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Also, could you please post your Plan B letter here so we can give you feedback? I think you did once before, but I didn't have time to go back and look for it.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Hi BH

I sent this one to Dr Harley....

Dear BF

Your affair has made living with you the most painful experience of my life. I could also not tolerate your drinking or your anger, and all of those things together was the reason I wanted us to separate.

I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. My sister will agree to help make arrangements for you to see our children on schedule that is mutually convenient. If you want to communicate about the children or any other matter, it will have to be through her.

If you can prove your affair is over, have stopped drinking and are in some anger management program, then we could see start dating again. If you wanted to live with me again then you would have to marry me first.

I loved our life together, I have never felt so contented. You were everything to me successful, fun, father of our children and I never so much looked at another man. All I ever wanted for the future was for all four of us to be together and have a wonderful life. I remember once you said 'i hope we are buried together' and thats how I saw it too.

I loved you since I first met you and still do now, but cannot go back to how it was.

Love CoolB

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I also have a copy next to my bed.

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Got myself into such a state today.

Sent the new kids schedule over to IM, always a trigger.

BF has already come back asking for additional time. Nothing unreasonable though.

Here we go again.

Spoke to Joyce Harley today. On the radio Friday.

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We don't want to be right, we want to spare you and your children the pain. Good that you will talk to the Harley's.

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Thank you Goody2Shoes

The children seem to be fine thank the lord. I have clarified with them what is going on, that is not their fault. They seem bright and happy and Not acting up at all. I am very lucky.

I on the other hand, am broken. I have been sucked back in, suffered terrible anxiety for the last 48 hours. I am starting to calm back down and re group.

Looking back I did 10 weeks where I did not text, call or make any contact with him. I did well. I know I can get back to this place.

I wish I was able to shut the door and walk away for good. My family is everything to me.



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Hi everyone

BF picked kids up today at 330pm. He came upto the doorstep to engage in conversation but I went inside the house. He shouted something down the drive to do with cutting the grass. I shut the door went inside.

I am glad for a 24 hour break of the kids , homeschooling and working with everything that has been going on has been hard.

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speaking to the HArleys in 15 minutes. I am looking forward to it but also thinking why are you bothering? It is a lost cause and you are better off out of there.

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If you’re in Plan B you shouldn’t be seeing or hearing from him at all.

Haven’t had a chance to listen. What did Dr. Harley say?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Morning MB folk!

So I had my session with the Harleys yesterday which I thoroughly enjoyed! What wonderful people.

Dr Harley had his chat with me before the show, he had done all the research on my situation and knew everything in depth!

Dr Harley said that I had got myself in a trap that I needed to get out of. He said he was counselling a couple in a very similar situation but they were married, but separated. He said it was the same pattern of abuse and control and that the husband had to learn to be kind and not use abusive tactics to control the situation.

He asked about how I came out of the Plan B. I told him how I had let him back in without meeting any of my conditions and that we have spent the last 12 weeks together. I told Dr Harley that during that time there had not been one angry outburst, not a single argument and that BF was making it clear that there was no other woman around. Dr Harley was very positive about this and said well he has met 2 conditions of your Plan B letter. So that’s positive!

He said now your need to address the third thing which is the alchohol. Dr Harley has A LOT of experience with this as you know and explained the single thing you can do for This guy is to get him to stop drinking for his health and he needs to stop. That I need to offer him help to stand by his side and do that.

He also advised that I need to treat him with kindness and respect and have courage.

That in need to tell BF that I love him, I want to spend the rest of my life with him and have an alchohol free relationship. He said get to this point first before anything else.

He also told me that I need to learn to express my emotions in a positive way.

If he doesn’t want to give up the alchohol then move into Plan B and move forward with a legal separation.

So I am really taken a back. I have also learnt that I am really negative thinker and that I should have taken on board the changes he has been making.

Still a long way to go and now I have to find the right time to have that conversation when it all fell apart this week.

Last edited by Coolbeginnings; 06/27/20 03:24 AM.
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Now it’s tricky how to take this forward as he has pulled back and we have reverted to kids schedule. We spoke on Thursday and said we needed to chat but he hasn’t initiated a conversation yet. Do I wait for him or do I catch him when he drops the kids off? Suggest we meet somewhere outside the home and talk?

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Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
Now it’s tricky how to take this forward as he has pulled back and we have reverted to kids schedule. We spoke on Thursday and said we needed to chat but he hasn’t initiated a conversation yet. Do I wait for him or do I catch him when he drops the kids off? Suggest we meet somewhere outside the home and talk?

Take this slowly. Do some research. I'm guessing he needs in-patient treatment. It takes 5 years for the brain to rewire the addictive pathways but the worst part is the first 3 months of drying out. If he is running his own business, he will need to do some careful planning. You can talk that through with him.


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Thank you Living Well.

When the kids got back today I asked if Daddy had a drink and they said no he wasn’t drinking. I think he already knows he needs to do this.

