I have been reading the post here for a few weeks, and am finally ready to post if there are some kind souls out there willing to hear my story and offer help.<BR>I found out 7 weeks ago that my husband had a affair. Of course he thought O/W was the love of his life and was willing to leave me and 3 great kids, almost 19 years of marriage for the sl**. They have now quit seeing each other, but are remaning friends. Though last week he was not her friend and this week he is. One day he is loving and flirty and the next day I have the plauge. He is out of the house, staying with his parents. I was ready to divorce him the first week, that is why he is gone. I wonder where it went wrong, thought we both have not been meeting each other needs for a long time. The O/W is younger of course, and was his secretary until he promoted her to Human Resourse. Can you believe a area manager had sex with his employee relations person. Though he says they can not be fired because he is not her immediate supervisor, he is still her boss. But anyway, first week divorce, second week trying to work it out, husband and O/W agree not to have sex while we are working it out. I go to office to pay bill where husband works and I was confronted by employees of rumors going around about my husband and O/W. Look on my face tells all and he is blaming me about the rumors. That night she breaks off with him and he blames me. Next week they are friends but only talk on phone. He shakes when he is in the house and blames me for root causes of the problem. now for the last couple of weeks one day it is perfect between us and next he says he cannot stay at his parents forever and after the new year he needs to look for his own place. Now he is house sitting her house while she is out of town. He says that he needed to have a place to go to instead of hanging out at bars until he feels he can go home to mommy. She is out of town, but I can not believe he is there, but I guess telling me is honest. He is not talking to me today because I told him the kids are tired of him being a dad one and the other he is not. I am losing my mind and my soul, I still love this man, and want to work this out. I am in therapy, but he went once and will not go. Any advice out there.

I can't write for long because I'm at work... but here's my advice:<P><B>DO NOT RUSH INTO DIVORCE</B><P>I will write more later. Check out my profile by hitting the sunglasses. I've been where you are, and where he is. <P>I'm sorry for your pain and confusion. Infidelity is really ugly. <P>I'll be back later...<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

my3kids:<P>I am sorry to not have the time to give you that you require and need, but felt there should be <B>something</B> posted to you. Since you have been here for a while, I will assume you know about all of Dr Harley’s Basic Concepts. If not, read <B>everything</B> on this website you can; there’s some wonderful ideas here.<P>Even if your H cannot currently meet you halfway(or even take a step towards you), you can do your best to eliminate LoveBusters, and get a start on Plan A. Talk to your counselor for the best ways to implement that to your situation. Also, search back a bit for posts from “<B>K</B>,” as he is by far and away the greatest advocate of the methods you will find here. His advice is generally right on.<P>I have personally read a lot about repairing marriages in the aftermath of an affair (and I was the betrayer... same boat as your H... “<I>love of my life,” “soulmate</I>”and all that dreck), but have yet to see anything that makes as much universal sense as Dr Harley’s methods. I may not agree with <B>everything</B> here, but the vast majority of it just makes <B>sense,</B> and how can we argue with success? <P>Good luck, and I’ll try to get back to you as soon as I am able! <P><p>[This message has been edited by WhoDat (edited November 12, 1999).]

my3kids --<P>First, I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. So many others like you (us?) are here because we need to talk with other people who can relate. You're at the right place.<P>If you haven't check some of Harley's stuff from the homepage, go there. It's really helpful, and quite often accurate. Check other threads, particularlly those about "discovery", "confronting the OP", and "breaking contact with OP". The last one -- breaking all contact -- is a key one.<P>Next, don't let yourself go into a kneejerk reaction. The fact that you suggested divorce -- right or wrong -- must have been that immediate, emotional response. Read about lovebusters (LB's). Your response may have been considered a strong enough LB to drive him toward the OW. Be careful.<P>Next, there's two sides to every story. We only see our side. Try to see his. It sucks, I know, but see if you can justify what he did and why. Affairs are a reaction, not a cause. What drove you guys apart and how did the OW fill that gap.<P>You also have to decide if you are committed to rebuilding. If you are, it won't be easy, but you both have a common goal. You'll both have doubts. You'll want answers that he can't (or won't) give you. You'll want an apology that never comes. You'll try to be nice and attentive, and find it's met with anger and hostility.<P>BUT, DON'T GIVE UP. IF YOU BOTH WANT IT TO WORK, YOU CAN PROBABLY DO IT.<P>Stay positive, use this forum (even if to find somebody to vent to), and don't use his co-workers as pawns in the battle. <P>Stand proud since you're not alone. <P>-- keystone

