She did contact me, I was expecting her to come in screaming and shouting. Instead with a very fake voice she asked how I am doing and then asked if she could speak to the kids. I handed the phone to my daughter she then proceeded to ask my daughter where we were. We were at one of our friends house as it was their daughters 1st birthday. She then asked my daughter if there is a girl with me, to which my daughter replied: No, Why? My wife said: Thank you, that is all I wanted to know.

Charlie you are married to a very determined woman and you are doing a great job. Don't be deceived by her behaviour, women love a man who fights for them. Around here we generally describe women having affairs as appearing to have been possessed by an alien. Your children are also a huge asset; not only are they glue connecting the two of you but they are going to be fighting OM for her attention and he will not win.

Although you may not believe it right now, an affair can make a marriage better by being a massive wake up call. For example you have seen how important financial support is to your wife. Are you addressing that issue?

CharlieOliver

I am familiar with South Africa and its different groups of people. Important things: a few things you have not done right to effectively kill the affair that need to be done even if you have told people already. You need go all out on this like brave fighter. Do not be scared that she will get angry. Exposure is an exception as per guidelines of Dr. Harley. Experts here can tell you more.

1. Expose the affair again in a proper way through the Exposure 101 guidelines. You went and told friends and family physically just the way she would go and tell them her side of story. Your ask here gets cancelled out and your expose was not effective at all. One cannot underestimate the power of the exposure letters. The wording in them is just superb and effective, and cannot be underestimated. They are definitely better than how you told them.

Do this.


1. It should be easy find a PI who can find his parents, siblings, where he went to school, service his car, whom he talks to, where he goes, what he does,. Then the PI will find his friends, contacts and their physical addresses and phone numbers from internet, civic offices, city data. Even with the names you can try to find them on FB,Twitter, IG and Linkedin but let PI find the info on the above sentence and then act from there. You can send exposure letters to them. It is not difficult to find relatives and friends and colleagues in South Africa. PIs have great ways to go about this. They can give money to a doorman/guards of the housing complex to get information. They can even talk to the police or local neighborhood security and get info. They can even find his usual schedule.

2. Have your child connect with WW on all social media then post the exposure letter on her social media starting on WW’s Facebook page. Post it on her Facebook page through you daughter’s FB when you think your wife maybe away from the phone to check her FB. This might be when she in a meeting, dancing or busy. Then quickly copy the link of the post and send it all her friends, your friends, your family, her family, her coworkers and anyone who knows her. This makes many people see the post. She will see the number of views on the post. Try to get this view number to 300 or more. Remember she will delete the post the moment she sees it.

Note that you can find her contacts once your child connects by looking at her friends list and by clicking on people who have like her posts and photos.

Also since she blocked you on FB create a fake FB account and you may see her profile if it is public and then by click on the likes on her posts and photos and take the names and send messages.

3. Create a fake Linkedin profile as a woman who recruits for big and hard to pass positions. No need to put a photo. Just put a photo of Cape Town or some gif from the internet about work, recruiting or anything that makes profile attractive. Of course a fake/blurred photo of a woman would be good so people do not think the profile is fake. Now connect with all Linkedin contacts of your wife with a nice message like ‘Your profile, career and skills are amazing. I would appreciate connecting for great opportunities that come by me and future collaboration”. Connect with WW. You can then see her contacts. You can also see some of her contacts without connecting with her by looking at the people who have endorsed her on skills or have given her recommendations. A very good number will connect in 2 days. Some will connect later and you can always send the exposure letter latter but you can find them on FB too and then send then exposure letters. You can get 200 new connections. Now for each connection you can see their emails(for most of them) when you click contact info on their profile. Create a new Gmail account with your name. Grab those email addresses and put them in your new Gmail contacts. Then grab email addresses of all your contacts(friends, family, coworkers, etc.) and put them in this new Gmail’s contacts. You can export contacts from your old email contacts, download them as CSV and then import with your new email account’s contacts. Compose one email with the exposure letter. In one second you can send this email to all your contacts in this new email account. It is not a group email. It just sends to individuals. But before you send it, now then also compose another email as a group email with same contents because this makes people talk. Do the following step 4 before sending these two emails. Find out how to this by just performing 2 searches in Google - 1. how to send individual emails to a group in gmail 2. How to send a group email

4. Repeat the above 3 but for OM but by creating another new Gmail account. Remember to send the emails from 3 and 4 just by clicking send. You can send all 4 emails from step 3 and 4 in 4 seconds.
You create 2 email accounts because it is easy to send to all people related to you and your wife, and to OM at once because the emails send to different contacts.

