I don't think that you are in any way serious about stopping this affair.

You are telling us that because you never mentioned pregnancy last year, but this year your in-laws have seen the new baby, that this means they must know about the affair. What kind of convoluted logic is that, and how is it supposed to do the job of exposing the affair to them?

What have you actually told your own parents and siblings? Have you explicitly told them that your wife is having an affair and that her second child is the child of the affair? Did you ask them for their help in persuading your wife to end the affair? What has been her reaction to their knowledge?

I am serious about saving my family. It seems we were definitely going about the MB principles for surviving an affair the wrong way.

You are absolutely right that makes no since. I guess what I was getting at is they would have to think that is strange and something is not right there.
I'm not sure what my wife may have told them i know she hid it from them until after the child was born.
When she did tell them and I asked what they said she told me they were happy to have another grandchild. So its definitely possible she did not mention anything about the affair to her parents.
But I will contact them and expose the affair myself. I know her siblings know everything about the affair but they may not know she has went back to having an affair so I will expose to them as well.

I have told my own family everything and they have been very supportive of me in my decision to try to repair our marriage....I dont think they would be much help in persuading her to end the affair. I dont think she actually cares what they think of her..

Her reaction when I told her I had exposed the affair in the beginning to my family was seemed to be shame for what she had done but she didn't really say much and shut down

I have not yet told my family that she has restarted the affair but I will do that tonight.

I will also seek legal advice this coming week

Good that you are finally going to expose to your WW’s side, but you also need to expose to OM’s side.

Have you checked his social media?

Also, I’m confused that if you want to save your marriage why are you ok that your WW goes every night to her OM? Why aren’t you fighting to end the affair and save your marriage?

I dont have social media but I will try to do some digging to see what I can find about his family and ways to contact them

I'm not sure what I can do to stop it besides telling her I'm not okay with it and that it's wrong. Is threatening to leave/ divorce the right answer?

She is now calling it a separation i guess to make it seem okay in her mind. Saying that she is unsure of what she wants and feels that if she doesn't try to give OM a chance together then their child will hate her for what she has done but is also worried about our child. I'm unsure of how to help her with that because it's a terrible consequence of her own actions.

How old is your own child? How old is the affair child? How did she meet OM and how close/far does he live?

Our child is 2, the affair child is a newborn...they used to work together but no longer do. OM lives about 20 minutes away

Dr Harley would not recommend filing for divorce at this stage.

There should be a series of steps that may end up leading to a filing of divorce, but only when the other steps prove fruitless. You should have your own lawyer (not one you share with your wife) to help guide you in decisions that will protect your finances and your custody of your biological child.

You have not begun with the first steps yet; indeed, the steps you have taken have moved you several miles backwards from Dr Harley's recommendations.

You need to expose the affair PROPERLY to your family and to hers, including anybody that you think already knows. That means explaining that your wife has been having an affair - and give them the name of scumbag OM. Tell them that they conspired to have a child together, had the child, and that she is now staying with OM and taking the child with her. You do not want your marriage to end, and you want to protect your own child from a devastating family breakdown. Ask them to use their influence to talk to your wife about what she is doing and how she is hurting you and your child.

Your wife might not care what your family, or even her own family, thinks of her, but she will care when they point out that she will be harming your child for life, and that this can be avoided by keeping your marriage together, bringing up both children with you, and kicking scumbag out of your lives, except for what is legally granted to him. Tell them that that the affair will not last, and then the first grandchild and the second one will face the heartbreak of yet another broken family, and surely they do not want that for them. The affair will not last because scumbag will tire of being faithful and having two young kids around ruining his romance, and he will leave your wife when the limit of his attention span is reached. This is fun to him right now, but it won't be fun for the children when they are fatherless and homeless. Tell your exposure targets this so that they understand why they must bring their influence to bear on her. Those kids are their grandkids/niece/nephew, and they can't leave them to rot for the sake of this temporary, ill-fated "love".

