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Joined: Jan 2021
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Arya Offline OP
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Hi All.
I have seen few posts on similar topics.
I need some support. I have been married for 13 years have 2 children aged 11 and 3 years. A month ago recently found out my wife was on cheating on me. I suspected for the last 1 year something was not right. I thought it was the stress of looking the little one and she was struggling with her job and her colleagues. Also she was preparing for the exams as a part of her job and our nuclear family set up in Uk. I put all this to these things. It was her exboyfriend and it looks was going on for 2 years who is in India. She accidentally came in contact 2 years ago that is what she tells me. She was daily on the phone to him on the way to work and after work. Over the last 6 years she added was struggling with work and family life . So I supported in her decision to work 3 days a week. Where as our friends in similar situation where working full time or 4 days.
It looks when she was at home on her non working days and when I was away on weekend with kids activities. She would spend 2 hrs daily on the phone with him. A year ago when we went on a holiday to India sepeartely with kids it looks when she went with my younger one she planned a 2 nights trip with him to a local hill station. She said to me and her parents was going out with school friends and their family. Which I later found it was all a lie.
She has no remorse, blames it on me and she had also transferred him 20 000 pounds our family saving to him over the last 2 years. He was a building contractor and she tells me he promised her to help with building a house in India at a lesser price. She tells me a story his family was struggling due to some court case and the current pandemic. .Which I cannot believe. He is also married with 2 teenage kids. Now my father in law is involved he doesn't know about the sexual affair. The guy has promised to return the money in next 2 to 3 weeks. He says it was my wife who easily offered to help him.
She is angry that her affair has come to light.
We are planning to attend relationship counselling.
I am a bit confused to stay in the relationship or not but I am worried
about the kids. How will they cope if I leave or how do I deal all this things living on my own if I walk out. I am happy to support them . I cannot trust her after all this. 4 weeks ago she said will stop the contact but she still continued. I don't know whether she is still in contact with him.
She says is not in contact but is hard to believe.
I bought the house in her name as it was easy to get mortgage me being self employed but I was paying the mortgage. I used to pay the kids nursery and school fees. I believed her savings was our family savings.
I cannot afford to use solicitors as I don't have much savings to pay them.
I am totally devastated and feeling very depressed of all this.
She is not at all supportive towards me and always has been kind of a bully.
Let me know how can I deal with all this. Many thanks

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Welcome to MB and sorry for what has brought you here.

Have you read Surviving an Affair? Dr. Harley has a plan to kill the affair and to recover from an affair.

Have you exposed the affair? Have you told the OM’s BW (other man’s betrayed wife)?

Have you told your children?



FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Please read Exposure 101 This is the most powerful weapon to help kill the affair and recover your marriage.

You need to have a plan and follow it and this is where you start.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Arya Offline OP
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Thanks BrainHurts. I will buy the book then surviving an affair.
I have no details of OM BW to make contact which is frustrating.
The OM lives in India.

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Arya Offline OP
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Thanks.

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Originally Posted by Arya
Thanks BrainHurts. I will buy the book then surviving an affair.
I have no details of OM BW to make contact which is frustrating.
The OM lives in India.
Have you searched his social media?

Did you read the exposure thread?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I'm sorry for the reasons that brought you to this forum. Have you read Dr. Harley's articles on how to survive an affair? Here's a link to one: https://www.marriagebuilders.com/how-to-survive-an-affair.htm

Marriage or relationship counseling won't do much good at this point, and it may hurt. If you can locate a counselor who follows Marriage Builders principles, then counseling can be helpful. Otherwise, you would probably do best to continue to post here and we will help you.

Dr. Harley has a clear plan that will help you whether or not you decide to stay in the marriage. Either way, he strongly recommends exposure. Here's the link to the Exposure thread https://forum.marriagebuilders.com/...ur-most-powerful-weapon.html#Post2566583

The reason for exposure is to shed the light of day on the affair. It provides accountability for the unfaithful spouse and support for the betrayed spouse. Expose to your children, your parents, your friends. Don't threaten, just do it. Find the OM through social media, if you can and expose the affair to his wife, who could be a great ally in breaking up the affair and keeping them apart.

Meanwhile, you may need antidepressants for a couple of months to help stabilize your emotions. Read on up Plan A. Plan A is being the best husband you can be: no anger or disrespectful judgments.



Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010

Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
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Arya Offline OP
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Hi. Appreciate all the support. I have been busy with work and aldo had to deal with other things in the family.

I am in the process to execute Plan A. I am trying to see if I can get details of OMs wife's details to expose the affair to her . I have difficulty getting acess to his Facebook page .
Meanwhile my WS tends to bring repeatedly while in conversation that I was solely responsible for her affair and she wants to deliberate start an argument. 4 out of 5 I try to avoid but she is constantly trying to trigger arguments. I find it hard to control my self and sometimes cannot stop myself to get draged into arguments. It gets vicious and goes back to finger point all my negative reaction over the past 13 years was responsible for her affair.
Any suggestions how I can handle this. I try to avoid most of the time to get into arguments.
She is very angry at me for exposing the affair to my sister, few of my friends and her parents.
She is just in relationship with me for the sake of kids. She has no remorse and I am not expecting it after I read the book.
Wish I had access to the book and this website 4 weeks ago when this all came to light.

I think she may be still in contact with him on Facebook messenger or WhatsApp. But she keeps deleting the messages or call history.
Any suggestions to retrieve the data and suggestion of a reliable system to record the conversation when she is travelling to work in the car.
Thanks

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Arya Offline OP
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Hi. Appreciate all the support. I have been busy with work and aldo had to deal with other things in the family.

I am in the process to execute Plan A. I am trying to see if I can get details of OMs wife's details to expose the affair to her . I have difficulty getting acess to his Facebook page .
Meanwhile my WS tends to bring repeatedly while in conversation that I was solely responsible for her affair and she wants to deliberate start an argument. 4 out of 5 I try to avoid but she is constantly trying to trigger arguments. I find it hard to control my self and sometimes cannot stop myself to get draged into arguments. It gets vicious and goes back to finger point all my negative reaction over the past 13 years was responsible for her affair.
Any suggestions how I can handle this. I try to avoid most of the time to get into arguments.
She is very angry at me for exposing the affair to my sister, few of my friends and her parents.
She is just in relationship with me for the sake of kids. She has no remorse and I am not expecting it after I read the book.
Wish I had access to the book and this website 4 weeks ago when this all came to light.

I think she may be still in contact with him on Facebook messenger or WhatsApp. But she keeps deleting the messages or call history.
Any suggestions to retrieve the data and suggestion of a reliable system to record the conversation when she is travelling to work in the car.
Thanks

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Have you found information on OM’s BW?

You must not engage in an argument with your WW. Can you walk away to not engage? Have you read Dr. Harley’s plan A information?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Arya Offline OP
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Ok.I Will not get into an argument. I am still in the process to get OMs BW details.

I think she does not want to reconcile and is angry with me I have exposed the affair to my children.

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Originally Posted by Arya
Ok.I Will not get into an argument. I am still in the process to get OMs BW details.

I think she does not want to reconcile and is angry with me I have exposed the affair to my children.
Have you read the exposure thread?

What did your children say?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Hey there Arya;
I am also from India (Gujarat) and going through similar hardship as you.

I caught my wife still in contact with OM after NC was established; I put VAR in my car to catch this deceit; So, does your wife drive a car? if Yes, put a VAR (voice activated recorder) to verify weather she still contacts OM or if she has other things that you are unaware of. The reconciliation is not possible until she continues to contact OM.

Do you have support from your in laws? This is very critical to make her accountable for her actions as she most likely takes her relationship with her parents more seriously.

Do you have a healthy Pro Marriage social circle? This is very important to find allies in your daily life, who support your marriage and you need to drop friends or cousins that encourage affairs.


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Yes. My son did come to know about her affair. I think she has been spending more time with him and manipulates by saying I have been lying.

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Originally Posted by Arya
Yes. My son did come to know about her affair. I think she has been spending more time with him and manipulates by saying I have been lying.
How did he find out about it? Have you talked to him yourself about the affair? What did he say?

Have you read the exposure thread?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Arya Offline OP
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Thanks Canadiaen 74
Any reliable VAR you can suggest.
The issue i am still waiting for the money which I don't will get it back .
I am not sure have the full support from in laws.

