I will start this post saying I am from Europe (sorry for my English) and my husband is American.

Idk what to do, I would never expect I might be in situation like that. So my husband and I got married a year ago, we are both 33 and its 1st marriage for both of us.
Only difference is that my husband have 2 kids with his ex girlfriend. They have been together on and off for 7 years, during this time she cheat on him multiple times, so he start to do the same, they were argue a lot, and the final of this relationship was the worse scenario ever.
Because he didn't wan't to leave the house she called police and accused him of domestic valiance, he went to jail, and at this time she packed, took kids, everything what they had and disappear.
Because he couldn't go to work, he got fired, kicked out from apartment for not paying the rent and became homeless for some time. His family is very pathological, no father, mother have mental issues, no one help him, so he had to handle all of this by himself.
I meet him already 4 years after all this happened, before we got married I asked if he have any feelings to mother of his kids, he said no, he hate her, she destroyed his life for no reason etc. Our life was perfect since I meet him, loving husband sending flowers without reason, texts from work that he can't wait to come back home, romantic dinners, plans to buy a house and have kids.
... And problems start this year, 9 months after our wedding.
His ex was going thru divorce and decided to file for higher child support, and that was also chance for us to apply for visitations.
I went to 2 from 3 court hearing, the last one was on Valentines day and I had to work till 9pm so I couldn't go. That day my husband came back around 10 pm saying he went to visit cousin because he know I will be in work anyway.
Around 3 weeks ago, like 5 days before our wedding anniversary he admit he start to seeing his kids, went there on valentines day after hearing, and start to see them more regular. He also admit that at the moment when he left for 3 days to visit his friend he stay in they house, and kiss and cuddle his ex !!!
He said hes so sorry, he just needed this goodbye kiss for all the past, that the kiss is a symbol of forgiveness and new beginning. He told me all his lies, everything day by day since Feb 14th, and because they didn't had sex, the day after I decided to forgive him.
But at that moment my husband said he still love her and he don't know if he can be with me, and disappear for 3 days. He came back day of our wedding anniversary, apologies again, said he love me and he want to be with me, that he was staying in the car like 1h away to think, I believed (his ex is 12h away) and had an amazing time.
Day after, I found out he's still texting her, apparently because she lost apartment, left state, and need some help so kids will not stay in the hotel, she was saying she moved there for a guy (but wait? so why hes not helping her?). And at this moment I found out those 3 missing days he spend with her and kids in that hotel. He was trying to defense the love is not real and he just playing her to get the kids back.
We had a huge fight, he told me he want divorce like 20 times, so I left. But few days later he contact me saying that he does have feelings for her, shes mother of his kids, probably 1st love in his life, she also said she love him and want to try one more time ... for kids, and said honestly that he was thinking about it, but told her he have wife and want to stay with me.
And because I love him so much, I was thinking "omg, he chose me over her ... and kids" he have to love me. He came to pick me up, shewing how much he missed and love me, and we decided not to have any secrets, help with apartment for kids and think about our own kids.
3 days later I catch him on talking with her, again about feeling and future, I confront him and again he told me he want divorce, than he said hes confuse, he don't know what to do and he need time.
I start to digging, I already know hes taking adderall, but just found out he double or even triple the daily dose, found out he's taking impotence drugs since before he even meet me (never told me about it), he start to loosing his hair also, which dont take to good.
My friends assume all of that push him to an midlife crisis.
I don't recognize my own husband, hes like completely different person with no emotions.
What should I do? I still love him, apparently he still didn't cheat on me sexual (if I can even believe what he saying) and still love me (both of us). I was looking for answers in internet about midlife crisis and almost all articles saying to let him do what he want and wait. But idk if I can do that, just think every day he is there, not here. That he love her not me. And what if is not an middle life crisis but it's just him, lying a... And that's only 1st year of marriage, what will be in the future? This whole situation in killing me. Everything was so perfect till Valentines day. I start suspected something, but was thinking it's just over of honeymoon "period" now is time for "normal" life.
So what should I do? What can I do?