You also need to talk to your wife and tell her the same thing about harming the kids. Tell her that you can rebuild your marriage to be the marriage that she wants, but only if she never sees OM again. The way to achieve that is for her to stay at home tonight, and for you to do the legally-agreed child exchanges (for the time and frequency that the judge granted, not overnight every night) until you can get someone else - a sister, a grandparent - to do the exchanges so that neither of you has to see scumbag face-to-face (doing so hurts you too). You need to seek legal advice about how soon you can move away from your area so that she can't nip round to his house any time she feels like a quickie. In other words, you need to put pressure on her to give you a chance (to do Plan A, although you would not use that term).

While you do Plan A (which begins with exposure), you seek legal advice about what to do should things take a turn for the worse. How do you stop her taking your child and draining your bank accounts of joint money?

And on that note: was scumbag ordered to pay temporary child support?

If I could ship a backbone across the Atlantic to you I would. I can't believe how accommodating you've been - you have not seen the danger of this affair all along. OF COURSE if she willingly conceived a child with someone else there was almost a certainty that she would leave you for him, and you have simply let that happen. You delivered your wife right into his arms by letting her go over there with the child that very first time.

Time to wake up and discover your father bear instincts. Nobody would be allowed to take my child away from me to go and live with some filthy marriage-wrecker, and you should feel the same about yours.

Please listen to SugarCane.

Please read Exposure 101

You need to expose correctly to your side, your WW’s side and OM’s side.

You need to do it all at once on the same day.

You need to get your finger out and find out about OM. How can you have been so lazy that to this day you do not know the background of the man that destroyed your marriage?

There were no social media in the days when most of the regular posters on this forum had their marriages shattered by affairs, and yet we found out about the other person and exposed them to their families. My husband's affair broke in 2005 when I did not even know what the term "social media" meant (there were primitive sites in those days, such as Friends Reunited). My husband's affair took place entirely in another country. All I had was the woman's full name and her mobile phone number, yet from that, within 5 minutes of searching her very common name and ruling out the people who it could not be, I was able to find out her home address, job details, her husband's name and job details, and her teenaged kids' names and schools. I exposed to her husband by sending him a very guarded email to his work address, asking him to contact me.

If you'd had a will, you'd have found his details by now.

Given that you need to do some searching for him, I would not recommend waiting until you have his details to start exposing to your family and your wife's. I would expose to your family and hers TODAY and then to OM's side as soon as you find them. He is hardly likely to be able to spin a story about a crazy husband making up stories about him - not when he has filed for custody of this child. He can't pretend he hasn't had an affair with a married woman and fathered a child with her, and is breaking up a family.

We warn against trickling out exposure because doing so gives the affairees the chance to spin their story before it reaches the other betrayed spouse, but in this case - the story cannot be spun, and there is no other betrayed spouse that you know about. If it turns out there is one, she will have to believe you because of the court order.

Expose properly to your family and hers TONIGHT.

Thank you for the dose of reality its hard to be able to think so clearly when your whole world comes to a crash.

I will try to get her to see this point of view because its the truth thats is exactly what is going to happen. Surely she will be able to see that and look past this temporary love.

On the exposure is that something I should do without her knowledge?

There is no temporary child support at the moment that and custody will be the next court case. But we are asking for it as well as half of the medical bills.

Of course without her knowledge! I can't believe you asked me that!

Didn't you tell me that you'd read Dr Harley?

Stop making excuses. You've had months to think this through. How long did it take her to grow that baby?

I will expose it all tonight... I guess i just wanted to clarify that because it could be possible she will be so angry from the exposure it could drive her farther away. But I'm not going to worry about that this is a necessary step to save my family.

No, I don't think she'll be able to see that.

What she thinks does not make sense to any normal person living in the real world, but what you think also does not make sense to her. When you try and explain this to her, her reaction will be to scream "that's not true!"