Welcome! <P>You've already been given the best advice.<BR>Don't rush into anything, don't love bust. Read the books, this website. The Q&A section is good. <BR>The only advice I can offer is, Read! Work on you and making your self open to your emotions. When you know who you are and what you are feeling, you will know who he is. I had closed my heart to h and thought I didn't need emotional love. Just a "family". When I found out about my h affair, I realized I truly needed him and his love. It was heartbreaking! It took him getting his needs met elsewhere for me to realize I needed him. But when I opened my heart to the fact that I did want and need him, I felt his pain and understood how it happened. I lurked here for years, thinking this would never happen to me. Then when it happened it took a few months for me to post here. Advance warning, somedays this site has been my saving grace and some days, it depressed me more. I would read of all the struggles and just think I can't do this! But then I would read a success story and get a renewed sense of energy! Fortunately I am on my way to being a success story. 2 months back together in recovery. NOt perfect, yes there are days when I can't believe we were going through what we went through a few months ago, and then there are days it was like yesterday. So hang in there. The beginning and the unknown is the hardest. I have 3 kids as well, they are young and didn't see alot. Please protect them if you can. Not from reality, but from hurtful words and anger. Don't bad mouth either party in front of them. Show them strength and courage and what it means to be a mature adult and what it means to work at something without fighting and accusing. I know all that is easier said than done, especially if other partner doesn't feel the same. My h only seperated twice and it was for only a few days at a time. 4 days being the longest and they thought I was a my moms to help her, she had just hurt her eye. I don't know your kids ages. If they are older, let them know even married people aren't perfect, there are problems. <BR>I gotta' go... I will check back later.<BR>Hang On it usually gets worse before better and it is truly like a roller coaster ride.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Mater<P>

Oops...<P>One more thing. Check with fellow poster "Susan" who posts here. She comes from a position similar to your H's. It really is interesting to see things from "the other side". It will also allow you to understand how hard it is to cut ties to the OP, even when you have the incentive to do so.<P>Chin up!

Hi there<P>I'm just about at the same stage as you, both with my H and internet usage!! I found out about H affair with girl at work about 3 months ago, stayed for 1 month trying to make it work, got no response from him, no answers, no commitment, so moved to Brisbane to be with my family. Distance helped me to deal with 'it'. I couldn't live in the same city as him, having him come round for 10 mins every night to see the children (4 & 18 mths) and then going off to her.<BR>I asked questions and got no answers (still don't) and have had to try and work through this on my own. But I am doing it. This site is just amazing, both with Dr Harleys information and this forum. I have got so many answers, and settled so many demons within myself from just being here. Our marriage problem was basically that he works too hard and we didn't have enough time for each other. I made a life for myself in Sydney (where we were transferred to), he had his work and that was that. We must have just drifted apart. He then went back to Melb for a new job, met the OW (at work) and that was basically that !!! I was devastated. I knew that things weren't too crash hot, but I HAD NO IDEA of the depth of his feelings. He really let me down by not sharing his feelings with me, and giving me the opportunity to work things out with him.<BR>I am at the stage now where I am trying to give him love, support and encouragement to 'find' himself, with absolutely nothing coming back, which is so damn hard, but I'm still hanging in there. I'm not proud of what I did yesterday - the biggest love buster of all time. I rang the OW and let her know that we had made love on one of his visits to Brisbane. I guess I wanted to inflict a little bit of hurt myself. I also rang OW mother, Can't believe I did that!!!<BR>I think the mother thought we had separated before her daughter got together with my H, well she knows better now !!! I shouldn't get satisfaction from hurting the mother, she had nothing to do with this, but I guess it hurts the OW. I am only human !!!<BR>I have no idea where this sad and sorry saga is going to end, or when it is going to end but it helps so much to have this forum to chat. I can just imagine all my friends (who have been just fantastic and so supportive) getting a bit sick and tired of me if I didn't have this forum to vent on.<BR>Everyone seems to be here for everyone - it's wonderful. We all understand.<BR>I hope you have a lovely day, and keep in touch.<BR>Jo<BR>

