Hi all,

I’m new to posting on things like this but really have no where else to turn. I cheated in my wife of 5 years with another women I worked with which lasted for 11 months. My wife and I have a 2 1/2 year old daughter with my wife. The affair lasted 11 months until my wife found out. My wife found out when I was in the process of ending the affair. My wife and I have decided to separate and I am moving out of the apartment we share together on the 1st for separation purposes. My wife has said that she see’s divorce in the future but as of right now she is ok with us going to separation counseling. I deeply regret the affair I had and I truly do love my wife to my core and want nothing more in the world than to be with her. I’m sick over the pain and anguish I have brought to my family and want nothing more than to be given the chance to make things right. Like I previously mentioned, my wife is open to separation which is really the only thing keeping me afloat mentally. We have been going to separation therapy for 3 weeks now and it seems to be helping. My wife has not even gone as far as setting a separation date which is mandatory in California where we live if divorce is the ultimate goal. She does say that she does not see herself being able to get past it but tells me that I will need to win her back which is my intention. My very anxious about being separated and don’t k ow how it’s going to go but I am very willing to do whatever it takes to get her back and get us back to the happy times. When I ask or we talk about the future all she says is I cant even think about that all she can think about is right now which I totally understand. I’ve destroyed her emotionally and I’m so sick over all the anguish I’ve caused. So I guess I’m on here to vent and see what other people who have done what I’ve done and how they have dealt with it emotionally and what I’d anything I can do to work this out because that’s the only thing I want in the world. Thanks for reading and I hope I can get some tips/advice.

Hello Kreem, welcome to Marriage Builders. Separation is a divorce tactic, not a recovery tactic. Separation makes it more likely you will end up divorced. Obviously, you can't fix a marriage if you are separated. Most marriage counselors are pro-divorce, not pro-marriage. They do not know how to save marriages. That being said, your wife has every right to get a divorce if she chooses.

If you are trying to save your marriage, you need to demonstrate to her that something like this will happen again. You would need to fully affair proof your marriage and eliminate the conditions that led to the affair. Otherwise, you are not a safe person for her.

Obviously, the first step would be ending all contact with the OW, including never working at the same company again. That is the most critical first step.

I will post the checklist below that was created by Dr Bill Harley in Surviving an Affair. [who really does save marriages after affairs] His approach in saving marriages after an affair is completely different from traditional marriage counselors. There are 2 steps: a) affair proof the marriage and b) create a romantic relationship.

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

When was the last time you saw the OW? Do you still work with her? Is she married? If so, has her husband been informed of the affair?

I haven’t seen or spoken to the OW in 3 weeks. We no longer work together either. I have changed my phone number and have removed myself from social media so she cannot contact me on any of those either. I was having a conversation with my wife earlier and she really wants/me to show that I have self control and has requested that in an attempt to prove how dedicated I am to doing all I can to prove to her that I’m being the lying cheating husband by doing things like quitting smoking cigarettes after I’m done with my current pack. I’m assuming that’s to show her that I actually do have self control and that I am willing to do whatever it takes. She is really struggling with the idea that she will never be able to get the images of me and this OW out of her head and I don’t know how to reassure her that it will take a lot of time but we/she can past that hopefully. I love her so much and can’t stand the thought of not being with her and that I am willing to go to the moon and back to prove that to her.

Do you still work at the same place as the OW? Is she married?

Will your wife come here and speak to us? We have a plan that would affair proof your marriage and help you create a happy relationship. As long as those 2 things happen, those bad memories will be replaced with a great marriage. If you don't do those things, the memories won't go away. But we can help with that.

I have no worked with the OW in 8 months and I will
Ask my wife if she would be willing to come into the forum and the OW is not married

What avenues did you use to carry on your affair? Did you meet at hotels, her place? How did you communicate?

How close do you live to this OW?

Have you been tested for STD/STI?

Hey Brian! I used the most deceptive avenues I knew at the time. It started with texting then moved to signal app which deletes messages every 10 min. At first it stared in the car in the morning before we went into work then as things progressed it moved to hotels and then moved to her place. This OW lives approximately 30 min away and yes her and I were both tested for STD and the results were negative. I should also add that I’ve been habitually lying to my wife for years and have recently been telling her the absolute truth about everything.

How did your BW find out?

What have you been lying about?

She found Messages on my phone and then I admitted to the affair which felt great because I was no longer able to live with the lies and the deception and her finding out was a huge weight off my shoulders.
The better question I think is what wasn’t I lying about unfortunately. I am a recovering addict and would lie about my whereabouts when I was out using. I would lie about the drugs or the amount of drinks I had.

Do you still work at the same place? Does she live close to you?

Why did you go to hotels if the OW is single?


What have you lied to her about? Is this your first affair?

When was the last time you drank or used drugs? What type of treatment have you been through?

I haven’t used in a couple of weeks and I see a therapist and go to AA / NA meetings.

Is your therapist a male or female? Are they your sponsor as well?

Do you go to all male meetings?

Thanks, can you answer my other questions? And are you married?

My therapist is a women and I go to one meeting a day sometimes two if time permits.

Yes I am married but headed for separation. And I haven’t used in a couple of week's.

Is this your first affair? And how come you and the OW used a hotel and not her residence?

Yes first and last and used a hotel because she has children.