I have been married for 30 years... I have made so many mistakes in my marriage- I own it. My husband, then boyfriend, broke up with me 30 years ago because he wanted to see other people. Long story short, I met a guy and we had sex a couple of time- I later started seeing my ex again. Boom two months later I find out I am pregnant. I told my boyfriend I had not slept with anyone else. (I know this was a lie bit I wanted to believe it was his child since I had only slept with the other guy 2 times) and it was later than the doctor said the conception date was. We later marry and have 2 other kids. He later asks if there is anyway out first child could be someone else's - I admit that I had slept with someone else.... a mail in DNA test said she was his (This was in the early 90's and they were not as accurate)... later he begins to think it was wrong- it was.... our daughter was not his. I had also gotten us in debt 2 times during our marriage. My deception has plagued us every since. He now has affairs with prostitutes all of the time. I ended up giving him permission to do so for a specified amount of time and then he had to agree to move past this and work on our marriage. he agreed. A few nights ago he said he wanted to stop this and to move past it- he said he could stop seeing hookers but he wanted me to not check up on him. I was elated..... But today, I did check up (I know it was wrong) and I found out he had been seeing prostitutes the whole time and it was my fault since I always have to check up on him.. Its a vicious cycle.. I think I can stop checking up on him but I don't want to have unprotected sex because he has already given me HPV and it led to precancerous cervical cells that they have to monitor. I know I messed up by not telling him about the other guy and just hoping she was his. I know I bear blame for this too. I would really like both men and women's opinions on how to proceed. I love him and I believe he loves me too... I think I can stop checking and see if he is able to stop this by the agreed upon date in December.... But, I don't think I want to have sex as I am concerned about my health. what are your thoughts? What can I do to try and work this out?

Welcome to MB.

This is such a sorry state of affairs that I don't know where to start. Of course you shouldn't have lied about the sex leading to your first child, but when he found out, his having sex with prostitutes was not the answer. You should never have given permission for this.

I don't understand: What is the connection between finding out that the first child isn't his, and his having sex with prostitutes? What problem is that designed to solve?

I also don't understand the connection between your checking up and his continuing to do it - or your stopping and his stopping. Basically, he is gaslighting you by telling you that if you stop checking, he'll stop doing it, but that's baloney. The two are not connected. He does it because he wants to, and he feels that you can't stop him.

A man does not "have affairs" with prostitutes. He has sex with them, and he puts his wife's health at risk from numerous diseases, and he humiliates and, in your case, punishes her.

Why are you still with him? Why haven't you left long ago?

Quite honestly- I love him. I also feel very guilty about not telling him I had slept with anyone else.... I know that is a huge betrayal. I have to own up to my mistakes, too.

As I understand it, you have owned up to your mistake. Do you think that means you have to put up with his prostitutes?