5. Send messages to through FB messenger to everyone also because FB makes people talk.

Note: Do step 2 and follow it right with step 3 and 4 and sending to people collected from step 1 and step 5. You can send those who do have emails through FB and those who do not have facebook through IG.

Get that phone numbers, emails and physical addresses of his parents.

Make sure you do not leave anyone by assuming they cannot influence her. You will be amazed by what people are capable of.

Now to succeed expose to friends and colleagues of her sister, your brother-in-law and those close her. Leave every stone turned. Sister will not let her do this. Same with her brother. Remember that this will make it extremely hard for the sister or brother to introduce OM to their friends in the future.

Not sure what groups or “races” WW, OM and you belong in South Africa(South Africa’s history here). If she belongs to the Afrikaner make sure everyone who knows her in that group knows. Still make sure the other people from other groups know too. Do the same for OM and for yourself.

It took me 2 hours to write this. I hope you do it. More important it is to save your marriage.

From the beginning of this I even said to her you are acting like you are possessed. She says she loves her children more than the world and I believe that. At this current stage she has no problem in dumping the children with me or her family just as long as she can go out and have some fun, socializing, etc. At this moment she hasn't seen her children in 2 weeks. I was supposed to drop them off at the in-laws today to stay with their mother for the next week. She already cancelled this on Friday with the excuse of I'm trying to figure my new life schedule out, I will take them the week following.

I agree with the affair wake-up call.

Don't understand the financial support completely. We still have joint finances, and I still meet as much of her financial needs as which she will allow me to. I must admit that she seems to take it for granted tho. What she does do when she goes out instead of paying with her card she will draw some cash beforehand so that I can not see where she spends it. If I question her about this she says: You know I always like to keep some cash on me.

On the finance part I've structured our accounts a bit differently than the norm. We have a main account into which all deposits go because we have various sources of income salaries, rental, side hustle, side hustle to the side hustle, etc. From there I transfer money to an account that we live from. To transfer money from the main account to the account we live from takes 2 working days. At this stage for an example she will phone me on a Friday afternoon at say 18:00 and ask me how much money is in the account. I will then reply with say X amount, but tell her I still have to buy groceries and take care of the family with this so yeah there is about Z that you can use at the moment. She then without hesitation go the the ATM and draw cash just shy of X way more than Z. This then leaves me in a predicament, It's weekend I can't get the account funded before Tuesday evening, I can't buy groceries, daily necessities, etc in the meantime. Also I now have to take extra money out which was intended to go towards the monthly debt payments, which is causing huge financial difficulties for me.

If I take this up with her, she gets aggressive as says I don't need your money, OM is more than willing to take care of my financial needs and he can do a better job of it in anyways than what you can (which he can btw). So she is just using me as a bank teller at the moment, do I start cutting her off or try and manage as best I can?

Thanks for the valuable info.

I am a Systems Administrator, so to get email info, phone numbers of contacts and setup mail accounts is not a big issue for me. I will get on it this afternoon.

Yep, we are part of the Afrikaner group as you would know most of people in this group have a very conservative view with an extremely strong Christian belief system.

And just as a side note on SA, little bit of a joke about us. All tho I'm not a big drinker myself anymore, getting too old, too much responsibilities, etc. We are renowned for the amount of alcohol we can consume when we party. We have this running joke where one person will say for instance: I went over to the UK for 2 weeks - Yeah and what was it like? - On the second evening I decided to check the local pub out - Yeah and what was it like? - They ran out of alcohol at 21:00.
Also a famous saying amongst ourselves when we tell a story of something stupid / fun we did in our younger years: Brandy doesn't have brakes, because Coke (Coca-Cola) isn't brake fluid.

Thank you for the jokes. I love the Afrikaners. their work ethic is great. They have achieved a lot.

Note the most powerful of all these tactics is posting the exposure letter on her FB page and many people see it. Even if it is an hour before she sees it. if you want also post the exposure letter of OM. That will do double damage.

