Hello Dr. Harley,

My husband has a bad habit of interrupting or finishing my sentences while I'm talking to him or if I'm talking to someone else. He also walks out of the room while I'm still speaking with him. I try to politely remind him not to but he does this 7 or more times a day. He says he is trying to stop this habit and states he doesn't even know he is doing it. Now he is frustrated with me and says I am complaining and correcting him too much. That I am using the program as an excuse to nag at him. What can both of us do to solve this issue?

Welcome to MB.

I just want to check whether you intended to post your query on the open forum. It's addressed to Dr Harley, and I can see that you also posted to him in his private forum. Dr Harley will reply to you on the private forum, but not here.

It's fine if you want the post to stay here also, so that other posters can offer advice. We will explore this further with you when you clarify what you want.

Is there a reason why you posted in the forum Surviving an Affair (if this wasn't a mistake)? Has one of you had an affair?

Hello,
So sorry for posting in the wrong section; we have not had an affair. I thought I was posting in conversation section.
My husband and I are currently working on the marriage builders program and I was told we could ask Dr. Harley for help thru this forum. I am trying to navigate on how to do this. I'm not sure how to get to the private forum.
Could you help me with this?
Thank you

But you have already posted to him in the private forum. It was your first ever post. It's in the Conversation section. How did you do that if you didn't know how to get there?

Dr Harley can be a bit behind with his replies, but he will reply soon.

One of the benefits of being in the online programme is that your coach can talk directly to your husband when you raise a problem such as this. That is so helpful when a spouse tends to switch off when you complain directly. From what I've read, it sounds as if your husband isn't really listening to the complaint, but is offended by the fact that you're complaining - full stop.

If he's entered the online programme with a genuine desire to improve the marriage, he'll be willing to learn why complaining in marriage is a good thing, and why he should listen and reject the complaint. If he accepts Dr Harley's principle of the Love Bank, he will learn that his actions affect the level of love you have for him. If he does things that create Love Bank deposits, your love for him will grow and remain high. If he commits love busters, he makes withdrawals from his love bank account and will one day end up in the red - with you not in love with him. Maybe he has already reached that point, and that's why you're seeking help with your marriage.

It's tempting for him to think that if only you did not nag, he would be happier, and thus your marriage would be happy - but it does not work like that. He thinks that if you shut up and learn to tolerate (what he thinks are) his minor quirks, he won't be grumpy, and you'll be happy because he's not grumpy. However, his forcing you to shut up will have the opposite effect. His annoying (and downright rude) habit will upset you more and more, and could destroy your marriage.

If he wants to be married, and happily, then he needs to unlearn the annoying, inconsiderate and rude habit. It takes time to unlearn any habit, and it takes persistent and systematic attention. If he doesn't know when he's doing it, then you need to point it out, and he needs to apologise and make amends (e.g. let you finish).

He needs to see the nagging as the same as getting a warning letter from the bank that's he's heading for an unauthorised overdraft. Such notices are not pleasant, but ignoring them leads to worse - severe penalties and financial ruin. if you pay attention to them they prevent a disaster from happening.

Thank goodness you're in the online programme because your coach can say those things to him.

Your coach might suggest not pointing out each instance directly, but writing down each time he does those things on your worksheets, which you will exchange at the end of the week. If he can read them and not get angry, he might be able to digest the information without reacting badly. Waiting days for him to read the sheets does not solve the problem immediately, but it could be preferable to the reaction he displays presently.

All in all, this will depend on his willingness diligently to work on his love busters (and you yours).