Well where do I start. I have been living a nightmare for the last 4 months it seems. I knew marriage/relationship of the last 20 years was not perfect but we seems to make it work and people were envious of us. I recently discovered that my wife was involved with another man and now she is nowhere near the person I knew. She has basically told me that she does not want to or know if she wants to be with me, loves me but not like before. Mind you she used to be obsessed and controlling of me , always accusing me of looking elsewhere or this or that.
To cut to the chase of of how or why she says we wrong was our extra curricular activities. Embarrassed to say but being a guy when I discovered my wife was into women and I didn’t stop situations from occurring and likely influenced some encounters. This was girl girl activity with men not involved but present. This went on for years. I know stupid on my part but the male in me took over I guess. She did indicate to me in past year that we should stop these activities. She said it sober but when drinking it would occur. Again some was my fault but others her actions. She did tell me that she was going to leave me if this continued. Beginning of this year I noticed that she Changed pass code after I saw a guy text that I did not know. She claimed person from from work. Than the Snapchat names started popping up. More clues. I eventually looked at phone records and using internet found person she was speaking to as same from text I saw. I further used an old phone and placed in her car and tracked her with him, she stopped sharing location. The douche is guy who works in the same city as her. I can go on and but shelved in with her mom back and forth a few times. I caught her talking or meeting also multiple times. I about beat him
Down a few times also. My adult son sent him a text that was vicious describing how he Will never be apart of his or his sisters life. I have told her parents, my brother and some close friends. I did not tell their work which I know is recommended. He is single. She now claims is it is over but is now angry as hell and full of rage toward me now. Oh she also got on mother’s phone plan and pretty much no location sharing on phone, that has come and gone. I’ve definitely committed love busters during this process. I know I’ve done it right and been an aggressive [censored]. I told her that I love her and want to make IT work but she feels that it is broken and can’t be fixed. I told her that I will not remain married for the sake of our awesome home we built. I feel like she is very confused and on another planet. I have no trust for her. I know I missed some stuff here and gladly will answer questions and listen to advice. Thank you

Welcome to MB.

What is the status of the affair, and your marriage, right now? Do I understand correctly that your wife claims that the affair is over? Is she at home with you, and not leaving for him?

What is the problem that you need help with if the affair is over? Is it her anger and rage toward you? Is it that you don't think the affair is over?

The status of the affair...good question. She says that he is not in the picture and now the issue is just between us. I would love to blindly trust her but that will likely never occur and I know that is should not. I go back and forth from wanting to throw in the towel to wanting to fight to the end of world for us. In truthfulness we likely forced the relationship to work from the onset. It has not all been bad but toxic for sure. We have built us a really great life for the most part but our personalities and other issues have now caused a rift. I am full of resentment over this and am making huge love busters mostly in form of accusations. I have been correct most of the time and it is just not paranoid delusions. She is home with me but over last few months went back and forth to her mom. She is wanting now have an independent lifestyle with no accountability to me. Stopped sharing location and such. that is a no go for me. Mentioned working it out till daughter graduates so she can stay in home we built. I'm not down for that, I'm not sitting back while she does what she wants. I really love my wife and honestly would forgive her likely, I'm not a saint and willing to admit all my mistakes and learn from them. I feel that if we work this out we can be stronger than ever. She is actually a cool cat when it comes to anger during these last few months she responds now only when i push her with rage and hate. She just denies, denies, denies which makes me challenge and accuse. Again I am not following the plan well at all but it is not like i am expert on this. I really don't know if it is over with him and she claims nothing more than kissing and touching which I do not believe. She says because of my confrontations with him, including in front of his kids once that he wants nothing to do with her. This jerk has even text me as I have text him stating he is backing out, but has reappeared like a wart more than once. I am now going to FB message his brother and sister in law tonight advising them of their relationship. I will know if they are still talking by her super rage event that will occur. I FB message his mother but she must not have messenger and likely does not use a regular computer for FB (it was not read but delivered). Should I just accept that she says it is over? By the way she is a cop and he is a fire fighter so (he barely works and has plenty time to meet, 1 on 2 off schedule) and she has freedom to drive around a whole shift for ten hours in between calls. I am not tolerating her leaving for multiple hours in the evening to hang out with "work friends." We used to do everything together. She has stated that she loves me but doesnt know if wants to be with me because of the exposure I did. She also takes little ownership for the encounters with other women. So I truly believe I want to make this work but she is not full on board or goes back up which makes me resentful and accusator.

Also should I keep accusing her? I am sure this does not help situation, would suck if she actually did end it.

You seem to know something about Dr Harley's plan, because you mentioned exposure in your first post, although you said you hadn't done it properly or effectively. Have you read all the free articles on this site related to surviving an affair? Do you have access to the book Surviving an Affair?

I think that, before you can go any further, you need to work out whether you are capable of following Dr Harley's plan for several months. I have my doubts that you can, since you seem to know elements of it but admit to not having followed it.

If you can follow the plan, it would involve completing exposure and following the rest of Plan A. It would mean trying to persuade your wife to move away from the area that you live in now. If I understand correctly, your wife and OM do not work directly together, since she is a police officer and he is a fire officer. However, they are able to see each other in the community. Therefore, if you want your marriage to stand a chance, you will need to move far away.

Who does OM live with? Is he married? And is there a more direct way of contacting his mother - can you find out her address? You can't let obstacles like Facebook stop you from doing the job properly - not when you are fortunate enough to know the identities of his family members.

Plan A requires that you put pressure on the affair through exposure, while offering your wife the opportunity of a different marriage altogether from the one in which extra-martial sex has been the norm. It also means waiting for the affair to finish if it does not end right away. Do you think you can follow a plan while waiting out the affair?

Do you think your wife is interested in a new marriage with you, after the sexually libertarian one she has had so far? You have given her permission to have sex with other people. She now wants to have sex with OM, without you in the picture. What do you have to offer that could make her change her mind about you?

Finally, do you want a marriage free from sex with other people? Why do you want it now, when you haven't wanted it for all these years?