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And after the solicitor please look into online Al-Anon meetings. You’re still on the roller coaster and that what plan B will help you get off of. You can get a good sponsor you can call day or night to help you refocus on doing the next right thing and stop focusing on what is he doing and what does it mean. Your life and your kids lives are going to get and stay stable from your actions so that’s where to keep your focus.


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Thank you Living Well.

I have worked out why he is saying that he has moved to the office. He is doing exactly the same as last time we went into lockdown, he is using it as an excuse to come and see the children here rather than have them at his house.

I am astonished that any person would go to these lengths to manipulate the situation instead of just coming clean and owning up to his mistakes. It must be exhausting!

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Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
Thank you Living Well.
I am astonished that any person would go to these lengths to manipulate the situation instead of just coming clean and owning up to his mistakes. It must be exhausting!

"Oh what a tangled web we weave/When first we practice to deceive"

My XH was clever, interesting and very talented. He was also a manipulator. It was a coping mechanism. His father had ignored him and his mother had neglected him. He claimed to have no memory of his childhood. The bits and pieces that I got were from his sister. Owning up to your mistakes takes self belief. My XH could do that briefly when caught but within a few days he would have fabricated a different story that turned him back into the victim.

He was never able to manipulate me because I had had a manipulating adoptive mother and could see through all the tricks.


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I have lost any hope to turn this situation around.

There are too many issues, and with what he has to offer now it would be a miserable future.

I find him such a humiliating partner does that make sense? I find this whole ordeal completely humiliating in front of everyone. At this stage of my life mid 40s most of not all of my friends are sorted. Yes they have issues but none as bad as this.

I feel nothing for him. For a few weeks now I have never felt so flat, not depressed just flat. All his techniques worked on me before, but now they don’t. I did feel sorry for him before, but now I don’t. Mainly just anger and disbelief that he has put the children and I through this debacle.

If he won’t even admit to taking the drugs, he is hardly going to admit to going to rehab? I have sort of accepted it’s over and keep my head down and just plough.

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One other thing I forgot to mention. I was chatting to one of the football managers wives asked if everything is ok with BF? I told her we were no longer together but she said I must share something with you. My husband was asking if BF was ok as he appeared drunk and behaving oddly at the Sunday morning football match.

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BF has sent a message asking if he can come to the house for a few hours Christmas morning.

I am not sure how to handle this one. The kids will want to see him Christmas Day. So do I drop them off at his office for a few hours Christmas Day?

I am not even sure where is?! He said he was at the office but could have gone back to his house?

Help.

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Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
BF has sent a message asking if he can come to the house for a few hours Christmas morning.

I am not sure how to handle this one. The kids will want to see him Christmas Day. So do I drop them off at his office for a few hours Christmas Day?

I am not even sure where is?! He said he was at the office but could have gone back to his house?

Help.

You need to control the agenda. Talk to the children. Their response may surprise you. Then, through your brother, you tell him where you are going to drop them off/pick them up and when.

In future do not wait for him to ask. Tell him when they will visit and for how long, also where you will drop off/pickup. Make Saturday mornings (or whatever you decide) a weekly routine. That will annoy him and will read well in the court.

How are you doing with setting up a meeting with your solicitor? You need to be the one to control that agenda too.


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This is hard.

So sent over a schedule to BF for over Christmas holidays, he has come back and said that actually he is happy to not see them Christmas Day and just see them Boxing Day.

I am happy with that.

Had a scene this morning. BF came to the house to pick up kids and DS is saying that he didn’t want to go. DD said I want to see Daddy but I don’t want to stay at his house. I encouraged DS to go but he cried saying he really didn’t want to. He always does this. So I told him I am not getting in between him and Daddy and he would have to tell him himself. When BF pulled up on the drive DS told him. DS came back indoors. Then DD said that she didn’t want to sleep at BFs house she wanted to come home tonight.

What a disaster. It will be much easier when they are at school.

IM also told me that BF has informed them that he is having some hospital treatment and biopsy for skin cancer. Oh wow he is really scraping the barrel. IM told me this as it may affect the schedule.

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On this side of the ocean, non-essential care is being canceled. In some cases,it even includes chemotherapy. I wouldn't be surprised if it's just an excuse. If it affects the schedule, he can hire a sitter. Or he just make the appointment on days you have the children. Can your IM turn the firewall up 2 notches and not mention the skin cancer scheme? Only (if necessary) "BF would like to reschedule Jan 5th, is Jan 7th possible?"

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Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
Had a scene this morning. BF came to the house to pick up kids and DS is saying that he didn’t want to go. DD said I want to see Daddy but I don’t want to stay at his house. I encouraged DS to go but he cried saying he really didn’t want to. He always does this. So I told him I am not getting in between him and Daddy and he would have to tell him himself. When BF pulled up on the drive DS told him. DS came back indoors. Then DD said that she didn’t want to sleep at BFs house she wanted to come home tonight..

