I am really starting to feel claustrophobic. Our marriage is ok, but being home 24/7 is tiring. I'm also running out of things to talk about. Before when I was leaving the house for school or church, I had so much to report and talk about. Plus, he is getting on my nerves. He isn't doing anything wrong. But I don't want to hear about the latest farm implement or home repair. I love to sing and he wants us to sing together, which we have started, but he doesn't do it right. I am a trained musician and he is just a bit off or he just does it differently than I'm used to. I am trying to enjoy it, but it is hard. I miss our dates, but the cases are rising. We have been in this house since the beginning of March- just going out for groceries every other week. ( He goes most of the time. Only one person per family is allowed.) I miss having other friends. I miss my hobbies. I love my husband, but I do not want to spend 24/7 with him. I'm tired of talking about Covid or protests or his interests. I could talk about interests, but I'm not allowed to do them right now with Covid. Who knows when I will be able to sing with my friends again....

Catherine, would singing training videos and audio help? If you're singing religious music, I'm a big fan of https://acappella.org/store/praise-and-harmony/ (and their streaming service, https://praiseandharmony.tv/, but I haven't tried that, yet.) It sounds like he's enthusiastic, and like you would be, too, if he could sing better, and some training might help that a lot.

You guys definitely need to find something to talk about that you aren't tired of. One idea might be to binge watch a show or redgate movies and use those as a springboard for conversation. Dr. Harley doesn't recommend TV or movies as undivided attention time, per se, but time spent talking about them would certainly count if it was something you both enjoyed.

Thanks Markos. It's more rhythm on his guitar than singing. His singing is fine. I'm just used to doing my songs a certain way. His way isn't wrong, it just isn't automatic for me. Hard to explain, but I cannot relax and just sing. Yeah, my sweet husband is not much for watching tv. He's working in the garden, fixing an appliance or something like that. He is an introvert and I am an extrovert. Being stuck at home is like heaven for him, but torture for me.

I get the claustrophobia. Markos and I have a happy marriage, but I went through a period of depression through all this.

First, I suggest you contact Dr. Harley directly on his radio show. This lockdown is unprecedented and getting his direct input would be helpful.
You might talk to your doctor about short-term anti-depressants if things are feeling hopeless to you.

Markos and I had to become even more intentional and creative in how we spent our time together since we couldn't go out anymore. It was hard at first, since I felt so down, but the effort was worth it in the end.

Have you been able to talk to your husband about this?

That sounds very much like Dr. Harley himself. He's said before that he can't give his wife Joyce his undivided attention at home because he gets so easily distracted by things to do at home.

Up until a couple years ago I was a very regular listener of Dr. Harley's radio show. I'm sure he has some recommendations now for couples who are legally stuck at home, but I don't know what they are, so I second the advice to contact him on his radio show and see what he says.

I will contact him. Yes, I went through a period of depression a few years ago. What got me out of it was getting a job and getting out of the house. My whole life revolved around my husband's job and the kids. I had nothing to talk about then because I had no life. Once I got out and socialized, I became a chatterbox with my husband. I laughed. We had fun on dates. I needed to have a life outside of this farm. My music career helped a bunch. Yes, I've let my husband know ( not about that I'm not crazy about singing together. He is doing that because he knows I love it and wants to share in that with me. Will not hurt his feelings) but he doesn't know what to do.

Being honest doesn't hurt feelings, it urges the 2 of you to brainstorm for something mutually enjoyable.

How about going for a walk, or a drive to see places and neighborhoods you haven’t seen yet. Play a game. My husband and I play games with each other on our iPads. You mentioned he tinkers. Is there any tinkering you think you might be interested in doing with him? Maybe the two of you can think of a new hobby to start together that you would both like. Do you both like jigsaw puzzles? Do you both read? Read a book together. What did you do on your dates? Maybe you could be creative and recreate your dates at home. For instance, if you went out to eat, maybe fix a meal together and set up a nice table and sit and eat and talk.

I guess. I hate electronics and prefer real books. We went to concerts,plays, musicals, mission trips, traveling, museums, etc. All of which are off the table. Plus, thanks to Covid all of our adult children are home as well...all 3 of them. I went from almost empty nest to full nest. 3 months locked in together. (:

But I miss talking to my other students about deep subjects. I miss singing in choir. ( Hence his attempt to help me out.) I miss meeting with my ladies prayer group. I miss going to church. I love my husband. I do. He is wonderful. But all of the stuff I had to talk to him about, I'm not doing. Hey...cleaning the bathroom again..whoo hoo.

Don't misunderstand me. We talk. A LOT. I'm just tired of it being just him. Is that awful??

We were very fortunate in that I found an article very early on in the lockdown with some great advice. The secret to coping is structure and planning.

We arranged separate work areas so that we do not disturb one another during weekday work hours.

We have coffee together in the early morning and then work away from one another until we go for a walk together at around 5pm. We are only together during the day at the weekend.

We each made a wish list of things each wanted to accomplish during the lockdown individually and one for us together. It is pinned up. We have not done all of it but we have made great progress. The idea was to use the lockdown to best advantage so that we could look back at this time with pleasure.

