In case you don't know -- I changed my name from an alias I commonly use. My other thread is titled 'lost and broken' for those who want context.

The very tiny snoop results:

-- I had access to her old phone for a week. I couldn't see anything from the guy and I was checking regularly assuming she would delete when found. Either they have slowed down communication or moved it to another app.
-- The only messages I've seen pop up are between her and her sister and mother that basically say she just wants to be done and move down there.
-- I gained access to her icloud and was able to see that she has a "No Name" contact with the guy's area code.
-- I looked at our phone activity on our bill, and way back in March she talked to someone with his area code for 72 minutes. No other calls after that.
-- It breaks my heart to have to spy on her like this. This is the person I have trusted with everything in my life for 23 years (22 married).

Problems:

-- I've lost access to her old phone. I think she took out the phone at her work. I'm now officially blind
-- At this point I have no way of gathering evidence or knowing what's going on. It's terrifying and saddening. What do I do about this:?

Other stuff:

-- I'm waking up every day to try to be the best husband, father, and person that I can be. I'm cleaning. I'm doing the grocery runs. I'm attentive. We've started going to church as a family -- (that should have happened years ago).
-- I'm meeting her at her work during her break once a week and taking her out to lunch.
-- When we talk about the issues, she rages at me and I stay calm and acknowledge my parts of the mistakes and tell her I love her, that I believe in us, and that I have faith we will get through this.
-- She is ANGRY that I'm doing things around the house for her, but I continue to do them. I vow that if we make it through this I will ALWAYS do them. Every day.
-- We continue to have sex. She softens when this happens (her anger subsides and the wall comes down briefly. We had a discussion on the phone yesterday where she got angry because I was doing things. I was patient and calm and understanding. A little later I called her up and said "just tossing this out there -- do you want me to make us a drink for when you get home?" She did. She more freely tells me she loves me during these moments when and after we are intimate. She goes back for a period of time kissing me directly on the mouth. Etc. Take in mind that we have never really fought in our marriage so we aren't the type of couple that fights and then has sex. It has never been a thing for us.


Anyway... now that I'm completely blind I don't know what I can do to bust this affair up. I truly don't think it's moved past chatting at this point. I've thought back and looked back extensively on where she was at all times over the past 6 months, and she hasn't been unaccounted for long enough to drive to meet someone flying in from half way across the country. In my gut I think this started as a little chatting....then phone conversations over the past 4 or 5 months, but it hasn't moved to in-person physical yet. I know that probably makes ZERO difference in the problem, but that's what I think. I'm completely blocked from any intel at this point. Where do I go from here?

I just realized that she might have already met him in person.

On the Monday before all this hit, she went to Atlanta for "training" while I was out of town. It was supposed to be for this theater group she's part of. Would it be ok for me to message her friend who is also in that to find out if there really was training? It's the only way I can think of to confirm if that is what she was doing or not. Or I could ask her point blank about it tonight and have my voice memos recording. That's how I got a recording of her admitting that she's been talking to him -- though it had all the other stuff about our last two years (swinging) on it too.

I need to some guidance here guys. I'm out of evidence finding luck and I need to blow this thing up. If I can get audio of her admitting it-- And also I need guidance on how to expose the affair. Do I expose it to my kids too (15 and 17) and message his wife as well?

Or do I reach out to his wife to enlist her help in the investigation??? Help!

Did you get a VAR?
Did you hire a PI?

Getting a VAR.

The PI -- that's a problem. 1. cost and our finances are all together and she would notice in a heartbeat. 2. How much can he investigate when the guy lives 17 hours away? Do they have ways of snooping on social media that I can't think of?

For the funeral she's going to that he is going to be at -- I have an investigator that will be on the ground there with them.

When will you have the VAR?

See your other thread about costs.

Contact a PI and talk to him. This is what they do -- I am sure they have many ways of snooping that the average person doesn't think of.

For the funeral -- is the investigator a PI?

You do not want friend telling your wife that her husband asked this. Besides, it tells you nothing. Even if there was a training session she could still have met up with OM. Better to look at your financial records. There would have been a charge for the hotel stay as well as the training if this had been legit.


No because she will just lie. Tipping your hand will also make the VAR and PI useless because she will know you are onto her and be better at covering her tracks.

The obvious answer is to hire a PI who works in the state that is 17 hours away.

They can be hired online. You need to check their credentials and not get scammed. On this forum, we once had someone living in the USA whose spouse travelled to Hungary, in Europe. They hired a PI online in Hungary and got the (distressing) affair information very quickly.

Yes he is. I've given him locations, times, pictures, photos of car, etc.

Good going. When will you have the VAR?

Hopefully tomorrow.

Once I get proof.... what do I do? Like, who do I tell?

We will walk you through that, step by step. Concentrate all your efforts on getting proof right now.

Is recorded admission of talking to him -- every day -- proof enough? I have that. Except it also includes all of our disaster of swinging stuff too because she was throwing that at me when we discussed it.

You should listen to what marcos, Prisca and MelodyLane tell you about whether the recording is enough (it depends on whether what she admits to is enough that anyone can see it is an affair), but in my view, you need to expose both her affair AND your swinging.

The swinging is as reprehensible as her affair, and it is just as much the cause of your marital breakdown as her affair. You seem to be very embarrassed - as you should be - and to want to keep knowledge of the the swinging away from your kids and close families. I even suspect that your reluctance earlier on in the thread to expose her affair was because you did not want the details of the swinging to come out. However, they are both reasons for the crisis you are in now. Your wife won't think well of you if you expose her wrongdoings but try to hide your equally destructive behaviour. Your marital recovery will be hindered if you take a cowardly approach like that.

URGENT: How do I delete or modify these threads? She may look in here because I think she saw Marriage Builders flash up on my phone.

I reported your post for the moderators.