In addition you can post on your LinkedIn profile. Then using the other two fake LinkedIn profiles you created share the post on them. When you share just write something very short and powerful like "Family is important or Children's mother is stolen". "Watch out for Adulterers, You maybe sitting, working, eww eating, drinking or living with one right now"(this one is good when you share exposure post for OM - Take a big dig at adulterers) or anything you find better to draw attention. When you write something when sharing it gets more views than not writing something. Yes, let the world know.

You want this to spread like fire. In your linkedin post tag South Africa, city you are in, Pretoria, Cape Town, Johannesburg, neighborhood you live, neighborhood of OM and whatever is connected to OM like the sports club if he visits a sports club, his business if he had a business, where they/he/she frequent like the dance place or drinks place, local cafe, gymn. you get the point. Most important tag the company she works for. This is the beat.

You may not want to tag WW and OM because they will be notified by LinkedIn right away. You want them to hear from others that there is a post. This is when it hits them very hard. Surprise. Surprise. They will spin in their sleep for days. Their heads will be fried. And you know your work on exposure is accomplished and has been effective.

Hit the core without remorse. Do not be afraid. Do not be afraid of anyone on LinkedIn seeing your post. Remember you are doing this to save your marriage and that is important more than anything else. You are the only one who can save your marriage and there will not be there when your family and children hang out with OM, and you suffer.

A bonus here: you will see all those people who were afraid to be cut out of her life start to change. Your bravery and act will take you far. Remember that you are not doing this maliciously.

You are asking for help by stating facts and not opinions. When people call you or write to you they will be stating opinions mostly. This is what gives you comfort because they are opinions and not facts, and the people are not experts in dealing with affairs and saving marriages even your brother in law you mentioned. He seems like a nice person though but remember he is a not an expert in this and blood is thicker than water.

Now once you finish your exposure let the experts help you with the way forward. Keep this in mind: without proper and widespread exposure anything you do to try to save your marriage will not even work. That is bottom line. So, do not waste time and effort on other things before exposure.

Oh, make sure the Afrikaners in Zimbabwe, Mozambique, Botswana, Namibia, Congo,New Zealand, Australia, Canada, US and Europe get your exposure letter. I am referring to the ones in her circle, OM circle and your circle from all the past and present lives of you three especially those who have immigrated. She will be surprised getting messages from them. same with OM.

in addition make sure everyone she went to high school with knows. Add the university ones too. High school one is a killer. It will be so effective that you will never believe it because strong friendship and memories are formed in high school.

Dr Harley mentions about to high school friends in one piece of his radio show. He also mentions when WW hears from people she has not talked to for a while it is powerful.

You will have done what experts say should be done - full exposure. Now after that, do not do anything without asking the experts here first. You will mess up even if you think you are a genius. You will end up doing something stupid. The experts here will tell you tactics for lawyers, custody, finances, houses, custody schedule and how to deal with everything be it friends, police, etc. Just tell them what you want to do next and they will enrich to be strategic and effective.

Be bold and always read the saying by Theodore Roosevelt on MelodyLane signature. MelodyLane is one of the experts in this forum. That saying will keep you going and will give you the braveness to do what is right.

Here it is:
MelodyLane's Forum Signature

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101

On another note it is my understanding that in South Africa the women still have so much power given to them by the country or courts when it comes to custody. is this true? If so then experts here can. Just start with full exposure and you will see everything unfolding.

Exposure Effectiveness Is the key phrase here and summary.

Oh, by the way, post the exposure letters of WW and OM on your FB timeline at the same time you post and send to everyone.

And just a minute before you post/send exposure letters put a family picture as the header on your FB, LinkedIn and IG, WhatsApp and all your social media. You know the big header at the top of your profile page on FB, Twitter and LinkedIn. This picture should have you, her and your children only, and maybe your pet if you have any. Put this picture in all your social media and gmail as a profile picture also.

Why a minute before?
1. Because people will start reacting to the pictures right away with liked and comments especially on Facebook and IG, and bingo they will see your posts.
2. The most important reason is that people will be filled with great emotions when they see a family picture and this leads them to support you.

