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Also completely screws my Plan B. BF will get more time with the kids now as he will have to homeschool them. Sorry to be mean but I kind of liked the fact that he was now seeing some of the consequences of his addictions.

Ever since we split up last January he has never really gone without seeing the children.

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Rang alert!!!

I am feeling so angry and furious that we are all in this position because of him. I feel so let down. Things are starting to go wrong with the house and it’s hard now homeschooling, working, looking after house, being mother. All my friends have husbands who are there for them I feel downright sorry for myself. House is going to pot things are getting run down and broken.

When DS came yesterday BF had written a note in his book to me, it was about some joke about me taking a video of sons face when he finds out he is being homeschooled. I really want to respond you just crack on and enjoy your batchelor coke pad you useless piece of a££ and leave us alone.

He even pulled up outside school on his motorbike back in December and later said I saw your friend Kylie looking at me. My god looking at you like her worst nightmare I imagine!!! She has a husband who loves and adores her makes her feel safe and secure ! Are you so deluded about yourself??? You are every woman’s worse nightmare. She probably looks at you with horror.

The problem is he has spent his whole life being a bully walking all over people with no one who actually stands up to him.

Last edited by Coolbeginnings; 01/05/21 06:55 AM.
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I can’t help wandering how deluded he is about himself. I know his mother attempted suicide when he was about 7 after his Dad left them. I found out from his best friend that his mother ‘killed him with kindness’ when he was growing up. Which basically meant she never put him in his place and taught him right from wrong.

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Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
Also completely screws my Plan B. BF will get more time with the kids now as he will have to homeschool them. Sorry to be mean but I kind of liked the fact that he was now seeing some of the consequences of his addictions.

Ever since we split up last January he has never really gone without seeing the children.

You need to make a plan. It needs dates, actions and priority rankings. For example, your Zoom meeting with the solicitor will need to come before home school scheduling which needs to come before replacing the washer on the kitchen tap. Type it up and put it in a place where you will see it as you brush your teeth in the morning. Once you have a plan, you will be at peace. You will get through this.


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Thanks LW.

I have put a timetable together for the next 5 weeks and I ultimately feel much calmer.

BF picked kids up today from house, and he was 10 minutes early. I was working in the office, and he got out of the car and could hardly walk and was hobbling. He was actually crying(I think I am not sure) it was unbelievable. He was on the drive staring through the door window looking for me, I went to the bedroom and hid. This is exactly what happened before. I stayed in the bedroom and 10 minutes later he left.

Last edited by Coolbeginnings; 01/06/21 12:23 PM.
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I am not good at this at all. Kids were with BF last night, I pick them up at 330pm then back to his tomorrow at 330pm for the weekend. The tears flowed this morning. The horrific reality of breaking up from the father of your children. Why anyone would want this life is beyond me. I have had no choice unless I wanted to stay with a drug taking, abusive alchoholic. He had a choice.

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The object of Plan B is to force the wayward spouse to choose between his family and his addiction. In most cases the choice is between family and the addiction of an affair, in your case it is family and the addiction of drink and drugs. For a while you have allowed BF to think he can have both. So the dragon has grown.

Of course you had to make him choose.

He could still choose his family by going into rehab. You might decide not to take him back afterwards but it would still be of benefit to your children to have a functional father.


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Originally Posted by living_well
For a while you have allowed BF to think he can have both. So the dragon has grown.

Of course you had to make him choose.

I had no other choice, I couldn’t do that cycle again.

Kids left at 330pm. It is the first weekend they have spent at his house since BF has left. Can you believe that? He has cake eaten for a whole year. DS played up massively before he left. He also said that he did not want to go for 2 nights.

I was dreading the kids leaving and I feel so sad and incredibly guilty for them that they are having to do this. Also they are asking a lot of questions about mum and dad, and starting to realise that we might not get back together. They asked if we would be going skiing together as a family? I said that I doubt that will happen. I could do with some guidance here on how to handle this?

I ended up snooping on his Instagram account and found a very flirtatious comment he put on some very young woman’s half naked picture. It kind of made me crash and burn, and discovered the date was around that weekend he went all cold on me end of November. Made me realise that all this isn’t just about his drugs and alchohol it is also about his desire to have part of him as single and trolling about. Feel a fool.

