Like the title says I’m married to tabbyntexas and she brought me to this site. I am looking to learn more and find healthy ways to save my marriage

Welcome to MB.

Could you please tell us a short version of what’s going on and what your questions are?

My wife and I have and had a turbulent marriage. long story story short my wife in 2014 cheated on me for a year flash forward to 2019 I had what I now know was a revenge affair for a year. My wife is on these forums as well and for six months since her discovery I have done everything wrong to save the marriage. I am blessed that she is even still talking to me. We are having setbacks a lot because I was still trickle truthing and lying about a few things. Most ppl can’t understand after all we have been thru why we are still married honestly the ones that don’t just support and help can go somewhere with that. I believe my wife does love me and I love her but we are still growing and learning

Have you finally told your BW the whole truth?

Who is the (OW)? How do you know her? How did you facilitate your affair?

When was the last time you had contact with her? Have you read Surviving an Affair?

Yes I have the ow was from a dating app she lived a hour away I would drive to see her. The last time I had contact with her was about a week before my wife found out .i have not read it yet but I just got couple of books my wife recommended

Hi JD, welcome to Marriage Builders. Thanks for coming on the forum. I wanted to address your comment about a "revenge affair." Are you saying you had the affair to punish your wife for her affair and you otherwise would not have made that choice? Because, quite honestly, I can't imagine a person having an affair for that reason. People who don't want to cheat don't cheat. But people who have poor boundaries around the opposite sex do have affairs and tend to blame it on their spouse. Did you have poor boundaries or were you actively looking for an affair?

p.s. Can you please ask Tabby to come back and start up a new thread for herself, describing her situation? That way other posters will know the backstory. Thanks!

Can this still be true? How can this woman say "tell your wife that she won" if the last contact you had was BEFORE your wife found out?

And what is this cobblers about not wanting to change your phone number?

Unless you demonstrate a profound commitment to your wife by ending all avenues for this woman to contact you, you are hurting your wife every day. She would be wise to simply end the marriage if you are allowing that woman to contact you. Often, wives blame the other woman for being persistent, but the truth is that OW cannot be persistent if the husband slams the door in her face. And on the issue of commitment, why haven't you come back here to answer MelodyLane's question about a revenge affair? Why aren't you on here telling us what you did wrong once your wife found out, and asking what you can do to repair your marriage?

Having lied and trickle-truthed, you have already created the impression of someone who wants to protect the memories of the affair more than protect his wife. Half-heartedly posting here underscores that impression. You've got a lot of work to do.

Melody lane, I’m sorry it took so long to respond work has been overwhelming. I used a dating app to have the affair. I was upset that my wife suggested we date other people. I don’t believe it was of poor boundaries but it was actually poor choices.

I’m sorry for the incoherent messages. I was trying to just answer the questions. First question answer is yes I have told my bw the truth but I am telling her things as I finally remember them. I had a problem with suppressing details because of embarrassment and remorse and disgust. Second question answer. The ow is a woman I met on a dating app that was the way I knew her. Third Question,I facilitated the affair thru the app then thru text and phone calls. I would drive a hour to see her . Fourth question, the last time I had contact with her was a week before the wife discovering the affair. Fifth question. I am currently reading the book.

The last contact I had with the ow was November 2019. I prefer to not change my phone number because of all the work contacts and how my phone is integrated into my work life. I have not answered melody lanes question simply because I have been overwhelmed and I feel uncomfortable answering the questions. This is my first time on a forum and I’m not used to sharing my personal details. I have not been on the forums telling what I have been doing wrong and asking for help because I usually don’t ask for help and it is very hard for me, but I will give it a shot. I have lied to my wife I have blamed my wife, I have tried to make it about my suffering and not hers. I would invite any help.

Sharing your personal details would involve giving us your name, address, date of birth and credit card numbers.

We are not asking for personal details. We are, though, asking you to be searching and honest about your behaviour today.

After hearing the wife’s concerns and worry I have agreed to change my phone number even though it is a real pain to do so my marriage is more important. I also want to say I Honestly stopped the affair in November 2019 when my wife discovered it. I have no desire to ever rekindle the affair again ever! I know it’s hard to believe a liar but damnit I’m actually telling the truth. So if your on the side of helping my marriage survive and helping me understand how to best help my wife all advice is appreciated.

I was saying personal details like details of the affair not details like social security numbers and such just thought I should clarify. Sorry for the confusion.

Yeah...I wasn't being serious about that. I was trying to make the point that you can't come here saying you'd like help, and then say very little on the grounds that it's "personal".

Get over your discomfort. If you're serious about saving your marriage, this level of discomfort is nothing compared to the realities of losing her permanently.

My latest issue is my wife does not believe me that the affair is over. Yes I have made every mistake to put myself in this position. I have told trickle truths, remembered things way late, trip over my words when answering questions. Even with doing these things wrong and I know thru reading that this points to me still having the affair. I swear I am not and the affair is over. Now I need suggestions on what I can do right to gain her trust again.

The best way to establish trust is to make your life so transparent that you can't cheat again. That means changing your phone #, closing down social media, giving her access to everything. Another way to build trust and clear your name is offer to take a polygraph. A polygraph would ease her mind and allow you to move forward.

As well as the things on your list, your wife says that you have outright LIED to her. If she has caught you out for lying as well as trickle-truthing, you can understand that she has no way of knowing when you are telling the truth, and so can't allow herself to believe anything, knowing that she'll be blindsided later. In case you haven't worked it out, your wife's finding out that what she was told was either a half-truth or a lie is actually worse than discovering the affair itself. You put your wife through repeated deaths when you create this pain again and again for her.

Are you going to offer to take a polygraph, as MelodyLane suggests?

A serious obstacle to your wife's recovery is the privacy you enjoy through your workplace. What can you do to prove to your wife that this woman cannot contact you there? How can you enlist the help of your employers and IT department to block her access to you?

And what do you mean that you "stopped the affair in November 2019"? Do you mean that you stopped meeting this woman for sex? Is that your definition of ending it?

I simply do not believe that all contact ended when you sent the text message about your wife's discovery, in November. Given this woman's follow-up message that your wife "won", I have complete certainty that she has contacted you since then, even if you did not contact her first.

Come clean once and for all: when was the last time you had any contact with her, face-to-face, by phone, email, social media, morse code, semaphore, carrier-pigeon or any other of the devious means that unfaithful spouses use and do not confess to, when they argue that "x means of communication" is not carrying on the affair, or the betrayed spouse didn't ask about that, or any other devious logic?

Checking profile/status/last seen on LinkedIn/Facebook/WhatsApp and/or being checked included.