I have just found the MB site and am hopeful that my husband and I can take the steps to a better marriage.  There are many things going on, from my withdrawal and a general lack of respect, annoying behaviors and not meeting each others emotional needs. 
The most pressing (at least for my husband) would be my severe aversion to sex.  This stems from a combination of bitter resentment on my part for his lack of or ackowlegement of my emotional needs not having been met for many years AND a physical pain for me.  It actually hurts me very badly. I am working on the pain part, by making an appt with my doctor to figure out what is wrong, and other self help steps to alleviate pain but my husband either, 1) doesnt believe there is a physical pain, or 2) doesnt care, as long as I have sex. My resentment builds from my thinking, 'how can he want (or rather insist) on having sex when he knows it hurts me? 

My aversion is at a stage where any touch from him (groping, grabbing or otherwise)  is revolting to me.  I have long accepted that sex may forever be painful for me, and at first this was hard to grapple with b/c I very much enjoyed sex in the past (prior to marriage). I am ashamed, embarrased and guilt ridden that I cant provide this for my husband.

We do have sex, rarely, and its when I finally feel guilty and give in. It is painful for me, and I usually retreat quickly to take pain relievers and withdrawal from him emotionally and physically afterwards. It gives me great anxiety when I can sense he wants sex and I pull every tactic to avoid it as long as possible.  At this point in our marriage he is extremely frustrated, angry and hates me (he has said this) b/c he cant stand that I was able to do this in past relationships and he feels jilted out of a sex life. I dont blame him. 
I read Dr. Harleys steps on how to overcome this aversion and will try it, but I guess I am polling the audience to gauge if it worked for you?

Thank you

Welcome to MB.I'm sorry to hear that you've been enduring such a terrible situation.

I think your thread title is wrong. The problem in your marriage is not your sexual aversion, it's the fact that your husband does not care that you suffer pain during intercourse. No loving spouse would EVER want to get his pleasure at the expense of your pain. We should never be the cause of our spouse's pain.

This indicates a greater problem with his lack of care for you more generally. I'd say that this in the fundamental problem in your marriage.

How long have you been married? Do you have any kids - how old?

Will this be the first doctor's investigation you've had for the source of the physical pain?

Thank you for your reply. I agree that my husbands lack of care and empathy for my pain is very concerning. And I have often wondered this myself, but we just keep going through this vicious cycle of my holding off as long as I can without having sex and he begging for it. As I said earlier, I finally give in (in part just to shut him up) and because of the extreme guilt I feel. I believe the reason he doesn't take it seriously is because he feels it is psychological, therefore he's not really hurting me. I don't know what he thinks of my reason, and I guess he doesn't have to, b/c ultimately, we end up having sex.

Our history is a little unique - we were married before (to each other) for 6 years, divorced for 6 years and have been remarried now 15 years. We have two grown children, in their late 20's.

I mentioned to my gyn doctor my discomfort / pain when it first started, many years ago, and she suggested that perhaps I was having dryness and recommended lubrication. I was so embarrassed and ashamed, I've never mentioned it to my doctor again.

So yes, we've been dealing with this for many years.

Well, the techniques that Dr Harley writes about to overcome sexual aversion need your husband to implement them. You can't overcome your aversion on your own. But the other problem is that Dr Harley never intended for those techniques to be used in the face of pain. The pain needs to be investigated and cured, but the pain itself itself isn't causing the aversion - the aversion is being caused by your husband's cruelty about the situation.

There are ways for a couple to enjoy sexual fulfilment when intercourse isn't possible. There are couples who face problems such as paralysis who learn new techniques to fulfil each other. Now, we don't tend to discuss sexual techniques on this board, and there must be boards that you can find that look at ways to work around physical impairments.

What we do discuss on this forum is love and care, and from what you've written about the other problems in your marriage, you might not be in love with each other, and your husband certainly isn't showing you the extraordinary care that he should.

You can't do Marriage Builders and have a fulfilling, romantic marriage without getting him on board. You can't arrive at that position by appeasing him about sex and putting up with pain.

You've read the sexual aversion article. Have you read much else on here, such as the basic concepts, and the section on love busters? Would you be willing to try and get your husband to read on the site with you?

Dr Harley's approach would transform your marriage if only you both used it. Would your husband be willing to embark on a programme of education with you, starting by reading the free articles here?