However, it did confirm I have made the right decision. I cried a lot yesterday, mainly doing a lot of grieving and coming to terms with fact I want to move on. I could never be in a relationship with BF the way he is. I can hardly look at him. I feel so embarrassed about how he as behaved and so much anger for how he has messed us all about. Last night was exhausted and flopped on the sofa.

Late last night a request came through from IM asking for him to pop round and get the kids bikes. I told the IM to respond by saying that the bikes were to remain at the house. Starting to enforce boundaries with BF and he needs to accept his new reality. Think he continues to test me to see if he still has a foot in the door.

Today I am getting out in the fresh air and getting ready for DD birthday on Monday. She is going to be 7 hardly believe that!

Last edited by Coolbeginnings; 01/09/21 05:37 AM.
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If they miss skiing maybe there is another family member you all can go with after all this COVID mess. I get the taking a look at insta to confirm what you kind of knew . But now at this point it would be kinder to yourself to stop looking. You don’t need it to make sense now in order to make the right decisions. It’s when you’re away from it longer that it will make more sense. Have you looked into al-anon? There are phone and zoom meetings and you can get a sponsor. Working the 12 steps will get your emotional sobriety strong and you will see what that would look like from your bf so you can stay strong and not take him back before the miracle happens.


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And someone will have a recommendation of a good solicitor who will keep things calm and advocate for you and your kids fairly and firmly.


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Thank you New. Funnily enough spoke to my sister today and she said when this whole Covid nightmare is over she will come on holiday with the kids and I. I will also look into online AA meetings.

Kids back today. It’s been a bit of a torturous weekend if I am honest. Yesterday I went out to get DD birthday pressies I got her the cutest pink bike!

On way back from shops driving down my road I passed BF and and children in car. When I got back to the house the alarm had been set so BF had clearly been in the house.
The locks have been changed but I have hidden a new spare key in the garden. DS knows about the spare key so must have got it out for BF.

I sent a message to IM asking him to inform BF it was completely unacceptable for him to come in the house and I am changing the alarm code. Also that he needs to supply his own stuff at his house rather than asking me for goalie gloves, football boots, bikes ect....He can well afford to go out and buy these things, he has a multi million pound company for god sakes! Just another excuse to poke or check up on what I am up to?

Also how much will it mess with the kids coming back home and me not being there and then seeing me go past in the car. And upsetting for me ofcourse frown

Anyway first weekend done. It was horrific sorry, not just as a one off, but accepting this as my future.

Please pray for a miracle and more.

Last edited by Coolbeginnings; 01/10/21 04:25 AM.
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Predictable behaviour from BF exactly same as before....

Starts off with doing things to get me to capitulate, then gifts, then anger, then pity ploy, then terminal illness, then guilt tripping me with kids. He is running out of options this time?

Accept this time round I am different. This time I see him for what he really is and know that I can’t subject myself to this person as the kids and I deserve so much more. I am not sure I could ever place mine and the kids future in the hands of someone so cruel, dishonest and messed up.

Last edited by Coolbeginnings; 01/10/21 04:43 AM.
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Suppose there are 2 candy machines.
Machine 1 always produces a candy. Every single time. Then it breaks. No more candy. Ever.
The other machine, you have a candy machine where you put your coins in and sometimes you get candy, but other times it gets stuck. Most of the time the stuck item will come out if you pound on the machine a few times, sometimes 100 times, but eventually the machine will spit out your candy.

Now think creatively. You put your money in one of the machines. Nothing happens. Which machine will get pounded on the most?
Exactly.

Every time we cave to abusive peoples tactics, after being strong for longer periods of time, we teach people to persevere, because we will cave eventually.

You are doing great. Remember, he will give up for some time - possibly while spending time pursuing other (love) interests. Then, when you just think you are done, which can leave a person also feeling lonely and unwanted, even when the relationship was less than ideal. At that time, when you feel he has lost interest, wham, he will be back to do some more pounding. It can even be weeks, months or years, having nothing to do makes these people come back for more. Who knows, it may pay off this time.

Most people who are somewhat more on the side of using people to their advantage, have fine antennas when to be nice for a bit when they have gone too far, or what buttons to press to get the relationship moving along again.

Beware, it is hard not to fall for the songs of the syrenes, when you are feeling lonely and somewhat nostalgic. Taking up new activities and interacting with sound families and friends, helps immunize you from the crumbs that he may have for you at this time.