He came and spoke to me when he dropped the kids off and I am kicking myself I should have left it but I said I think it would be a good idea to talk? He agreed that it was a good idea and that we should do it away from the house. He didn’t mention a time or place? What next? Wait for him to suggest a day? I feel like I am doing too much chasing here and he needs to come to me a bit.

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Completely panicked now. BF has pulled away. When I didn’t communicate very well with him a couple of weeks ago, he has avoided me and given me the cold shoulder.

I am trying to stay calm but I am annoyed at myself for confronting him about the house and why he is extending the lease all of a sudden when he said before he was coming home. He did say that it was his fault too and that he should talk to me through this whole process.

It was good to feel him pursue me again when I let him back in. Now I feel like it has gone back to how it was before.

I am not sure if this is part of the abusive cycle where if I complained about something he did then he would give me the silent treatment? It feels like he may just need to regroup. He keeps texting and contacting me all the time?

He said we need to talk so that is good right? I just thought he would have jumped at the chance to move back home and he didn’t want to. Even though I know it’s not the right time for him to come back, it would make me feel good for him to want to! Just more rejection. He did say 2 weeks ago that he needs to give up drinking in order to get “us right” that’s his words.

I am thinking now that I should just wait for him to come to me to initiate chat?!

Many people would have given up by now in my situation I am sure. IF he agrees to give up the alchohol and continue with us, I am not sure I can handle this distance between us living apart and dating. It is so hard.

I don’t know what to tell family and friends they are all wondering what is going on.


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Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
I am thinking now that I should just wait for him to come to me to initiate chat?!

Yes and it could take several weeks

Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
Many people would have given up by now in my situation I am sure. IF he agrees to give up the alchohol and continue with us, I am not sure I can handle this distance between us living apart and dating. It is so hard.

Yes hard but harder for him. Drying out will be a long slog. He cannot just 'give up' the alcohol and he certainly cannot move back in until that is sorted.

Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
I don’t know what to tell family and friends they are all wondering what is going on.

Just tell them you will let them know once you have some news (polite way of saying none of your beeswax)


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Thank you Living Well

BF sent me email Sat evening saying he has booked go karting for the weekend for us ALL to go go-karting. That’s for the weekend he has the kids not this weekend the following.

How do I respond? I was thinking I would love to but we need to talk first?

He has been texting and calling every day and I have just been polite, friendly and respectful.

I am actually quite surprised at Dr Harleys response I thought he would recommend to go straight to Plan B. Instead he was saying be friendly, warm and respectful and talk to him about his drinking. BF is being the same back, but all I am thinking is how could he abandon us like this? Why hasn’t he pushed to come home? He has cheated on me, left me, come back and I am still trying to work things out?! It is so humiliating. Dr Harley must have seen something there or wouldn’t have advised me to do this.

I saw my Mum today and she said I hope your having nothing to do with him? I said that we are working things out. She looked so upset.

I can’t understand most of all how he can sit in his house and be away from his children as much as this.

Most of all I cannot understand why I want this man back. He has deserted us basically.

Does anyone on this forum understand alcoholics and how that may affect relationships?

It was like I was hoping Dr Harley was going to recommend go back to Plan B.


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I love the feedback LW on I will let you know when there is news. I cannot believe how many people ask me.

It’s like Melody Lane said, if he wanted you he would have moved mountains to be with you. Isn’t this all a bit degrading?

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I am not sure I can cope with it. The one who is trying to fix the relationship.

I just don’t know how to act in the meantime until we have a talk???

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I can’t help thinking that I should move on, go out have fun, go into Plan B, I would probably get more reaction.

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Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
I am actually quite surprised at Dr Harleys response I thought he would recommend to go straight to Plan B. Instead he was saying be friendly, warm and respectful and talk to him about his drinking. BF is being the same back, but all I am thinking is how could he abandon us like this? Why hasn’t he pushed to come home? He has cheated on me, left me, come back and I am still trying to work things out?! It is so humiliating. Dr Harley must have seen something there or wouldn’t have advised me to do this.

I agree, he saw something. Presume he saw that despite everything that has happened, you still love one another. As you have two children together, it is worth doing everything you can to save the relationship but to do that he has to stop drinking and dry out.

Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
I saw my Mum today and she said I hope your having nothing to do with him? I said that we are working things out. She looked so upset.

Mum is protecting her baby. Sometimes that is not the right thing to do.

Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
Does anyone on this forum understand alcoholics and how that may affect relationships?

Mel is the best one to advise on alcoholics but addictions are all the same. The addict does whatever he needs to do to get his drug of choice. Letting go is very hard. The addict spends a lot of time fooling himself that he is not really addicted, that he can stop while in reality he is just on a temporary break. Addiction is a coping mechanism. The addict does not want to address the covert issues that it covers up because to do that they have to first become overt. That is why in-patient treatment is necessary.


Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
It was like I was hoping Dr Harley was going to recommend go back to Plan B.

You have never been in Plan B! Perhaps you start your conversation with him by explaining what Dr Harley told you. Be sure to bring up your negativism so that


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