I’ve been reading some new and old posts over the past week. I wish I’d read some of these a lot earlier on in the separation.
I apologise for my abreviations, I will try my best.

I also hope this is in the right thread, I’m new to this forum thing.

My story so far, about 6-8 weeks ago my w (33F) told me she is unhappy.

We’ve been together 9 years and M almost 5 of those and we have a 3 yr old S together. In my eyes it has always been a great time together, there has never been any violence or abuse, almost no arguments.

Our time as parents did not begin well, I was diagnosed with a brain tumour 5 weeks after our S was born. It was benign and I had it removed 3 months later. I am now tumour free, this would have put a strain on our MR.

Me (41M) can’t understand why. First she said that the joy had gone from us.
I will say this year I personally be a lot busier and stressed at work and I admit that our QT and SL has not been the same.

After our recent COVID lockdown quarantine she has been going out with friends a lot more. All this group of friends are single.
She has started drinking more, buying new clothes that she would’ve worn in her 20s.
She also has been very distant with her family and friends.

We tried to talk about things and both went to seperate therapy sessions.
We went to one therapy session together but she wasn’t very open to going to more.

I begrudgingly agreed to seperate as I didn’t think they workout, and take turn about for a week living in our family home separately with our S for consistency.
Naturally I did all the “usual small amount of begging, sending flowers etc.”

Around 4 weeks into the separation my W told me ILYBNILWY. And that there is no chance of reconciliation.
She has it in her mind to completely seperate and sell our family home. She has also started to purchase items for her new apartment.
I have a feeling she still cares, she messages me occasionally and messages to family about birthdays.

I recently had minor surgery and she offered and followed through with taking me to hospital.
It feels like there are so many mixed signals but it feels like she has also made up her mind to leave.

We are in contact via texting, mainly about our S.

Next week we are going to seperate our finances and organise a a formal separation agreement.

Is it a MLC or WAS/affair?

I really don’t know where I stand or what I can do...if anything?

Welcome to MB.

Do you have any spyware on her devices and a GPS and VAR on her vehicle? You need to rule out an affair. It definitely sounds like all the signs of an affair. Have you checked her phone records to see if there are any numbers that she has a lot of activity?

Do not separate if you want to save your marriage.

Do not tell your W about this place. Quietly snoop and find out what is going on.

Have you read up on Plan A or anything on Surviving an Affair?

Thanks Brain

The thought of an affair had crossed my mind. What I don’t understand is that she has been hurt in the past from a previous partner cheating on her, why is she is having and affair? She knows how painful it is.

Unfortunately I can’t access her phone records to see if there were any particular numbers she frequently called as we are on separate plans.

We have also already separated and no longer live together. This was not my idea. I was very against separation.

I haven’t read either, where would I find them?

Welcome to MB.

It looks very much as if your wife has recently met someone and is in an affair. It's likely that the separate therapy was not aimed at building your marriage, in the way that the Marriage Builders programme is aimed. In her therapy sessions she was encouraged to explore what was making her unhappy, and to extricate herself from the unhappiness - and the source of her unhappiness was identified as being her marriage. Individual therapists usually do not care whether marriage as a way of life is better for individuals, their children, and society as a whole, and so if the marriage is seen to making the person unhappy, the solution is to get out of it.

In other words, her therapy gave her the means to coax you gently into accepting the breakdown of your marriage. First it was pitched as a trial separation that would be good for both of you and allow both of you to think and breathe, and then, after a suitable period of time, the goal is now to persuade you that you are better off separated and the marriage should end. The therapist might not even know that your wife is having an affair, and if he/she does know, they might well argue that this is irrelevant to the breakdown of the marriage. For your wife, therapy is the best thing that could have happened to her affair.

The problem now is that you have been persuaded to move out. I don't know the legalities of the "nesting" arrangement and whether this allows you to move back in at will. I can see your wife using legal means to get you out of the house if you simply did not leave after your next visit. I think you should seek urgent advice from a lawyer about your rights in that matter.

Your having separated also affects the legalities of spying on her. If you can't get hold of her phone, normally you could still install a listening device into your own bedroom and your own car, if it is shared, and a keylogging device onto your own PC or laptop that she might use. We've had many a spouse find exactly what they need without getting hold of a phone. However, you need to make sure that any spyware that you install is onto devices that are just as much yours as hers.

The best thing, though would be to instruct a private investigator, and he or she would probably get evidence of an affair within a day, since your wife is separated from you and feels free to do what she wants. She probably meets her new man on her weeks off as well as at your house on her weeks at home.

In other words, you'll need to be pro-active and work quickly to find evidence of the affair she is undoubtedly having. After that, your goal would be to expose it (with guidance from us), but I don't hold out a lot of hope, I'm sorry to say, since arguably you accepted the end of the marriage by moving out.

Where does she stay on her week away from the house?

I second SugarCane’s suggestion of a PI. Can you hire a PI?

Thanks Sugar/brain

I had not thought of the Individual therapy doing such a thing. I did find it very strange for her to go to therapy and then come home and tell me that it was the outcome of her session. It blew my mind.

PI are not utilised much here in NZ.

She stays with her mother.

Update:
W and I met today to swap living arrangements for our week on week off with S in family home.
I kept conversation to her about house and S and talked about our finances as we are going to the bank to sort it out on Tuesday.

We were cordial and friendly. As W was leaving S wanted W to to give me a hug. We hugged and I held on maybe a little too long. So hard to let go.

Went into the house and spent time with our S and then my emotions got the better of me.
Today has been a very hard day, very much a day of one step forward 2/3 steps back.

To make things worse I did a little snooping around her wardrobe/drawers and found some lingerie I had never seen before today. This confirms for me that if she doesn’t have OM then she is most definitely looking for one.

Not sure how to proceed from here? I know I have to Get a life and start looking after myself more but I am almost ready to throw in the towel on our M?

Did you read the advice given above? It was not to "get a life," but to start snooping, hire a PI and get legal advice ASAP. Moving out of your house was a grave mistake that makes it harder to save your marriage. The only thing helped by moving out is the affair. Your job right now is to get evidence of the affair and to try and get back into your home. Moving out was a dreadful decision that works against you.

I thought that since you posted on a forum you must be looking for help, but perhaps I should not have assumed that. If you want to throw the towel in on your marriage, you don't need advice to do that. But if you want to see whether anything can save your marriage, you need not to be dismissive of our suggestions.

Does "PIs are not much utilised here in NZ" mean that they don't exist there at all? If they don't, what can you do to find out whether she is having an affair?