So far it has worked out really well. The one thing that has surprised me is how DH has asked for advice on his work which would never have happened when he went to an office. That has given me a lovely feeling of being valuable.

We don't even own a television. We download plays from the National Theatre every week and the Met Opera (both free). I did a course on score reading with the Open University (also free) and DH is teaching himself piano. We are members of a book group that meets up on Zoom.

Our church has a weekly on line Zoom service plus coffee hour. A group of us takes care of keeping an eye on our vulnerable parishioners and we catch up with that on Zoom too.

Make the youngsters clean the bathroom :-)

First of all, we have 4 children, not 3. Typo, but for some reason I cannot correct it.

That would be great. My husband had to take early retirement because of the economy. The company gave him a great package. So he finds me a lot and asks me what I am doing. He wants me to be with him and help him on projects or just be around. We've gotten tons done together. The farm is in much better shape and the house is decluttered. As I said, I'm just with him ALL THE TIME. Maybe I can talk about structured away time somehow... I love him. I really do.

I only clean ours. They are in their early to mid-twenties. They clean their own bathrooms, do their own laundry, clean the kitchen, mow the lawn, etc. Their schools or work went online. That is why they are here. But if I do not do that, then I am snapping beans or shelling peas instead of conversing with students. I am used to being out of the house interacting with tons of people. I LOVE people. Yeah, we've done a couple of Zooms. It isn't the same. I want to hug people, hold hands while praying, etc.

I'm a bit concerned about this description.

It sounds as if you are saying that what made you overcome your depression in the past was to develop a life away from your husband. It sounds as if your music career, church, and the other things you did outside the house made you able to get along with your husband when you were together. But it doesn't sound as if he was your favourite recreational companion. If I understand correctly, you needed your own separate recreation in order to make spending time alone with your H tolerable.


It sounds from this that you have looked for ways to make yourself more interesting to your husband, but he doesn't seem to be aware of how he could become more interesting to you. It sounds as if he talks about his interests and doesn't even know that you find these tedious. Does he make an effort to find out what subjects of conversation interest you?

I think you're not just saying that you miss your normal, pre-lockdown life. I think you're saying that your marriage does not make you happy, but you were able to get through it by having a life of your own. Now that your separate, fulfilling life has been cut off by lockdown, you are thrown back onto your marriage, and the shortcomings (for you, not necessarily for your husband) are made very apparent. Is that the case?

I'm not sure I agree with what you are saying. I gave up my career to stay home and homeschool and support my husband and his career. Our lives revolved around that. I had no outside interests and no friends. I had no me. My husband is great, but he cannot be my god. He cannot fill all my needs like laughing with girlfriends. Like hearing cool lectures and having deep theological discussions with colleagues. I have no trouble being alone with him and once I got my job he became much more about how to help me meet my career goals. That has been wonderful. I could tell him about the theological conversations or share the funny things my girlfriend did or whatever. We would go out to plays or musicals together on a regular basis and talk about that over dessert. We would serve together overseas. We would talk about our experiences there.

But I am an extrovert. I need lots of people. I had them before I was married and before we had kids and now again. I need them. Your spouse should not be your sole focus. I am never ever losing me again. Period. My husband is considerate and kind. Today I talked with him as we harvested the produce this morning. I chatted with him as he worked on something in the shop. We talked over lunch. We can talk. But not 24/7. I don't want to. The problem is I have no outside content to contribute and feel like I am trapped again like I used to be. Once the country opens up, I will have room to breathe.

Your answer has made things even less clear for me. So you're not really looking for help with your marriage under lockdown. You're expressing frustration about life under lockdown and you're longing for it to be over. Is that accurate?

Yeah maybe. And maybe because he no longer has a job to go to and I don't have anything either, trying to adjust to being with him 24/7. What used to be exciting times when we were together... I mean I looked forward to our frequent dates. We laughed and had a ball. Has become a needy man following me around and doing things 24/7. It isn't special anymore. I like the idea one of the posters had about having separate project times or something and then coming together. Maybe that would help. My job may not pick back up for 12 months or more, until singing. I hate that singing is one of the worst ways to spread this horrible virus.

Could you suggest a more structured day to him?

I don't think you understand the concept of emotional needs. An emotional need is a need that, when met, creates romantic love. Obviously, chatting with your girlfirneds is not creating romantic love in your marriage. Sure, you like it, but it is not an emotional need.

It doesn't sound to me like you are in love with your husband. The cause would be a failure to effectively meet your intimate emotional needs.

This would be due to not being able to go out on dates since you're in lockdown.

Before lockdown, how many hours a week were you two getting in dates?

Chatting with your husband while he tinkers in his shop is great, but it's not going to meet your emotional needs. His focus is going to have to be on you. Singing together is not going to do it, either, since you find it annoying. Not getting enough enjoyable undivided attention time is going to greatly impact your feelings of isolation and contribute to you feeling trapped.

You and your husband can solve this problem. It's going to be difficult since you are not allowed out of the house. You and he will have to be very intentional (especially him), and it may not be perfect until you're able to get out again. But you can work towards it.

Is this a problem you are wanting to solve?