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Arya Offline OP
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Hi.i am not sure how to react . Last evening my wife seemed very tearful and then she went talking  for 2 to 3  hrs till midnight . Bringing all my mistakes from past 13 years particularly I was  not emotionally supportive.  She was cherry picking my mistakes and blaming entirely it was I who was responsible for the affair.. She adds  was feeling sad and lost her self in our relationship.  Which I think is not correct.  We drifted in the last 2 years once the affair with the exboyfriend started. She worked part time 3 days a week and when the kids where at school and I was at work. She  instead  concentrating on  her exams that she had to clear was chatting with him on the phone for 3 to 4  hrs
She continues to blame  I was the reason for her affair.
This time I just listened let her again ventilate. I am better at it now do not argue about the affair or bring the affair part into the discussion.
She kind of hinted the money she gave to her ex  in India which was supposed to have been returned by now may take more time or not sure it is coming back.
I asked her in the end what  she wants do about our relationship.  No answer just silence.
I thought this time the remorse or an apology will come but I am not expecting it anyway.
I was not sure how to react. Before I would have just given her a hug and pacified her. 
I wanted to be in charge of the conversation and before it would end up her being shouting and bullying. 
I am feeling foggy and not clear what way I should react.
Will wait for things to come up again in our relationship counselling next week.
Any suggestion how could I handle or what way should I be focusing the discussion.

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Hi Arya,

I think you're trying to run before you can walk. You want to move to the stage where your wife's feelings start to subside, but this won't happen until you've taken the steps to kill the affair. You need to note down every piece of advice you've already been given on this forum and follow each step, exhaustively.

You need to find out this man's family details and you need to give full information about the affair to his wife, including the fact that he conned your wife into giving him a great deal of money. She will not tolerate her husband living with her and being involved with another woman. In many cases on this forum, OM has cut contact with the wayward wife IMMEDIATELY on being threatened with being made homeless by his wife. An OM who lives with his family in India is not interested in ruining his lifestyle to take on the "burden" of your wife and her kids. He is in this for a "bit on the side", and when you and his wife make it clear that he can't have that, he will run like the coward he is.

Once you have convinced his wife that this is an affair, you need to contact OM, tell him to stay away from your wife, and demand your money back. Don't do it before you've spoken to his wife because he will warn her about a crazy husband who is lying about him, and she might not believe you when you later contact her.

You need to expose the fact that this is a sexual affair (and even if it wasn't, you'd still expose the texting affair) to your kids and to both sets of parents. All of these people should be encouraged to tell your wife how her affair affects them, and to get her to end it.

You need to put spyware on your wife's phone and other digital equipment that she uses to contact him. You need to put a VAR in her car, and any rooms where she might speak to him while you are not around. These things need to be done in secret. If she ever finds out that you are spying, she will simply adapt her behaviour accordingly.

How did you find out about the affair in the first place? That might give you some clues about keeping tabs on it now.

See if you can find out details of his court case online. I have no idea what is done in India, but in the UK you can look up basic details of what court cases are being held in what venue. You might be able to find out a detail that allows you to contact someone close to him - or even expose this affair online to his client group.

Assume that your wife is still heavily into the affair and do not discuss OM with her. Trying to convince her that he is scum (to do what he did to his own family as well as to yours) will do no good. Instead, you should listen and try and show sympathy when she talks about the unhappiness that led her to think that an affair was a way out. Apologise when she says you neglected her, never listened to her, never courted her or only showed affection when you wanted sex. The thing is, if you want her to return to your marriage when the affair is over, you need to convince her that you understand how unhappy she was and you will never let that situation develop again.

This isn't about taking blame for the affair, as she wants you to do. You did not have a say in her having an affair, and the only person responsible for it is your wife. In fact, I think she feels cheap and dirty now that the truth about her sexual behaviour has come out, and she is lashing out at you to make herself feel better. However, if you try to correct her point of view (which you can't do), or explain how illogical she is being, you will only humiliate her further, and that is no basis for her to return.

Is she able to contact him when she's at work, using workplace equipment?

You're actually in a relatively good place, with an OM who lives far away and surely cannot see her that often. She can stay in love with the fantasy of him for years, but the chances are that if you can inform his wife and family, he will conclude that a bit of sex every two years is simply not worth the hassle.

Are you in the UK now?



BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.

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