Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 24 of 32 1 2 22 23 24 25 26 31 32
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 789
Likes: 4
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 789
Likes: 4
Your brother's specs were pretty good, if I remember correctly. Do you think he wants to be your IM again?

Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 380
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 380
Hi Goody

He was a good IM but got fed up after a few weeks and just forwarded the emails as he said there was too much to go through and shorten.

I am too embarrassed to ask him again.



Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,788
Likes: 2
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,788
Likes: 2
Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
Hi Goody

He was a good IM but got fed up after a few weeks and just forwarded the emails as he said there was too much to go through and shorten.

I am too embarrassed to ask him again.

Don't be embarrassed, that's what brothers are for. Anyway, this time it will be different. Once you are in legal proceedings he is not allowed to pester you even through your intermediary. If he tries, you will get an injunction against him. As you are asking for supervised visitations, there will be no 'come and collect DD' messages. Judge will come down on him very hard if he tries to contact you directly.

This is going to be very different.


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 380
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 380
Still hard. Terrible anxiety at night. Go through emotional waves of feeling abandoned, then relief and then sometimes that I havnt woken up from a nightmare.

My mum and sis came over today which was hard again. My sister makes snide comments all the time about me getting married (she knows that was an issue) mum is extremely nosy about what’s going on with BF and I. Concerned mum I know but she is a gossip and chews the fat about it to the neighbour, cleaner and various family members.

Made a point of not telling them anything as it usually comes back to bite me. That’s hard though as I don’t feel like I have their support.

I have a good friend who is supporting me, she is happily married in a very functional relationship. She thinks I have had a lot of patience and that he has so many chances and to move on now.

I feel so bad for the children, my DD woke up this morning and asked if Daddy was going to help decorate the tree. It breaks my heart. She is such a dear sweet thing, she deserves so much more.


Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 380
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 380
BF has kids today.

I have been ok actually, and life isn’t so bad separated from him!


Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 9,574
Likes: 1
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 9,574
Likes: 1
Cool the telling him about rehab is for you, so you can finally see he is not serious about getting better. You had kept questioning yourself before and no one wants to see you in that loop. Especially not your kids. If you can’t say it maybe you can put it in a letter or text. That this is how you would know he is serious about protecting you and the kids. There is a reason you are afraid to ask him to protect you. Like you said it makes him want to go harder on saying you are crazy. Why do you want a man who wants to make you feel crazy when you make concrete steps to plan for your protection?


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 380
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 380
Originally Posted by NewEveryDay
Cool the telling him about rehab is for you, so you can finally see he is not serious about getting better. You had kept questioning yourself before and no one wants to see you in that loop. Especially not your kids. If you can’t say it maybe you can put it in a letter or text. That this is how you would know he is serious about protecting you and the kids. There is a reason you are afraid to ask him to protect you. Like you said it makes him want to go harder on saying you are crazy. Why do you want a man who wants to make you feel crazy when you make concrete steps to plan for your protection?

Thanks New,

I am not sure what you mean about the same loop? Also the reason why I am afraid to ask him to protect me?

BF is avoiding me and not speaking to me. He has put me in Plan B! He sent me a text Friday asking me to get the kids to call him and I didn’t. I was annoyed he lied about taking drugs,

Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,547
Likes: 9
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,547
Likes: 9
CB - the loop is the endless cycle where you wonder why he does not push to get you back, why you aren't on his social media, why he seems happy to live alone, why he isn't pushing for marriage, and whether you deserve better, what would become of the kids if you end the relationship for good, being glad that he took you out on the boat and you had a nice time, being glad when he appears to be sober for days, then doubting everything all over again when he is moody and withdrawn. You doubt whether you should issue an ultimatum about drink and drugs, because if he fails it, could you actually live without him?....and on and on, over and over.

I'm not disparaging you for this because I know why you do it and I've done it myself. Your love for your children makes it hard for you to contemplate making a decision that you will never live with BF again -a decision that will have a profound impact on their lives, for ever. I grew up as the child of divorced parents, and because of the financial hardship and also - much worse - the emotional derangement that it caused to my mother, with horrifying effects for us children, I did all I could to avoid taking a decision to divorce when all the chaos was going on in my marriage. The greater difficulty for you than I faced is that BF has not taken any steps to end the chaos in your relationship and punishes you when you try to address it - which leads us to NED's second point.

If you can convey the non-negotiable requirement for him to go to rehab, and if he accepts it, you will know that he is serious about protecting you and the kids.

Now, he might not be willing to accept the requirement, and thus you will have your answer about whether to sustain the relationship. But you can't get an answer if you won't even state the requirement; face-to-face or in a letter.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 380
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 380
Thank you Sugar

Yes ok I get what you mean about the loop, and yes I have had enough. I am tired and the stress on my body of the loop is taking its toll.

My biggest issue is that there is something more going on with BF, some underlying mental issue. We have had many conversations of late where things have started to come out. Like he was a troubled teen in prison a couple of times in his late twenties. That he went through many tests to check for various mental health problems and nothing was detected. That he gave up drinking for 6 years in his twenties as he got into so much trouble and so out of hand. When I started seeing him 9 years ago he was seeing a therapist for anger issues. He was forced to go and see someone by his best friend.

