I'm married for 15years and blessed with 2 lovely kids. He was everything to me. Very affectionate dad to his children. Will do anything for his children. I should mention that it was a perfect marriage until this Easter 2020. He watches porn without my consent and knowledge but I always end up finding out videos from his computer. I didn't like him doing that, I've told him that it hurts me but still he could not stop. This started from the beginning of our marriage. I still loved him and I knew he loved me a lot too so I let go. I started getting dreams of him with other woman for the past 3years. Recently this led me to check his computer and I found 40 sex videos of him and his affair partner on his computer. I couldn't breathe or feel anything inside me for several minutes when I discovered about his affair.
Our love life was regular. Had no problems on bed.
I've asked him if he was interested in anyone else other than me for sex and he has said NO.
I've asked if I was the only woman he has had sex with through out his life and he said YES.
A few times I've even asked him to have sex with another woman if he was attracted to someone else (but I said definitely not without condoms. Just to differenciate between wife and mistress.)
I regularly asked him these questions and asked him to promise me. He made false promises on GOD and my children to all of my questions.
Even though I don't want him to take another woman I still gave him this freedom only because I loved him so much and I didn't want him to end up choosing someone else over me but still he fooled me.

I am devasted. I'm unable to accept that he's been lying all the time. His affair has been going on for 5years (2015 - 2019). The videos constantly keeps playing in my mind. I'm shivering, crying and feeling a crushing pain in my heart. I'm having panic attacks during night. Unable to sleep or eat well. It's been more than a month now. I haven't changed a bit. I'm suffering. I've shut myself up. Feel dead.

He says that he has ended the affair last year because of guilt and regret. He feels sorry and is asking for my forgiveness. He had videoed for the first 3years, uploaded on his computer and had forgotten to delete. He says that he feels disgust when he thinks about his past. He calls it past already. He says that he tried to confess several times but didn't confess because he was afraid that I would leave him. I'm unable to believe anything he says because he didn't confess. He still gave me false promises even after I discovered the videos then admitted to it only after I showed him video proof. He says he enjoyed sexual pleasure from the other woman. He says he was addicted and couldn't stop. He assumed that I won't find, so he wanted to continue for sometime and then stop. He was confident and convinced that he could hide it from me. Actually true. I would not have found out because their contact was never through phone or emails. She was his colleague so they used work phone for chatting and to plan their meeting.

I have so many questions piled up in my head. I've become angry and violent. I don't intend or plan to hurt him or call him names but I always ended up slapping him and calling him names whenever I ask him about this. This is not me. I've never been like this. I've never even raised my voice to him. He and I can't believe that I can yell this much. Recently he got frustrated with my behaviour and hit me back a few times. To him, I have apologised for being violent and abusive and have stopped it completely with consciousness.

Our kids don't know anything about this because I make sure they are sleeping when we discuss about this. I don't want my kids to know about their father's betrayal even if I divorce.

I'm unable to forgive as he, didn't confess, has made false promises, broken mistress rules and gave my place to her, I can't accept that she was better than me on bed. I'm unable to accept that I'm not as good as her and that has damaged my self confidence so much.
I will forgive him someday for sure but reconciliation remains a question mark. Should I continue to live with him for the sake of my innocent children or should I walk out this marriage. I need help.

Hi Corazon, welcome to Marriage Builders. Forgiveness is not appropriate. Just compensation is appropriate. You can create a happy, safe marriage with him if you affair proof your marriage and use these step to create a happy, romantic marriage. The first steps would be for him to end all contact with this woman and to stop watching porn. He should never be on the computer without you again. You should have full access to all of his communications. His affair should be exposed to everyone. Is the OW married?

I wanted to address this comment:
Why in the world would you say that to your husband and then complain when he does what you suggest? That makes no sense. Adultery is marriage wrecking so I am astonished you would actually suggest it.

Your marriage can recover if your husband is willing to make a radical change in his approach to marriage. [and you too!] This is not a typical affair, though. Your husband was actually out looking for action. As long as he is committed to doing that and has the secret second life to do it, you won't ever be safe. He will have to make alot of changes and his life will have to be so transparent that he can't troll for action or watch porn anymore.

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Does he still work with the OW?