The more pressure you put on him the better. He needs to feel really uncomfortable. He is not going to address his issues until he has no other choice. Even if the relationship does not survive, he needs to dry out and get clean.


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Originally Posted by goody2shoes
On this side of the ocean, non-essential care is being canceled. In some cases,it even includes chemotherapy. I wouldn't be surprised if it's just an excuse. If it affects the schedule, he can hire a sitter. Or he just make the appointment on days you have the children. Can your IM turn the firewall up 2 notches and not mention the skin cancer scheme? Only (if necessary) "BF would like to reschedule Jan 5th, is Jan 7th possible?"

Thanks Goody. Will tell IM to crank up the firewall. I know it is just another measure for me to feel sorry for him.

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Originally Posted by living_well
Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
Had a scene this morning. BF came to the house to pick up kids and DS is saying that he didn’t want to go. DD said I want to see Daddy but I don’t want to stay at his house. I encouraged DS to go but he cried saying he really didn’t want to. He always does this. So I told him I am not getting in between him and Daddy and he would have to tell him himself. When BF pulled up on the drive DS told him. DS came back indoors. Then DD said that she didn’t want to sleep at BFs house she wanted to come home tonight..

The more pressure you put on him the better. He needs to feel really uncomfortable. He is not going to address his issues until he has no other choice. Even if the relationship does not survive, he needs to dry out and get clean.

Thank you LW.

I get the impression that he is feeling a lot of pressure. I have had tears, tantrums and pity party. Please tell me what he would have to do for me to know that he is serious about change / rehab? Last time he turned up on the doorstep crying and saying he was devastated.

I am feeling the pressure too. I am ok, and have a nice day tomorrow planned with Mum and Step Dad, but I really just want it to be over frown

I still feel so much anger towards him. I can’t see myself being able to forgive him.


Last edited by Coolbeginnings; 12/24/20 04:38 AM.
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Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
Please tell me what he would have to do for me to know that he is serious about change / rehab?

He is an addict. An addict cannot just change. Nobody chooses to be an addict.

You will know he is serious when he goes into rehab and stays the course followed by both outpatient therapy and AA. You will know it worked when he is still clean after a year.

Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
I still feel so much anger towards him. I can’t see myself being able to forgive him.

Take each day as it comes.


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I made it through Christmas it went really well.

I was fine in the morning it was quiet and relaxed just the children and I. Felt calmer than I had in years, I have always been on high alert.

In the afternoon I started to feel I incredibly guilty about BF not seeing children on Christmas Day.

DS got upset about not seeing Dad on Christmas Day just before bed.

Kids went off to Dads this morning. I hid in house. This is not difficult in Plan B as I don’t want to see him or have anything to do with him. He makes me sick for what he has put us all through. He came round the side of the house and I could hear him laughing really loudly. Look at how happy I am!!!

Literally all my close girlfriends were phoning me before Christmas. I know it’s because BF is posting like mad on social media (he did this last time) about how wonderful life is. I can’t see it, but people will be picking up on the fact we have broken up.

One of BF best friends text me about taking kids Christmas presents to BF house. What a kick in the teeth. Sure he was put up to it by BF.




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He has only been gone 2 hours

First thing is getting his BF to text me. The second thing is now my DS is FaceTime about 10 times from BF house. He has obviously got him a new iPhone or something (great). I ignored it. How awful to ignore your own son.

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Maybe when you see the kids you can talk about what kind of calls you will take. Maybe FaceTime is okay if it’s in another room? Or he can call you a regular call. So you’re not ignoring him.


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Thank you NED.

I would prefer not to have FaceTime calls with DS when he is at BF house. After all they haven’t seen Dad for a few days and i prefer to shut off when they have the time with Dad.


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Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
Thank you NED.

I would prefer not to have FaceTime calls with DS when he is at BF house. After all they haven’t seen Dad for a few days and i prefer to shut off when they have the time with Dad.

I have FaceTime disabled on my phone. Glad Christmas worked. Things will get better from here


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Thanks Living Well.

I turned off FaceTime on my phone, so DS can text me. When he is here I just tell him he can have his phone for set times and if he wants to FaceTime Dad to do it in his room.

So on DS phone there are loads of videos taken from Boxing Day at Dads. DD showed me one of the videos and it is BF at 2pm laying asleep on the sofa with the football on. He was clearly hungover. So he gets one day with his kids over Christmas and lays on the sofa in a coma sleeping off a hangover. Nice. I bet that image didn’t go on his social media.

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Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
DD showed me one of the videos and it is BF at 2pm laying asleep on the sofa with the football on. He was clearly hungover. So he gets one day with his kids over Christmas and lays on the sofa in a coma sleeping off a hangover. Nice. I bet that image didn’t go on his social media.

This needs t be added to the evidence your solicitor will take to the court. How are you doing with the custody order by the way?


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