A bit of background. My wife and I have been married for almost 17 years. In 2010 I found out she was having an emotional affair with someone long distance through text messaging. Lucky, I discovered it right before she was planning a trip to meet this person and have sex. Within the next 2 years, I caught her sending inappropriate texts to another guy, but nothing came about from that. Then in 2013 she ended up having a physical affair with a guy for about 9 months. I followed the advice on this site and after doing exposer, plan A , etc. we eventually reconciled, and the last 5-7 years have been the best years of our marriage. Unfortunately, for the past year or so, we have been going through a rough patch and have grown apart. My mother was in the hospital for a couple months and we found out she has terminal cancer and we also found out my wife has to restart nursing school because she failed 2 classes, so it has been a devastating financial blow to our family. Needless to say, I’ve been dealing with a lot of my own depression over the last year and probably haven’t been there for my wife as much as I should have been and we’ve been arguing more than usual over the last several months. I’ve also gained about 15 pounds over the last several months, which isn’t helping.

About a month ago my wife went out for drinks with one of her friends and a guy ended up flirting with her a bit. Nothing happened at that time, but he ended up looking her up on LinkedIn and they started chatting there. Then, I guess he ended up inviting her out on a date and since we were not doing good, she went out with him (she lied and told me she was going out with a friend). Well, unfortunately, she ended up at his house later that night and had sex (that was July 8). Up until this point, I really think she has been faithful (since the last affair) and I haven’t really been checking up on her. Shortly after July 8, I noticed a change in her. She became even more distant and it was very similar to how things were before when she was having an affair seven years ago. So then I started snooping and found out her LinkedIn password and logged in and saw most of the messages. I don’t know 100% they had sex, but I’m almost certain based on the messages. They message back and forth all the time about how things they want to do to each other during sex. oral, etc. as you can imagine. I didn’t discover the LinkedIn messages till about a week ago so I really didn’t know what was going for sure until then. I think the day after I changed her LinkedIn password so she couldn’t get into it any longer and I confronted her about it. She apologized but I was so angry at that time, I just told her I wanted to separate. BTW, she never really fully confessed, only partially to what she did (she said she only kissed him). On Sunday evening she went to go see him again even though she lied to me about where she was but I honestly was so angry at the time, I didn’t even care.

Well, after a few days of thinking about it, I’m not so sure I really want a divorce. I know this sounds bad, but I mainly want to stay together for the kids and money. It would be really hard on me to pay child support right now. So I’m kinda at a crossroad as to what to do. When I first confronted her about it, she seemed like she wanted to stop the affair and work things out with me, but like I said, I wasn’t receptive to it. Now that she’s seen him a second time (I think it’s only the second time), she’s gone to being distant again. Yesterday I told her that I’d be willing to work things out if she really wanted to, but she said she didn’t know what she wanted. I told her to think about it for a day or two and let me know what she wants to do. So that’s where everything stands right now, sorry for the long message. I just don’t know what I should do. My plan was if she told me she wants to try to work things out with me, to call this guy and tell him to back off. I haven’t spoken to the other guy yet. But, I don’t know, maybe I should still confront this guy even if she tells me she doesn’t want to stay together, IDK. I’ve only told one friend of mine about this second affair because he’s been through the same thing with his ex wife. During the first affair, I ended up exposing the affair to just about everyone (all of our friends, both of our parents, etc.). Most of my friends and family were fine that we stayed together and worked things out, but I know they thought I should have just left her the first time so I’m realty hesitant to tell some of my close friends or my parents because if we did end up staying together it would just strain the relationship between them and her even more than it already is. During the affair 7 years ago, my kids were 3 and 6 so I’ve never told them anything. Now they are 10 and 13 so I’m not sure if I should tell them about the current and/or past affair. I don’t mind telling her friends or family though. So exposer this time around, I think I would want it to be more limited. I’ve also thought about trying to find out any of this guys friends/family and exposing to them. I believe he’s divorced, so there really isn’t a spouse of his to tell. So in short, I think I’m leaning on trying plan A and just looking for advice on whether to contact the other guy to tell him to back off and who to expose to.

Thanks in advance!

Welcome back and sorry it’s under the same conditions that brought you here before.

Your WW sounds like she’s never learned about extraordinary precautions and if she doesn’t learn that you’re going to keep going down the same path.

You need to find out who this OM is and if he really is divorced. You need to find out his friends and family and still expose to them.