What you're really trying to do is show her that you care deeply for her and that you're trying to stop her making this tragedy even worse. You are trying to show that you will save her from the opportunist OM and you'll be there for her when he is long gone. When your mother and her sisters bombard her today, along with you, begging her to stop, it will be hard for her to stick her fingers in her ears and walk away. She won't believe any of you or see the sense in what you're all saying, but she will see that this is a terrible crisis and that she cannot, right now, today, keep walking further into it. If you all love bomb her today and let her know that you care, and you're trying to stop her hurting herself, it will check her action and she might just stay tonight, because it's just too awful to walk out in the midst of all that. So far it's been easy to walk out because each day, you've just kissed her goodbye and wished her the best.

Try to stop her going and tell her you'll deal with OM and his child. Try to get her not to contact him while you deal with everything. Try to get her to look at the child she leaves behind every night. If she can agree to stay for one night, and then two, you might be able to make her think about the harm she will do if she leaves for good.

Of course she'll be angry, but what alternative do you have? You have tried to do things her way so that she'll stay with you, but has that helped your marriage? Absolutely not. She is now deeply in the affair and talking about separation.

No unfaithful spouse ever thanked the betrayed spouse for exposing, not at the time that it happened. The goal is for the families to put pressure on her; she'll be angry, but what they say will have an effect. She isn't facing up to the fact that she is hurting her first child, and she will end up hurting the second one too when OM sees something else he likes and walks away. Your families can help her see that, even though she will be incandescent with rage at their intervention.

You need to expose, you need to do your research on OM (you'll be surprised how easy it is) and you need to seek legal advice first thing Monday. You need to act on all fronts at once. Your marriage has been burning to the ground for months and you've been watching it happen as if it were a TV programme. You need to use everything in your armoury if you are to have a chance of saving it.

I talked with her last night before she had a chance to leave i made clear to her exactly my thoughts and every thing you all have said

that this affair will not last and she will just ultimately be destroying both childrens lives.

That we can rebuild our marriage to far stronger than it has ever been and that i can be the husband she needs so she never has to worry about another affair. That raising both children in our home can be a happy home that triumphs and made it through the darkest of times. But a home with the OM would be a home filled with pain suffering and guilt a relationship that will not last because it was built on lies and deceit.

She seemed to get through some of what I was saying.

She broke out in tears and said she just knows the Affair child is going to hate her for this.
i told her she can't know that. She only has this idea in her head because OM has put it there and if he really cares about his child's well being he would not say anything to make the child HATE his mother.

She then said well what about the affair child's chance at a family.
I said his family is right here your leaving it behind every night I love him just as much as my own child and would never do anything to hurt him like OM is talking about.

She ultimately still left because she said she hadn't gotten to see the child all day but I will continue to keep pressure on her to stay tonight.

I did expose to her sister and she completely agrees with everything I said and she is going to talk to her face to face today.

I was not able to properly expose to her parents because it got too late at night but I am going to do that today.

I am also working to get the number of her best friend since childhood to expose to her as well after re reading exposure 101 I feel that these are the people that will be able to have the most influence on her

Where had her newborn child been all day? Surely he's not living with OM.

Yes she has been letting the child stay with OM.thats why she goes over there every night. No overnight stays are mentioned in the temporary court agreement. When OM has the child he is supposed to return the child back to us at night. He is also not supposed to have the child for more than 5 days in a row and this has been going on for about 4 days now.

This is much worse than I thought. I have never come across a new mother who is willing to leave her baby out of her sight. How the heck did it get to this?

You have got to insist on the enforcement of the court order. If your marriage is to stand a chance, that child needs to be back in his home every night and for the majority of the days. OM needs to receive him in strict accordance with the interim order and you need to be the one who hands the child over, unless you can get a relative to do it. You need to insist on his return after the specified period, and if OM resists, you need to get the police involved.

I'm in danger of getting on a plane and crossing the ocean to wring your neck. Put your foot down and become the husband you need to be to save this marriage.