Last edited by happyheart; 01/10/21 04:04 PM.

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Originally Posted by Coolbeginngs
I ended up snooping on his Instagram account and found a very flirtatious comment he put on some very young woman’s half naked picture. It kind of made me crash and burn, and discovered the date was around that weekend he went all cold on me end of November. Made me realise that all this isn’t just about his drugs and alchohol it is also about his desire to have part of him as single and trolling about. Feel a fool.

You need to close these holes. You need to get into a dark Plan B. That’s the only way you will successfully break your addiction to your WBF.


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Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
BF had clearly been in the house.
The locks have been changed but I have hidden a new spare key in the garden. DS knows about the spare key so must have got it out for BF.

You never want to put your children in a position where they are forced to chose between conflicting demands of parents. When I had to change my locks, not only did I not tell my children where I had hidden the spare key but I did not tell them the locks/alarm were changed. I just made sure they had no need to get into the house when I was not home. Would that be possible for you? This is only a temporary situation until you get exclusive use.


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Originally Posted by happyheart
Suppose there are 2 candy machines.
Machine 1 always produces a candy. Every single time. Then it breaks. No more candy. Ever.
The other machine, you have a candy machine where you put your coins in and sometimes you get candy, but other times it gets stuck. Most of the time the stuck item will come out if you pound on the machine a few times, sometimes 100 times, but eventually the machine will spit out your candy.

Now think creatively. You put your money in one of the machines. Nothing happens. Which machine will get pounded on the most?
Exactly.

Every time we cave to abusive peoples tactics, after being strong for longer periods of time, we teach people to persevere, because we will cave eventually.

Thanks you Happy Heart and I love the analogy.

I am actually feeling great and doing good. I love seeing how much happier my kids seem to be on the whole away from the chaotic madness of BF. When DS came home from his weekend with Dad, it takes him at least 2 days to decompress and get him back in the room. He misbehaves and is unbelievably tired, its like he comes back a mini BF. Does that make sense? BF is a good dad that he does lots with the kids but he is so on the go all the time he is really exhausting to be around. Even when you are at home he is still 'on your case'. So really the days at home when its just the kids and I, we are all pretty peaceful and content and we laugh LOTS. There have been some difficult moments/conversations, and I hate having to see them to and fro between 2 houses. They don't like that much either. They also ask a lot of questions - for example will you ever get back together?

I am not feeling inclined to cave at all, and starting to think about a future just us 3 and what that will look like. All the guilt has gone and if anything, I get a bit of satisfaction that he is starting to feel the real impact of losing his family. Is that bad? He has them every Wednesday night, and as its my weekend this weekend, he will have to go 6 days without seeing his kids. Last weekend, he had the kids and I got them back Monday. It was my DD birthday Monday so he didn't see her on her birthday. There are so many huge implications when you are a separated Dad. All the time he has lost with them. It is difficult for me to understand his choice, after all the ball is in his court.

I know BF has been busy pestering IM, but he has been really good and none of it has come through to me. I had a request via IM yesterday about BF being concerned about DS not getting enough football training in and whether in 'my time' BF could take DS out training. My response has been firm - only in your scheduled time. BF always tries to engage me in conversation on drop offs / pick ups.

Thanks for your help getting me to this point.

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Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
BF always tries to engage me in conversation on drop offs / pick ups.
What can you do to close these holes? There’s way too much contact to you for you to being in Plan B.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
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Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I am not sure what else we can do BH?

I have had to change the schedule due to lockdown.

I normally hide in the house if he drops the kids off here, and if they go to his house arrive slightly earlier and park a bit further down the road and watch the kids walk in.

My previous schedule pre lockdown most of the drop offs were at school so no contact at all.

Thankyou

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By the way am feeling amazing lol.

I haven’t felt like this in years.

That’s what Melody said would happen.

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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
BF always tries to engage me in conversation on drop offs / pick ups.
What can you do to close these holes? There’s way too much contact to you for you to being in Plan B.

BH is correct - there should be no opportunity for your bf to try to engage you in conversation. There are always obstacles but they can be overcome, sometimes it's a matter of brainstorming to figure something out.

If you don't plug up Plan B holes, you will be here still hung up in wayward drama for years. Long time posters have seen it over and over again. That's why Brainy is pestering you to close up these holes.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
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