will have even less money as soon as they start a family of their own and you don‘t get as much child support. Additionally you will be dealin with the children spending Christmas with their father and his new wife and having to argue if you can take your children on vacation and how long.

Maybe, you should rather fight this now and have the chance to kill it, rather than waiting untill it is more entrenched and you are a stressed-out, wornout wreck, no fun to be with and having auto-immune problems from the stress of having to deal with his betrayal right under your very nose.

Hi everyone, its all been a bit full on and he has moved out now. He is still seeing her, but less so and after i contacted her and told her to bugger off he nearly had a breakdown basically.
He is very angry with me that i have asked him to leave and blames me for the breakdown of our marriage.
Im at a bit if a loss. We obviously communicate because of the kids and he comes to see them regularly. In sure his affair will dir down by the end of the summer because now that its all in the open its not All that exciting.
He is adamant that there is nothing to save in our marriage and doesnt even entertain the idea on reconnecting at the moment.
Im not sure what my next steps should be.