Thank you so much for taking the time to offer me advice. My kids ages are 17, 15 and 11. My oldest one is a senior and she is angry that her dad is ruining her senior year with this mess. I have read everything here, the book surviving an affair and his needs her needs. I would have given up by now if not for the books. Our marriage seemed story book, girl scouts, boy scouts, volunteering at school. My husband truly is the love of my life and I know that I took him for granted. He said he just gave and gave and it was never enough. He has now been promoted to area manager. I have stayed home with the kids, even though financally it would have been easier if I would have worked part time, but he traveled so much and worked long hours so much the last couple of years it would have been hard. I see now that I did start my own life with volunteering, friends ect because he was gone so much. He is picking our son up tonight to take him to a birthday party and he probably will not come it and even say Hi to me. It hurts so bad. He is trying he says, but he needs time and space. The therapist says that I am trying to fix things too quick and he is not ready to give me what I need yet. He also says that it does not matter if O/W gets a divorce or stays with her husband that he is going to try to make this work for us. He says he feels nothing for me right now. But our sex is still great. Our 19 anniversary was this week and he stopped by and we had great sex. He came to me, I did not call. He said he wanted to do something for me. Then the next day he is kinda mad at me. It is a roller coaster right now. The kids want him home, I want him home. I miss him and I am lonely.

my3kids,<P>First, regarding the relationship between your H and OW<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>They have now quit seeing each other, but are <B>remaning friends</B>. (highlight mine)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> They cannot remain friends. Period. But you probably realize that. I have had a HUGE lesson in this during the last week. It cannot happen if you two are to work things out. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I am losing my mind and my soul<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You may <B>feel</B> like you are losing them, but you aren't. Right now it hurts like hell... but TIME, TIME, TIME... that's what it takes.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I am in therapy<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Good! Keep it up. YOu need to take care of YOU right now. He won't go. That's okay right now. You need a safe place to vent, to discuss, to cry. Plus, no matter what ends up happening, the affair was a symptom of a bigger problem, and you can work on things alone once you realize your part of the marital problem. <B>That is not to say you are to blame at all for his choice to stray</B>, but it is to say that you will have some issues to work out. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>The therapist says that I am trying to fix things too quick<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Nope. Don't think so. But I will say that it may be too soon to expect him to give back his heart. He's gotta do the withdrawl thing (blech!) and WANT to come back to you. I think you may have rushed him to get out, but you probably realize that too.<P>Remember, you don't have to push the divorce, sign the papers. You have 19 years into this marriage. Isn't it worth giving it some time to heal?? <P>It is a roller coaster right now<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

I really LB on the phone yesterday to him. He told me he had no place to take the kids since he did not have a home and I told him he had a home here. Well I guess he does not if he is not ready to come home. Tonight we just got through talking and he said it does not look good between us. I keep trying to tell him what to do, the therapist says I like to control things, well I guess I did a good job yesterday. We had a great couple of days and today he says he just about at the end of his lease.(sp) I want to change the things that I did to drive him to her, sometimes I am not sure when I do it. He says it is just the way I am and I cannot change. I said if I felt more secure I would not be like this. Then his cell phone went dead because he is out of the area. So now we can not finish our talk. Thanks to everyone for their support, I will need it to stay strong to get him back.