Canadien; you have been advised to STOP TALKING TO HER ABOUT THE AFFAIR. The only digging you should be doing is via spyware on her phone THAT SHE DOES NOT KNOW ABOUT. My hunch is that the affair is still active especially as she is trying to blackmail you. That is a red flag. Nobody can force you to do a proper exposure and see this fellow off but do not be surprised if one day she simply walks out on you taking her son with her.

Hello there Living_well;
Can you list what motivation OM have for pursuing my Wife? He is a married men with two daughters; Last Year, He kept insisting that he became emotionally detached from his wife, and wanted to reignite that fire in his mariage by doing activity with us; Yet, it only became about him and my wife.

My wife kept insisting that he is a great person and has great understanding of what woman want and need; If true than would it not imply that he would have that much stronger marriage and relation with his own wife?

He was doing all the things highlighted in Plan A; Yet, he was doing it to my wife and not his Own wife; The Question I keep pondering is why you would put so much effort in another person who is not married to you while your marriage is dying.

I have a clear intention to save my marriage and do Recovery work with my wife; So, I will have to put in the work with my wife and get through this together with her; What would I achieve by going to another woman? Is there some core understanding I am missing of why someone would go to another woman?

Every single word out of the mouth of someone having an affair is a lie. Adultery is the ultimate deceit. Why did they do it? Because they could. A man typically is looking for some side action whilst a woman more typically is looking for a replacement.

If I had to guess, your OM is a typical player and your wife is probably not his first affair. When your wife got pregnant, she was probably expecting him to leave his wife for her. When he did not, the sperm donor story was concocted by them both to cover up the pregnancy. But he may well have told her to be patient. You would know if you were monitoring her communications.


If your wife has not given you access to her phone/computer, that tells you that they are in touch and that the affair is active. I would give her an ultimatum. Either she stops sneaking around or she leaves. There is no recovery possible until the affair is well and truly over. You deserve better than this.

“If I had to guess, your OM is a typical player and your wife is probably not his first affair. When your wife got pregnant, she was probably expecting him to leave his wife for her. When he did not, the sperm donor story was concocted by them both to cover up the pregnancy. But he may well have told her to be patient. You would know if you were monitoring her communications.”


My wife was trying to make the OM better and save his marriage according to her; as he was still talking to his girlfriend from college days and his colleague from work was sharing problem about her husband. I kept telling my wife that OM can not change and he will continue to do this, yet she was insistent that she can change him.

They were planning never to tell me about the son, and live in the fantasy where I would join for all the vacations and family get together. she told me herself when she confessed that we never though that you find out;

At that time, my wife defence was about great experiences we had together with OM and how much help and favours he has done for us. She was totally in limerence with the OM. Their plans failed when I started to make noise. Right now the OM can not safely stay in contact with my wife, and my wife is trying to protect him.

My wife and OM did all that because they were safe in their fantasy for 2 years; and now the fantasy has turned into torture. And I can sense that my wife feels very guilty about the whole thing.

Would you recommend to stop asking question for recovery to start?

Recovery will not start until you have broken up the affair. Everything you write suggests that the affair is ongoing. Of course you must stop asking questions. You are only going to be fed lies so what would be the point?

Your two weapons are exposure (which means telling everyone in both families the full story) and spyware on her devices so that you can secretly monitor her communications with him. If she has locked her phone you know the affair is still active. If she had nothing to hide she would be happy to leave it unlocked.

You are letting her bully you, women do not respect doormats.

Hello there Guys;
So Yesterday she protested when I asked her to reinstall the GPS Tracker; She gave me hissy fit over it;

So Today, I Called her Father from India; and he said that is totally unacceptable behavior from her; He will give her a talk and ask why her own Husband can not track her; He says he has a secret information that will make her do what is required; He is in total support of what I am trying to do and wants me to report back any deviation that I notice; He is asking to keep this information within family.

Now, I am wondering what is such a critical information he is referring to that will make her do what is required; What do you guys think of this?

