Sorry for being so long. My wife and I have been married for 21 years. I meet her when she was 19 I was 24 She was 2 months pregnant when we meet. He took off and wasn't in our Childs life. We got married and I adopted the baby. For 16 years I was the bread winner she stayed home and took care of our 3 kids. No affairs, no cheating. I had 2 businesses and I had a problem which was betting on the horses and poker. I got in trouble for check kitting and had to serve 12 months, I couldn't believe what I had done to destroy our family. Well after 3 months of me being gone she told me that she wanted a divorce, I was so devastated it killed me inside on how could I possible do something like this. When I got back and got situated and got my own place we talked and she has had a few boyfriends so at that time I knew or so I thought it was over so I filed the divorce. In the meantime the boyfriends didn't work out. And we got back together, and didn't go through with the divorce. It has been extremely hard the times we been back together, she is now very dry, I can't tell her how I feel without it starting a fight, I can't kiss her, hug her, nothing. We barely have sex, no matter what I say or do I get put down. There has been a few times she had hit me and I did nothing but bring up someway of how I felt. Our adult son told her no matter what dad does he is always wrong. Now the past few months, she has a few new male friends, she goes out with them and I am not allowed to go except every once in a while she allows me to go. They call her all day, text her all day. 2 nights before Xmas she went and picked one of them up and went out and I wasn't asked to go. Another time there was about 8 of them male and females who went out and again I wasn't invited and she didn't come home until 5:30 in the morning. There was a time I was allowed to go and I just had this gut feeling with one of the guys that something was off but I kept my mouth shut. She post all kinds of stuff on social media and I am never included in the pictures, people call me and ask me whey does she post pictures with other guys and not you. She said they are just friends and no matter what I say I am always wrong regardless. I am a emotional wreck. There would be times the days are good then when I get home she leaves and goes out. I really don't have no one to talk to about this. I love her and our family with everything in my heart and soul and we spent half our lives together. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Welcome to MB and sorry for what has brought you here.

Do you have access to her devices? You need to find out what is going on.

No I sure don’t.

There seem to be a lot of problems here. Does she, or you for that matter have an alcohol problem?

No alcohol problems or drugs of any kind.

Can you hire a PI?

Welcome to MB.

It looks very much as if she has moved on from your marriage and is living her own life. I can't see anything that shows that she has wanted to be with you for a long time. What do you want to do about that?

How did you get back together? It doesn't sound as if she wanted you back, so why did she do it?

No too me its getting to the point of just giving up.

SugerCane,

Honestly it just kind of happened we went out to eat too talk and then it just kinda of happened. I really don't know know how or why she wanted me back. I am thinking she was trying due to the kids.

I am totally lost and dont know how to handle it. I hate too just leave as I am been hoping she would come back down to reality.

If I understand correctly, you had a gambling addiction and then went to jail for some kind of financial fraud. Each one of those issues alone would have had a terrible effect on your marriage. You say you've been hoping she would "come back down to reality", but the problems you caused ARE her reality. Why and how would she just "come back down" and get over them?

Most of your post concerning the problems you face today are about your needs and your feelings. What did you do, once you got back together, to focus on her needs and feelings? You say "I can't tell her how I feel without it starting a fight"; what have you done to find out how she feels and why she is behaving the way she is?

What happens when you try to find out how she feels?

Do you ever make suggestions for rebuilding the romance in your marriage? Do you ever ask her out on dates?

Are you still gambling?

How is your financial position today? Do you fully support the family?

I am not asking her to just get over them.

It just starts a fight whenever I start saying how I feel towards her.

I always ask to go on dates and do things but instead of going she goes with her friends instead of me.

And No Gambling what so ever and yes I fully support them.

Are you saying that you absolutely cannot, at a time when the kids are not around, engage her in conversation about why your marriage is the way it is and ask her why she does not want to spend time with you?

Can you give us an example of what happens when you start saying how you feel about her? How does this turn into a fight?

It’s just when it’s me and her. And she says when I ask about us I am just pushing her away

Have you read Dr Harley’s Basic Concepts

Not yet but I definitely will.