It's pointless and misleading to take a quote that was made first of all by myschae to someone in one thread, that was lifted out of context and used by Mulan in another thread. You really cannot see the context of that advice. I did a search through both Mulan and myschae's posts and I cannot find the thread where the quote originated (from around December 2007).

However, I did know Mulan quite well when she posted here. She was a BW whose husband gradually excluded her from most of his activities, at work and online. He met other women that he thought were more exciting than her after their long stable marriage. When she tried to see what he was doing online, he shut her out. He eventually left her when she would not let him live the independent, affair-ridden life that he wanted. When she posted on that thread that you cite, she was making the point that it was impossible to get a window into his private life because he would not allow it, and that myschae's advice would not have helped her at all.

We do encourage posters to try the recreational activity that their spouse likes, because when both of them enjoy the activity, love bank units are deposited in both accounts. But that's not to say that the reluctant spouse - your wife - should feel under obligation to you, or pressure from you, to do that activity (I know that's not what you suggested), and nor does it mean that you should continue to play it when she tries it, says she doesn't want to do it any more, and is also unhappy about your doing it with or without your cousin. You can see clearly what Dr Harley advises on this by reading the article, and also the relevant section in his book His Needs Her Needs.

I think that most couples on here who do not have young children at home have plenty of “me time”, but those of us who have benefitted from Dr Harley's advice ensure that what we do is with each other's mutual agreement. The mistake is to think that what we do in our "me time" should not affect each other. You are experiencing the consequences of that delusion. Your wife probably thought that marriage would make you more thoughtful and now has no hope for your relationship over a video game which, until you wrote this last post, seemed far more important to you than she is.

If you don't mind my asking, what was the problem that sent you to the counsellor in the first place? Was it only this issue of gaming?

How is it going with persuading your wife to come here and post? I think it would benefit both you and her for her to articulate whether she is happy to join you in gaming, whether that would be with or without your cousin, and whether she would be happy for you to game without her, again, with or without your cousin. This would be part of POJA-ing what you both do in your "me time" - time that would only kick in once you were on course for spending at least 15 hours UA time together per week.

I know it seemed that she wanted the subject of gaming to be gone from your marriage altogether, but it is wrong to draw conclusions based on trying to interpret her anger. It would be much better for the two of you to find out whether there is a problem, what it is, and what solutions can be negotiated that you could both be enthusiastic about - bearing in mind that you want to make the other person happy at the same time as yourself (the principle behind POJA).

If she posts here, please reassure her that we would avoid trying to get her to justify any discomfort that she has. Many of us have found in our own marriages that when one spouse keeps asking why the other does not like something, nothing the uncomfortable spouse says can ever really satisfy. There is never a good enough reason if the first spouse is really out to protect their own interests - as we all are from time to time, especially when our marriages are going badly. On this forum, we've learned to accept that the reluctant spouse's unhappiness is reason enough to abandon a course of action. We do not want to be the source of their unhappiness, and we do not want them to stuff their unhappiness to make us happy. That will result in love bank withdrawals, and therefore will not create romantic love, which is the goal.

An alternative to her posting here would be for you both to compose an email to Dr Harley, which he could address on his daily radio show. (Do you know about this? Have you ever listened to it? It's a fantastic resource.) You could either appear on the show and have a longer discussion with him, or he could simply read out the email and answer it on the show, without your speaking if you don't want to appear for any reason.

Also, please read Beware of Bad Counselors

Well this is it. I have no choice but to divorce. He again chose ME TIME (after having almost 6 hours of it Thursday) all night last night after a fight. Came back down a few times but only to keep blaming me and not seeing my side at all, though I understood his side and apologized. I am controlling and even ABUSIVE because my rare tags (few times a year) were not being accepted on Facebook for a long time, and when I say it hurts me, I am CONTROLLING, even though he used to tag me and interact with me. Been like this a couple years now and I was told I am not allowed to talk about how it hurts me and is yet another way I feel abandoned. Just leaves. Goes upstairs and plays games and stonewalls me when I text saying I wont talk about it anymore and I'm sorry I worded things in a way he thought I was accusing him of wrongdoing. So many things are me calling him a CHEATER when I never even thought such a thing! Just feel unloved and abandoned. He tells me my intent and can't even say he understands how it might hurt me. I'm done being left. I'm so alone in this marriage. And yes, counselor made it much worse IMO.

Oh and he took his extra ME TIME just 2 days after saying here he would hold off on it for now. I did get more UA time, I will give him that, but can't even try to make up to have the weekend together. Seems like he wants an excuse to stay gone. Even after I say I understand his feelings and am sorry. I dont get that same understanding I am to never speak of things that hurt me ever again. His BOUNDARY he said is I cant speak of Facebook.

Welcome to MB. I take it you are the wife in this scenario.

Can I BEG you to please calm down and post here a bit more before you make any decisions? Please start your own thread (if never works if we try to post to both of you on the same thread) and tell us your side of the story. I know you think you've told us already in this post, but there is an awful lot missing. For example, why were you going to the counsellor in the first place? What was the problem that resulted in his saying that separate "me time" was the answer? What was your recent fight about? Do you fight about things other than the gaming issue? Has the marriage been good apart from the gaming? What makes you say you are alone in the marriage? Do you spend as much UA time as he said you do in his earlier posts? What is missing from your UA time? Do you think you could come to an agreement about "me time"? Could you agree on how he spends it (and how you spend it)? Could you agree on the amount or the frequency? - or is the problem that he breaks agreements and engages in independent behaviour?

I have some advice for you directly from Dr Harley. He talked about your situation on his radio show, and I transcribed it. I will post what he said, but only after you start a new thread and give us a fuller picture.

What's the deal with Facebook?

Talk about it on your own thread.

Oh and the main part of it is the FB app showing him active every day. I found out from him it lies about that. So I THOUGHT he was on it a whole lot and just not interacting with me. Which he couldn't even acknowledge how that could possibly hurt my feelings. Just another way I used to feel loved but he took it away years ago. Because of the PRESSURE.

I'm going to get even more upset rehashing everything right now. All the ways his love has gone. Also, on my phone so it is hard to type all that out right now. Will post from laptop at some point. Thanks.

Yes I agree with SugarCane please start your own thread. I would suggest starting it by answering SugarCane’s questions, that should give you a good start. Please calm down and we will help you. SugarCane is one of our very best, so please listen to her.

We are here to help.