Hi MB forum. I'm looking for direction and advice. I am 40, WW is 38, we have 3 daughters, 14, 16 and 19 and i just caught her cheating for the third time.

First affair started on fb, no marriage builders knowledge, old, high school flame, she came home in two weeks and forgive/ forget.

Second affair 5 years later, started on fb. Used marriage builders to expose affair, it blew up, he went back to his wife, she came home and we worked through some of marriage builders but stopped short of complete program. We did agree to no social media and worked through EN worksheets and committed to meeting those needs. She was also diagnosed as bipolar II, started medicating and until 10 days ago, everything seemed great. It's been 5 years again.

Last Wednesday, she took off to "see an uncle". Arriving at her destination, she claimed cell reception wasn't good. I asked for and was given uncle's number. Some chance snooping uncovered a series of events that led to the discovery of this affair. I confronted her and she admitted to it while in a san Francisco Airport terminal on friday. A game she is playing had an online chat room and history is repeating itself. When she landed, she came home and announced the intention to divorce and left.

That night she left. I gathered evidence. On Sunday morning, i exposed the affair to everyone we know. Unfortunately, that was only about 20 people. They called the lover, they called me. Only a couple called her and they really wouldn't talk to her about much- they're all fed up with her.

The lover said he'd been misled by her(no surprise) and he wasn't seeing her any more. At the time, i thought exposure was a success.

Of course, she's furious with me at the time of exposure and is still mad now, but is still constantly talking to me, asking for help, etc. Thinking I'm plan A my way through withdrawal, I'm quick to support all needs, emotional and otherwise, but something doesn't feel right. She's still pushing hard to get the world fastest divorce. Literally, rushing through division of assets, custody, etc. I think it's a fog, avoid all love busters, attempt to meet needs.

She's staying in our motorhome while I'm in the house with the kids. She's had me over for some reason or another almost every night. On one of those nights, i saw an airline plan for a flight to San Francisco. I calmly asked about it and she said it was possibly a plan for 3 months from now. She said he's not with her but they're still kind of talking. She obviously isn't telling the whole story but the calls and texts to him have stopped.

I think he told her he didn't date married women but if she was divorced, they could be together.

I had a session with Dr Harley and unfortunately, i didn't get a real clear plan of action. He suggested plan A, plan B and divorce. I'm going to schedule another session to get a clearer understanding but thought maybe i could get some help understanding how to move forward. She's treating me like we're still married sometimes but mentioning divorce constantly in the same breath. Do i continue plan A, move to plan B, let the divorce happen? It's killing me because i know if i could get the lover out, i could work us to dr harley and a complete recovery but I'm out of ammo.

Any suggestions?

She's also asked to come back to the house, not to reconcile but because it would be easier for her financially. My girls won't speak to her at the moment. I don't want to enable her affair/ divorce but can't help but wonder if being under the same roof would work to my advantage?

**sorry for the repost, i first posted this in mb 101 and realized it doesn't belong there

If she's not under the same roof, you will hardly be able to meet her needs. The odds if you are separated are worse. If you do a good job on plan A, it shows her a glimpse what might be if she stays in a MB marriage. During plan B she will know the difference.

The odds are not in your favour, she is already a serial cheater and the complication that she is bipolar will make her more impulsive. So protect your finances, document everything.

When did you speak to Dr Harley? Did you reach him at his radio show, because he is not in active practice. Does he understand your wife is a serial cheater? Your wife is not having affairs because of unmet needs, but because she is out looking for action. The program won't help that.

You are in a fantastic position while she is fogged out to get a really good legal settlement. I would strongly suggest you take advantage of that so you can protect yourself financially and get primary custody of your children. It you don't protect yourself legally, she will be able to ruin you financially, which can take years to recover from. Right now, she is in an affair and is very apt to wipe you out financially and incur debt. Don't let that happen!

I had a coaching session with Dr Stephen Harley on Monday. Is that not dr harley? He has the full story, understands her addiction to social media and of course her poor boundaries. He said she's an addict, treat her like an addict- cut her off from the drug and protect my family from her while she's on it. He said recovery was possible.

I have an addiction background so i understand that reference. I just don't know how long to work to convince her I'm the best for her and work to get her to embrace this program completely.

There are unmet needs, I've not met affection, admiration or conversation in the past year or two.

Not trying to excuse her behavior. I know it's 90% her fault.

The legal settlement I'm sure will happen unless i can get her out of this affair and to embrace the program.

Sounds like consensus is there's no hope for recovery, just plan B until divorce?

Thanks for the clarification. Dr. Bill Harley is a clinical psychologist and Steve is a licensed therapist. (A very good one too) Affairs are almost always addictions. The difference in your case is that your wife is a serial cheater and she is addicted to having affairs. She is not addicted to a particular person. This is not her first affair and won’t be her last unless she does something to break that addiction. She doesn’t cheat because of unmet needs. You could have met her needs 100% and she would have still cheated because she is LOOKING FOR AFFAIRS. She already knows how devastating they are to you and still chose to do it.