He is in complete denial at the moment. He denies ever taking drugs and denies he has a drink problem. It is actually shocking how he completely denied the drugs even though the evidence was there?! I mean who even does that?!

So I will talk to him, and tell him that he need to go to rehab. I am not scared of losing the family anymore. I have kind of come to terms that this may be the outcome. The kids and I just fine the three of us. I always remember my parents divorce and the worst thing was my mum moving on so quickly.

I am afraid that even without the drugs and drink that this is just his personality and this as good as it gets.

Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 380
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 380
Thank you for being here. You are a life line.

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,152
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,152
You may appreciate tho following posts from an MB Thread long ago, because I think they apply to your situation as well:

Last edited by happyheart; 12/02/20 04:10 AM.

me, DH
all the children
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 380
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 380
Thank you HH.

I am so sick of this guys frown

I just don’t know how I can ever move on from all of this.

What he has put me and the children through, for his own selfish purposes. This whole exercise has been a complete period of cake eating.

I am just too checked out to instigate another conversation with him.

I will follow the guidelines you have given me here.

So I will try and instigate a chat with him. Honestly I am not sure I want to give him that pleasure that I am still fighting for us.

It’s like dealing with a small child.

Last edited by Coolbeginnings; 12/02/20 11:34 AM.
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 380
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 380
I have read all afternoon about different mental health cases.

For me BF definetly sits in the borderline personality disorder, which would explain a huge amount to me. So when I am warm and caring, he opens up and is fine. Any criticism or anger he pulls away. Also the whole thing about having a wonderful evening with him and then the next day pulls away all makes a lot more sense.

Saw him tonight, he is dropping the kids off in the drive and not coming in the house. I have still been put in Plan B by him!

Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 380
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 380
Morning

Spinning round in my head about talking to him.

I just don’t feel like there is any point. I feel like I am on a path
of healing being away from him and I can envisage a peaceful
Future for me and the kids.

I am also not sure I can deal with anymore rejection. I am also not sure that he is ever going to improve. If he is capable of causing the kids and I so much pain how is our life going to look like?

Reading lots about BPD and it all makes so much sense. I love you I hate and how they get close and everything is wonderful then they push you away.

Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 380
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 380
Yes and the biggest fear that he won’t take plans to protect the kids and by getting help and that’s the biggest hurt of all.

Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 380
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 380
How do I approach this with him please?

Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 789
Likes: 4
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 789
Likes: 4
Originally Posted by living_well
Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
I have told him I will not continue the relationship unless he gets help for his drinking and taking drugs.

Did you make it clear that it has to be rehab?

Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
His response was bizarrely ‘I totally agree. It is always the blame game with you. Let me know when I can have the children.

You have conditioned him to think that he can play you. If you want to change the dance, change your steps. Do not let him know when he can have the children. Next thing he receives is a solicitor's letter (see below)

Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
I am now In Plan B and I plan to move on.

He is going to get quite a shock when he realises you are serious. You need a red-meat solicitor who will debone him. Ask for the moon; sole residency of the house till youngest is 18, sole custody on the basis of his drug and alcohol addiction, supervised visitations only, lots of child support etc. I don't know how this all works outside marriage but there must be a way. Be very, very aggressive. Throw the book at him. He could be so shocked at the change that he agrees to rehab. DO NOT BACK DOWN. Your court action only ends after he has done rehab and has been clean for a year and only if you still want him back. Maybe not even then.

Do you have your intermediary lined up?
How about this. Plan, get your IM in place and write the plan B letter in which you include rehab. Rehab is not negotionable, for the safety of your children.

Don't tell him during a conversation, if he knows how to play you. Take the steering wheel firm in your own hands, you set the course. If he wants to ride along, make sure he knows what the requirements are. Don't wait for him to do something you react on, but make your plan and act accordingly. Protect yourself from making your old mistakes, don't let him play you.

Talking to/with him never got you the results you wanted, he moved a bit with you and then steered to his own route again. Strategize, plan, implement.

Did you read the thread of Chalk&Cheese? She really took control of the situation and did very well.

Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 380
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 380
Originally Posted by goody2shoes
Did you read the thread of Chalk&Cheese? She really took control of the situation and did very well.

I have her read her thread before, what a woman!! Makes me look like a complete wet blanket.


Last edited by Coolbeginnings; 12/03/20 05:58 AM.
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 789
Likes: 4
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 789
Likes: 4
She was played by her husband for years before she took the wheel.

How is your support network? I this happened to my sister, I'd be there and support her.

Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 380
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 380
Originally Posted by goody2shoes
She was played by her husband for years before she took the wheel.

How is your support network? I this happened to my sister, I'd be there and support her.

Better thanks Goody.

I have one great friend, who is in a functional healthy marriage and she has been great support. I have 2 older sisters, and 1 is completely there for me. I guess the only thing I find is that everyone has a different opinion when you open upto them so i try only to do it to those 2 people. My mum is 76, and is worried I know, but I am trying to protect her.

Page 24 of 32 1 2 22 23 24 25 26 31 32

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 109 guests, and 49 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Rjack, russelltonya, arielwilson, Debby Woman, Comfortable Shoe
71,850 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 2024, Marriage Builders, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5