Right Now, I am doing following that I read in another thread: I need to plan and execute very well to be effective:

Mr. Hyde: When (if) she balks, protests, or deviates from the process, you bring out the whip, the rack, the tazer, and the thumbscrews. "There can be no hope of recovery as long as you're not fully committed", and "I had hopes you realized how important these things were to me (in recovering from your abject and heartless betrayal of your wedding vows.)"

What do you guys think is the Right Action Plan?

So the affair is still active. Tracker is pointless, she can simply leave the phone somewhere when she wants to see OM. Stop wasting your time. You need key logging software on her phone to monitor her communications without her knowledge. If she knows you are able to read what she writes, she will get a second burner phone. Cheaters all do that.

Why are you asking her father to do your job for you?

The path you are taking right now will lead you to heartbreak. You will never get her back this way. Your broken marriage will limp along with you hating one another a little more each day. It sounds as if the rest of your joint family already hate her. Eventually she will leave anyway taking her child and you will be left alone having wasted your best years caring for someone else's child with a woman who does not love you.

Here is what I would do. Sit her down. Tell her that she either agrees to 100% transparency which means no locked devices or you send her home to her father. Tell her she can take her child but needs to understand that you will not be paying child support because the child is not yours and that everyone will be told. Her alternative is to allow you to legally adopt the child and leave without him. This might bring her to her senses especially if her immigration into Canada depends on your sponsorship.

Hello there Everybody;
I needed your feedback on fulfilling the Emotional Need without triggering a Love Buster and add point in to Lovebank.

So, when my wife was pregnant the OM used to buy her expensive Herbal multivitamins and get her healthy stuff to eat that was expensive; She says this made the baby healthy when he was born and has all theses great characteristics that are brought out because of that; Yet, when I try to do the same she gets triggered and start saying that we should be saving money for the house and why are you wasting your money.
Even OM who I thought was my best friend kept giving me lecture about saving money and trying to be Frugal with money and how much struggle he had to go through when he bought his first house;

How do I get over this love buster of living in duality? If OM buys something expensive than its a great gesture and fulfilling her need while if I do the same than I am not good with money; She says I should learn where to use the money more effectively. On other instance, she would get angry if I buy her something expensive on her Birthday but she would be full of Joy if the OM bought something for her.

How do I release from this Deadlock situation where I effectively get in trouble if I try to meet her need; and to give overview we are making around $100K in salary Together and Money is not an issue for us,

Did she ever write a NC letter?

Have you absolutely confirmed no contact? If so, how have you confirmed that? If her love bank is still open to OM, it is going to be almost impossible for you to fill hers. That's why you need to confirm NC. Has her father talked to her yet?

Hello there Guys;
So after my last post about getting her dad to talk to her about Tracking and NC policy; I decided to have talk myself following day as I asked the father to wait until I asked her properly and made sure if she was comfortable with Total Honesty; She got triggered really bad right away and said she starts going into Trauma whenever I mention Tracking and wants me to avoid that topic completely if we want to improve our relationship.

She had a Job interview for promotion and we have Diwali Festival this weekend.

So, I have asked her father to hold off confronting her about Tracking and NC policy with the OM because we have Diwali festival this week; I will ask him to contact her next week as I got my answer 100% without doubt and it seems she takes her father seriously without getting Triggered.

What can I do about the Wall she has created around me, and how she gets triggered any time I talk about Marriage Builder Program or any other ways to improve our Relation; She get triggered really bad fast; Is this her way of escaping shame?


Is it good idea to use her father as the Mediator and a person who can bring some sense into her without getting dramatic? Her father is assuring me that there will be no Drama when she talks to him; It will be straight talk.

When will you be telling your wife's father that his daughter had a physical affair and that 'your child' is the result? He cannot do anything useful for you until he knows the truth.

His role is not to be mediator, it is to be one of a number of people who will put pressure on your wife to end the affair.

They already know this information regarding my son and what led to this outcome; and they are in full support of what I am doing right now.

They understand the error made by their daughter and want us to lose all contact with OM family; her parents call everyday to talk to my son and her Father has a very strong connection with my wife.

Her father is saying that I will have to loosen up a bit and not get tense too much as she is on the offensive; the OM will drop from our life but there is gone be great resentment from my wife.