Gosh welcome to MB I’m so sorry to hear you going through such a difficult time. Please ask the moderators to move your thread to surviving an affair forum, those who can help you best can assist you there. Usually the way to start is preparing exposure to your families so you can get the support you need through this. They will help you with more detail.

Ok, thank you. I will just post there and ask to remove this one

Welcome to MB. Sorry for the pain that has brought you here.

Do you want to save this marriage? You have no children, correct?

Has he moved back in with you or is he still with the OW?

And sorry to tell you, that this is a sexual affair. He is lying to you when he says he hasn’t had sex with her.

He's currently on 2 weeks project like 700 miles from me (yes I know hes there, because we work for the same company) but like 50 miles from her, so for sure hes there right now.
I did want to save the marriage but If hes there its mean he have more love for her

Hello Gosh, wlecome to Marriage Builders. Do you have children with this man?

No I dont, but 2 weeks ago I finally met his, and he introduce me as his wife and they step mother, that was after the 1st lie, I would never involve kids if i know what i know now

Thanks for answering my question. My suggestion would be to end the marriage now. I don't think this will recover and you don't have that much to lose. This is a very short marriage with no children. He is having a sexual affair with his ex and has for some time. He will be perpetually linked to this woman because of their children.

He is not having a "mid-life crisis," he is having an affair with the mother of his children. He is very likely to end up with her no matter what you do. You do not have enough history with this man to justify the holy hell it would take to save this marriage. And it is very unlikely you would be able to save it.

You are much better off filing for divorce now because you can get a good settlement while he is fogged out and focused on his affair. It will hurt in the short term, but you will be saving yourself from a lifetime of hell because, I promise you, this affair will be on again, off again forever, in the best case scenario, More likely is that he will just end your marriage anyway to stay with her.

If you don't end this now, I predict he will drag this out as long as possible and keep you BOTH meeting his needs for as long as possible. He will continue his affair and throw you the occasional crumb to keep you in line. The best outcome for him is to keep you BOTH. You don't want that. It will tear you down emotionally and make you even less attractive to him. You help no one by staying with him.

Melody is right, Gosh. He has been having this affair throughout your relationship with him, and he will continue to have it for a long time. The only way you'd be able to stop is would be to ensure that he never sees the children again, because that's the route they are using to see each other. I doubt very much that he'd agree to stop seeing them until they are adults and he can see them without ever seeing their mother.

I don't think he places as high a value on his marriage to you as he does on his relationship with the kids and their mother. You're best cutting your losses and moving on. Young as you are, you should be able to avoid men who have already had kids in future.

And I dont want him to cut the contact with his kids

Have you told your kids?

Please read Exposing to Children

We've given you advice based on the likelihood that he would continue seeing his children, and thus seeing this woman. Do you have any response to that advice?

She doesn't have any, Brainy, which is partly why we've advised her to quit.

So sorry, I was thinking of another poster.

Thank you SugarCane!

Yeah we dont have kids, and I dont want cut him from his (and her)

Gosh, did you read my post?

Yes I did, I was answering BrainHurts, she asked "Have you told your kids?"

And yes at this moment divorce is an only option, its just so hard to accept it

I am so sorry.

Gosh, is your citizenship in the US dependent upon your marriage to him? What are the pros and cons of being married to him, outside of being in love with him?

Yes I got Green Card by marriage, if next year in July we will not be together (like real marriage, in love) I have to leave the US or apply for waiver, and prove I have my whole life here and they might let me stay.

So pros are: i don't need to worry about my status, don't need to worry about bills if both of us are working, we can still work together, we both love to travel, he pay my health insurance from his job

Cons: I dont think I am able to forgive him, I will always think hes going to go back to her or cheat with someone else, I will think he lie to me every single day