Well where do I begin.....my wife and I have 1 young child together. shortly after our child was born my wife began having an affair she got pregnant from this affair and told me about everything.... and that she wanted our family to stay together I agreed to stay and expressed how I would raise this child just like ours and would not be treated any differently we started doing the marriage builders program and everything was going well until the affair partner took us to court for paternity and custody ....a short time later she tells me that she still has feelings for the affair partner and he is telling her how much their child will hate her for what she has done and she thinks the child will unless she tries to give them a chance together but she says she dosent know what she wants because she wants our family too for the last several days she has been back staying with her affair partner and their child leaving me with our child and it just leaves me heartbroken for our child because I never wanted this for us ...I'm left wondering do I keep fighting for my family and child keep trying to meet her needs and deposit love units or do I throw in towel

Heartbreaking!
Immediately get legal advice and ask for full custody of your own child. Get documentation that she has left your family. She should not have had the means to communicate with him at all. E.g. changed cell phone number etc.
The communication and the fact that she is now living with him, renders it impossible, that the two of you would ever be free of the other person and strengthens his visitation and shared custody case.

It is your decision and your decision only, to try again. Her behaviour is appalling, but there seem to have been some serious flaws in your application of the MB way to fight affairs. You may have been too optimistic as to the addictive nature of the affair.

Have you exposed the affair?

She has not left our family in a way that she is living with affair partner full time but she does leave and go over there every night not returning until late morning....we were still very early in our application of MB principles when the court situation started and it was near impossible for them not to see each other due to exchanges of the child i suggested as Dr harley recommends in these situations that we need to have an intermediary for this to make the exchanges she indicated she wouldn't have a problem with that but that the affair partner would and would use that against her in the court case .....I have exposed the affair to my family but have not to her family yet as I dont have all of their numbers I am thinking yes I was too optimistic in the addictive nature of the affair and I believe she was probably in the withdrawal phase and was telling me the affair partner never meant anything to her

Welcome to MB.

How did the affair partner manage to get you to court? In many states, a judge will not allow an outside man to interfere with a marriage. In law, the child is deemed to be the child of the marriage. How did he persuade a judge to grant a paternity test?

What custody was this man granted?

Did she say that if you got a friend to do the child exchanges, OM would use that against her in the court case? How, exactly? What would the negative outcome have been?

He explained the affair and basically said he has a right to have the test done....we made the mistake i guess of not trying to fight that hard enough because the affair partner knew it is his child and wanted to be able to be in the child's life and we thought at the time we could possibly make that work and not keep the child from knowing their biological father.....the custody has not been determined yet but there is a temporary visitation order......yes she said she is worried that if we used an intermediary then he could use that against her for not being a primary caregiver and its set up in the temporary order that she will drop off for the exchange which I know I should have never of agreed to but things seemed to be going well enough in our recovery that I guess I thought a 5 min exchange would be practically harmless

Clearly, despite your mention of having read Dr Harley, you did not follow a single one of his recommendations. Now you have willingly walked yourself into a self-imposed nightmare, and I have no idea how you are going to get out of it.

So all he had to do was say that to a judge, and the judge allowed this interference in your marriage? Did you have legal representation at the time?

How did OM already know that this was his child? How could he know this for sure? Wasn't your wife living with you at the time of conception? If not, why not? It would be good if you could tell us a little more about the affair.

Was this a court-ordered and court-supervised DNA test?

Okay - I need to ask again: What was in the temporary visitation order? How is the child with him every night?

The affair lasted about a year a short time after the affair began my wife and the affair parter planned the pregnancy it was done intentionally she was able to keep this hidden from me for a long time though we lived together we were distant and with work schedules at the time did not get to see each other much ....we have legal representation and I asked my wife if he would be able to prove its his child she said he would because he would have messages exchanged between them and he went to most of the dr appointments so we assumed if we tried to fight it then it would not matter and would be granted anyway and just ultimately agreed to the test our lawyer never advised against agreeing to it with all the information they had ......but now looking back it was a stupid mistake on my part I should have never allowed that but I guess I was torn on keeping the child from their biological father and was all caught up in the progress we seemed to be making rebuilding our marriage all this seems to happen so fast you don't have time to think it through I guess.....the temporary visitation only says he gets to see the child when he is available for a set number of hours a day no more than 5 days a week and no overnights that she will drop the child off and he will bring the child back but since she has been staying with him at night she has been allowing him to keep the child overnight I guess because she's there

Protect your finances. Protect your family (child). Your wife is in a full blown affair and is destructing your family.

The visitation should be scheduled in advance and limited to planned time only, exchanges must be done without contact.

I find it really hard to understand this. It might help if you could try and write in proper sentences.

If your wife and OM planned the pregnancy, what was their goal? Surely it was for her to leave you and live with him. Surely he wasn't planning for her to conceive his child and spend the rest of her life passing it off as yours.

So if they planned to be together, what happened to stop that?

How did you find out about the affair? Where was she with the pregnancy at that time? How did you ever find out that the pregnancy was planned? How did that knowledge affect your decision on your marriage?

You see, I suppose what I'm getting at is: if she made such a monumental decision as to deliberately conceive somebody else's child, I presume because she was in love with him and was going to go off with him, why didn't you see how serious this affair was/is? How did you get to the position of trying to bring this child up as your own? How did she ever agree to that?

OM wants to prove he is the father, and you don't resist his doing so. WW wants to see OM on handovers, and you don't resist that either. Indeed, you're so secure in the strength of your marriage that you are thrown for a loop when she goes back to him, and now you let her stay there all night and come back to your home each day. How can you have been so passive?

What did she ever say to you to make you think she would give up this affair, stay with you, and bring OM's child up as yours?

I agree with goody: file for divorce to protect your assets - consult an attorney first. She may grant dou full custody of your child, while she is in the affair.

Surely you know how to contact your own parents-in-law.

And you didn’t expose the affair on his side? Is that correct?

I found out about the affair because she was showing and couldn't hide it anymore. she told me more than anything that she wanted our family and would do whatever it takes for us to stay together that she did not tell me about it sooner because she was afraid i would leave her and she would lose her family.

Later that day the affair partner got in contact with me and told me that the pregnancy was planned and that he had no idea she was married. my wife never denied any of this and said it was true at that point the affair was over.

I guess my wife had a way of convincing me she was truly sorry for what she has done. I guess i thought any normal person that has done something so terrible to beg their spouse not to leave them and destroy their family and children's lives would not be able to make the same mistakes.

you are right i am too passive. That is something i really need to work on. I really appreciate all your advice even some of this is hard to hear for me but you are really helping me see thing from a different perspective

what am i supposed to do to stop her from leaving?

that is correct....i have not exposed the affair my self to in laws yet...but I'm sure they obviously know because they have seen the child and we saw them several times throughout the year and a pregnancy was never mentioned to them. I have not exposed on his side either i wouldn't have any way to contact or even find his family

So You all are suggesting skipping a Plan B and heading straight to divorce?

You need to protect yourself and your family. Filing doesn't mean you divorce in the end, but it gives you a legal position and a way to protect your finances. Adulterers are notorious for wrecking finances. She sleeps at his house, got pregnant on purpose. That is destructive behaviour.

Expose all the way. Ask for custody. Protect your family against financial disaster. Don't agree with her sleeping at his house. If you want to fight for your marriage, fight smart and get legal help.