Even if you decide to divorce you need to expose the affair on his side and you need to tell your children.

Can you find out the information, family, ex-wife on the OM?

Hi Captain, I am sorry you are back here. I am sorry for you and your kids. The reason your wife has affairs is because she is looking for them. She is actively trolling for action and there is nothing you can do to save a marriage like that. The typical affair is very different in that it happens by accident. We can help couples in those situations. Here is what Dr Harley says about your situation:


I think it is real important that you face the fact that your wife intends to cheat and there is nothing you can do to stop her. What you can do is protect yourself and your children legally so she doesn't destroy your finances. I would strongly urge you to consult an attorney and try to get primary custody of your children. Please make a plan to separate from her.

And I would most certainly suggest you expose her affair to everyone, especially your kids. If you don't tell your kids the truth, she will tell them lies. Tell your parents and close friends so your wife your wife cannot lie to them all. You desperately need their support now. Don't help her cover up her affairs. Tell everyone.

Hi BrainHurts,

Thanks for the reply. Good idea about finding out if he is really divorced. I've been trying to dig up as much as I can online about the OM and even though I'm not friends with him on Facebook there's quite a bit of stuff I can still see. From what it looks like on there, it does seem like he is single, but you are right, you never know. I can't see his friends list, but I can see around 200 or so people that have liked photos on his page or made comments, etc. Based on those and his last name, I have figured out who one of his sons is. His oldest son (I think it is his oldest) looks to be around 20ish and he has his own Facebook page. I can't really tell who his wife/ex-wife is. Should I just go ahead and expose to those people that have made comments on his FB page? It doesn't appear that any of my FB friends are his FB friends, but there are a few people I know who are friends with his friends. Do you recommend I reach out to them to see if they can connect me to one of his friends in order to get more info on the OM? Also, do you recommend I expose to people at his company on LinkedIn? It's a small company (maybe 10-20 employees) and he's the general manager there. Also, I seem to remember there was some resource on the best way to expose through Facebook (how to send messages to people not your friends and how to not go into the spam filter, etc.). Can anyone point me to that resource?

Thanks

Captain, I would not spend this much time on exposure to the OM's contacts. Sure, confront him and let him know she is married and maybe send PM's to a few of his family members. The objective here is to run him off and it shouldn't take that much work.

The more critical objective is to get legal protection and to expose her affairs to your family and friends, especially your children.

In a typical situation, exposure serves to end the affair in order to save the marriage. That is not the case here. Ending the affair will not save your marriage because it will not prevent her from looking for affairs. The main problem here is not the affair, but that your wife is actively looking for action. Nothing you do can overcome that.

Hi MelodyLane, Thanks for the reply. You may very well be right. Even though what she did was incredibly wrong, I truly believe she didn't intend to start another affair. We had just gotten to a place where I was very critical of her and we were not getting along at all. She wasn't getting from me what she needed and when someone else came along that gave her compliments and attention, she had a (another) moment of weakness. I do still love her very much and maybe I'm just blind to the truth, but nevertheless, I have decided to try to restore the marriage. I may fail and even if I succeed, it may happen again and I may regret it, but that is what I have decided for now.

If I'm going to go ahead and try to restore our marriage, I'd love to hear your thoughts on whether I should expose to the OM's friends, coworkers, etc...

Thanks again for your reply.

Just know that your wife full well knows how affairs start and knows how devastating they are to her marriage and to you. She already knew this from previous experience yet she had another affair. This has nothing to do with unmet needs. You could have met her needs 100% and she would have still had an affair.

Your wife is a serial cheater, so you need to understand that this will be a way of life for her. This will be your future.


The only hope of saving this is if your wife will agree to radically change her loose lifestyle that led to her multiple affairs. Will she do this?

Plan A is not appropriate with a serial cheater because she did not cheat because of unmet needs. This was no accident.

My concern is that you wrongly believe she had an affair because of YOU. That is not true. She had an affair because she is a) looking for them and b) has very inappropriate boundaries with men. The fact that she goes bar hopping is very surprising. She lives and behaves like a single woman, so naturally she will have affairs.

The only way to save this is if she makes radical changes in her lifestyle. Otherwise you are wasting your time. You need to sit her down now and see if she will agree to end her affair and follow all of these extraordinary precautions.

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Here’s an excellent read and Dr. Harley’s article on Serial Cheaters is in here as well.