I'm new to this forum and am navigating a difficult time with my spouse of fifteen years. I believe my wife had an affair over the past year. She's been overly protective of her phone/tablet, disabled location services, always browsing in private, has secret email and facebook accounts all of which, in my mind, are red flags. Further, she asked to visit a longtime male friend from out of town that had an overnight layover a couple hours from our home. On two of the three occasions, these visits involved spending the night in his hotel room. As she stated, she wanted to be able to have some drinks and didn't want to worry about driving home. Adding some clarity to this for purposes of receiving fair and reasonable guidance... She's known this male friend for over 25 years, she says she has never been romantically involved with him and he's a perpetual bachelor. Further, I have only met this person on a couple of brief occasions and have never developed any type of friendship/relationship with him, he is purely her friend.... Question number one: Would you permit this in your marriage?

As I mentioned, two of the three nights involved overnight stays. The first night, I didn't hear from her at all until the next morning when she felt compelled to send me a photo of her friend in bed waking up... I saw no need for this and it ultimately raised the question of "What is she hiding that she felt compelled to send this picture without making contact with me at all prior to sending it?". I felt like she was going to extraordinary lengths to try to prove she was there with him which was totally unnecessary as I gave her no resistance when she initially asked to go. The second visit was similar in that I didn't hear from her at all until the next morning when she was outside having a cigarette. I started feeling like she was up to something so on the third trip which didn't involve an overnight stay, I was more vigilant about her behavior prior to departure. Most notably, we both smoke cigarettes and it has always been our morning routine to sit on our deck with coffee and smoke. This morning was totally different in that, she didn't smoke at all the whole morning before I left for work which in our twenty years together, she has never done. Our security system takes video/photos when the system is armed/disarmed. I viewed and downloaded the images of her arming the system before she left. When she arrived home, she was wearing a different shirt, a black one. She went to get changed and I asked her to show me the clothes she wore that day and she showed me a black shirt and pants. I then showed her the image from our security system showing her wearing a purple shirt and I asked where it was. She responded that she didn't have a purple shirt (which I knew she did) and that the image was overexposed from the security system. Now, there is no way this image could have been overexposed changing a black shirt to purple as it clearly showed the black pants she was wearing as black and next, there was a purple jacket hanging on a chair in the picture that, you guessed it, showed up in the image as purple. I posted the image in a photography forum and was told undoubtedly the shirt was purple and no possible way it was black. I told her about it and she told me I was crazy as she ripped the security camera off the wall and threw it across the room.

These incidents occurred between October of 2019 and February 2020 (third "visit"). Fast forward to today as we've been contemplating the future of the marriage. I told her I believe she used her friend as an alibi. I further told her I need her to come clean and tell me the truth about her affair. She still maintains her innocence and she said I'm making mountains out of nothing and that I should put everything behind me and we should move forward with our marriage. I told her that I can't without knowing the truth including the name of the person and more importantly proof that whatever she had going on is over and will never happen again. She won't admit to anything and insists that I'm making a big deal over nothing. I asked her to show me her emails and facebook accounts and she refused.

Am I overreacting? Is there no cause for concern? What's the general consensus on this?

Welcome to MB.

I'm sure you know that this behaviour is not acceptable in a marriage. What do you intend to do about it?

Thank you!

I know it is not acceptable however wife claims nothing she did was wrong and claims her personal therapist says the same so I'm seeking a sanity check. I really don't know what to do next, she wants me to forget all of my "crazy" notions and move forward in the marriage. I told her I don't trust her and need closure on this before attempting to move forward but she won't budge and insists she wasn't unfaithful. With covid being in play, I'm certain nothing physical has occurred since February however I can't say the same about communication. My first inclination is to just end the marriage and file for a fault-based divorce which is still a valid option in my State which is costly but leaves her having to prove she wasn't unfaithful.

Do you have spyware on all of her devices?

A VAR in her vehicle or where she might talk to him?

I don't have anything. I spoke to a lawyer and he told me that in my State, spyware and tracking devices won't hold up in court unless she knows about them.

But you don't need to present them in court. You use them to gather evidence that satisfies you, that you can use to end the affair. While you attempt to end the affair, you decide whether to attempt to repair the marriage or to divorce.

This has nothing to do with presenting evidence in court. This has to do with your finding out the true state of your marriage.

Sorry I went silent on this, life got in the way. Nevertheless, over the past month she's all but admitted to an affair up to "we met but nothing happened". We all know that's not true! Anyway, she said nothing was going on any longer which of course, I don't believe. Would appreciate some private messages on the best tools to use to get to the bottom of my situation so I can file and move on. Since the pandemic started, I've determined the only way she's communicating is via webmail (yahoo and possibly others) on an ipad in safari private mode and via a secret facebook account that I don't know the name of. I've seen some of the spyware available for ipad and can't tell which is best or even legit for that matter. Any help is appreciated.

So the advice would be the same, snoop on her and get the goods. Once you get the goods, come back here and we will help you with next steps.

I would look into webwatcher and see what they have. They are a reputable company that some of us have used. https://www.webwatcher.com/amp/?gcl...V9OW65VhaMu5pz1mm18SJ0d4oMRoCbDkQAvD_BwE