He says in a marriage one partner has to stay calm and wither a storm and thats my role right now; he is asking me to keep a watch out on my wife and report any discrepancy from day to day. He will talk to her about things that are triggering her to lose her composer.

He says he has been observing and analysing every move my wife has made and he will help me restore the marriage anď make things right.

Here is what you wrote earlier


That is NOT exposure. You have no idea what the 'anonymous source' said to them. For all you know, he may have given them the pathetic lies about a sperm donor. You cannot make progress on getting no contact until you tell everyone what happened. I understand that there is shame involved but you will have to choose between shame and saving your marriage.

Enforcing no contact requires those around you, especially OMW to know the entire truth from you personally. Is your wife still hitting you? They need to know that too.

I am contacting and laying out full details to her parents.
They are talking to me on weekly basis to follow up on how things are progressing and where they can help.

My wife loses her temerment if I talk in front of her, so her father is getting a full scoop from my side and calling her privately to resolve the matter, he says this will be more safe communication method as he can go straight to hard talk and get her plan of action to separate from OM and how we are working to improve our interaction with each other.

Her father is saying that attachment to the OM must be really strong for her to take such a big risk, and it will take some time to get over the OM.

He has asked me to be cool headed while she is on the offensive to diffuse the situation; he says things will start to change soon and give her some time to resolve her conflict with losing OM.

Well done


Does she still hit you? If so, this is domestic abuse and you cannot allow it to happen. You need to call the police immediately. Do not warn her that you will do this. Victims of domestic abuse generally blame themselves but normal people never behave like this. You cannot allow it to continue.


That is not what we believe here at Marriage Builders. All cheaters ask for 'some time'. Completely meaningless.

If her attachment to OM is still strong then they are probably still in contact. You need to rule this out. We have asked multiple times, but you need to put spyware in place WITHOUT her knowing about it.

Have you put spyware in place yet?

The Contact has gone underground as she is aware that I put VAR on previous Occasion, so they will not talk when she is in our Car; She even gave me her phone last week and told me to put whatever Spyware I desire; So, two weapons I used to catch them last time have been subdued. She is also disconnecting GPS from the charging port, So I can not track her movements like how I previously caught her going to OM job.

She is also gas lighting me about accident I had in my home where I hit my head six months ago; She says I am not the same person since than and something is wrong with me.

Now, my VAR has data corrupted and is not working anymore; Do you guys have any other suggestion?
She keeps telling me to stop talking about tracker and Spying as that Triggers her and completely derails our recovery; Do you guys have any suggestion to get more peace and clarity on this? What’s your tip regarding this matter?

Why on earth are you talking to her about the tracker and spyware? We keep telling you not to.


This tells you that the affair is still very much alive. Recovery does not start until the affair is over.


You are not going to get peace and clarity until the affair is over. Right now you should get in touch with OMW and get her help in tracking them. She can put a VAR and tracker in the car OM uses. As you now know, secrecy is very important, she needs to not tip them off that she is doing this. You might also want to consider hiring a private investigator to follow her for a couple of days.

Please remind us: why do you want to save this marriage?
I have asked this question before, but without clear answer.
It would be perfectly reasonable to decide against it.

Hello guys, so I want to understand this scenario better and what it means.

Her defence is I abandoned her and neglected her for all this years; she meets OM and they share great connection together, he even has a child to fulfill her desperate need for a baby.


Now, I ask her about where my place in this relationship as since last year she admits that I have changed radically and pay more attention to her needs.

I demand that OM is occupying my place and he has to go; whats wrong with this demand?

Shouldn't she know that for healthy marriage u can not have a leech hanging around?

She keeps talking about all the favors OM did for us; and she repays all favors in full according to her and she does not abandon good friends like how I do.

So, if the OM stays in our life and keeps doing the favors than how do I get to the marriage recovery?

She completely blanks out when I ask her about what led her to believe that it was OK for OM to replace me; she either hits me or starts talking about past negligence I did.

How do I get an answer without her talking about past to make me look like a bad guy? How do I get her to Now moment.