Your wife won’t embrace the program until and unless her addiction is resolved. Trying to convince her will be like trying to convince a falling down drunk.

Have your children been told about her affairs? And have you had STD testing? Can you describe your exposure? To whom did you expose and what did you say?

Also, were you on marriage builders before?

To whom did you expose the affair? Did you expose to your kids? What about the OM's family? Is he married? What do you know about him?

I exposed the affair to all of our family and friends i had contact with and our children. The guy is not married, not on Facebook, no contact with his family. I had his name and had made contact with him by text. Below is what i sent

This message is going out to everyone important in xxx and my life. Some already know, but Friday xxx asked for a divorce. She asked for this is because she is having an affair with a guy who's number is xxx-xxx-xxxx. I have phone records that show is been going on for over a month. On Wednesday, she flew to California and on Friday, I confronted her while she was at the airport and she admitted she was cheating. Sadly, this wasn't enough for her to end it. I'm asking all of you to use your influence over her to help end this devastating affair so we can deal with our marriage. Also, any that are willing or able to call this guy or track down his friends and family, please do. Any questions, please call me and I'll provide all the answers i have

This got to everyone except her chat room group on the game she plays(where the OM was/is). Those people are the only people she talks to now, everyone else we know she's stopped talking to except for one cousin and aunt whose number i don't have.

I haven't been tested for std, this was first in person encounter.

We were on MB before but after the habits were formed, we stopped checking in annually to make sure all needs were still met. I got comfortable and complacent, so did she and here we are.

I understand she's a serial cheater but i think it's partly because i ignore her needs. I don't know. I do know that her adamant mindset on filing for divorce instead of talking through anything when she was happy a month ago tells me she's still chasing the OM instead of being an adult, so what do i do?

What did your children say when you told them?

Did you contact the people on that game chat? Have you looked his name up to find any relatives?

Did you contact the OM yourself?

Have you read Serial Cheaters?

There is an article that Dr. Harley wrote about serial cheaters that is in that thread. Have you read it?

My children said good riddance. She picked him over us, she's not my mom any more.

I don't know how to find the game or game chat. I looked up the OM, contacted him through text while she was with him. I had many others call him, including one that acted like my teenage daughter.

As far as his family members, i can't confirm he has any. Using his name from voicemail and peoplesearch, there's no relatives, he's 39 and single.

I've read serial cheater

Do you want to save your marriage?

Yes, i want to save my marriage.

Sorry, Brainhurts, i thought you were referring to dr harley's article. I've now read the thread as well.

She is a self centered, selfish person by nature and she is a little bit of a flirt. She has terrible boundaries with men and low self esteem which all matches serial cheater BUT she also tried to stay with each OM, so i don't know 100% she's a serial cheater by that definition.

Either way, living with EP's worked for the last 5 years until she violated that. Meeting each others most important emotional needs, spending at least 15 hours of quality time together with undivided attention, never spending a night apart, making sure our happiest times were spent together, all done up to the day she left.

Strangely to me, she asked me to have dinner with her last night. It was like nothing was wrong, had good conversation, no talk of divorce, etc.

Still doesn't make sense. I can't tell if she's just riding along waiting for the divorce filing in two weeks or if she is responding to my care and attention. Maybe both.

You could have met her needs 100% and she would have still cheated because she is actively looking for action. She has terrible boundaries with men because her lovebank is open. A serial cheater is a person who cheats multiple times, as she has. They are addicted to having affairs. That defines her.

Did you read the advice to get legal protection now while she is fogged out, before she destroys your finances? You can file for divorce or separation and get a good agreement from her now while she is fogged out. If you want to try to save the marriage, you can drag out the divorce but you would be legally protected. If allowed, she could cause enormous damage to your finances.

Thanks MelodyLane, yes i read that. The divorce is negotiated, filing using 401k money that should be here in about 12 days. I'm moving in two directions, preparing for divorce and looking for a way to avoid it.

That's why I'm here. I understand she's a serial cheater. I know that means for any hope of success, very strict EP have to be and stay in place. And i know if we get to that road, it will be difficult and long.

What I'm looking for is advice on how to get from where i am to the next step, if there is one.

Dr Harley's advice to those married to serial cheaters is to close all the doors and windows. She needs to give up the computer and smartphone. You can never spend another night apart. You will have to monitor her movements during the day in ways that are not disclosed to her for the rest of her life. If you are prepared to do that and she agrees, congratulations. This is not going to be easy.

Get the legal papers finalised and the money safe before you drop this on her.

Should i start by allowing her to come home?

I don't know how you can force her to change. That is an unrealistic expectation in this situation. That is why I am recommending that you negotiate a divorce settlement NOW in order to get the best possible deal while she is fogged out. She is probably planning on taking as much money as possible to go be with the OM and will do that one way or the other.

That doesn't mean she won't wake up at some point, but I don't see that happening. If you got a legal agreement in place now, FOR PROTECTION, you could take your time and try to win her back.