If you active on IG or have followers post the exposure letters there too. If not create an IG account and start following people and ask then to follow back. You want these people to be the ones in the circles of you, your wife and OM, your friends and relatives. IG has become a powerful social media with serious engagement. Post the family picture as a post and then the two exposure letters twxts as posts just like picture posts.

One reason for exposure as Dr Harley has advised me is that it avoids you from being isolated by friends especially if you do not end up with her (even if you end up with her.) People will think you are the who did something extraordinarily wrong if you do not expose properly. People avoid you like a plague. Your children will also be a avoided. Isolation from friends and others is the worst thing that you would want to you.

Even if you do not end up with her without exposure your future girlfriend, wife and new friends will have some doubts on why your relationship ended and your reputation.

These are some of the reasons to expose but the primary reason is to kill the affair in order to save your marriage.

Do not forget to expose to school parents especilly the ones from the grades your children attend and the parent teacher association members. You do not want your children to be isolated by the parents and their children. Think no playdate, no inclusion, etc. Exposing to their teachers also help because your teachers take care of your children most of the time and they should not be lied to by their mother. They need to know the children are through trauma caused by an affair and they need to pay close attention to them to make sure they are well.

I saw her this afternoon. She asked if we could discuss her moving into one of our properties, I obliged to meet. We met and had a 2 hour conversation. She started with I either want to move into this property or that one. I opened by saying just so that you know I'm still fighting for our marriage and I'm never going to give up. She asked me what I did yesterday and I replied you know what I did, I had a phone conversation with OM. She asked if I feel good about myself to which I replied well yes actually. She then confirmed that he did well phone her and end the relationship his reason to her was that this is too much admin, she tried to act if she is not too phased about this.

She then basically proceeded to carry on that she in any way never wants a fixed relationship in her life again. She said that I should see the guy she is going to this coming weekend, she will send me his contact details to spare me the effort of trying to figure out who he is.. She then proceeded to carry on that she wants to live alone and quite enjoys the men that are now queuing op to date her. She made it clear that she has this 'Eat, pray, love" idea in her head. Also stated that she doesn't care how hard I fight for our marriage she is never coming back and rather adamant on that one, said she will rather go sleep next to the road than come back.

I'm starting to worry more about the "Eat, pray, Love" mentality than the actual relationship. I have a feeling that I should also start to fight this "Eat, pray, love" thing but how do I open this can of worms?

So in essence I see 3 things here that are a problem.

The relationship/s which I think I'm winning via exposure.
The "Eat, Pray Love Mentality"
And actually getting her to just remotely think about reconciliation. She said today numerous times: I love you but will never come back to you. I enjoy my freedom, I enjoy the attention I'm getting from other men. I'm not sexually attracted to you any longer. And a bunch of other excuses. Some of them I feel are just her trying to hurt me but some of them are truly her current feelings.

Oh, and I started with anti depressant tablets today, don't know if it is working but think I feel a bit less negative. Will prob see over the next couple of days if it does make a difference.

And yes the courts do favor woman with custody. but she doesn't seem to be too excited about having too much custody. I tried pushing the kids off on her a bit more in an effort to curb her social life. Her reply was that she is not interested because it is interfering with her social life. Whenever she does mention custody she is fixated on joint custody where I carry all the responsibility.

Right now she is carrying on like a 20 year old student.

We all have emotional needs. Read this: Dr Harley on Emotional needs. Her emotional need for financial support is unusually strong. Clearly she is attracted to OM because he earns lots of money. You need to be working on your career prospects so that you are a good earner too. Just quietly focus on that knowing that she will see it and like it even if she says nothing.

That is quite separate from protecting your finances which you should do urgently. A wayward spouse can bankrupt you. Shut down her access to the joint accounts immediately. Tell her she can come home at any time but that you are not going to finance her affair. Be calm and respectful but very firm. She is earning money so there is no need for you to bankroll her. Stop doing that!

Please read DOCUMENT DOCUMENT DOCUMENT

Make sure you’re documenting every time she doesn’t want to have the kids.

Financial part: a perspective on Soutth Africa. South Africa has some super extremely wealthy people that one cannot even imagine. The wealthy is ridiculous compared to what I see here in the US. Folks I know make more money than us in the US. Extremely wealthy. There people who own mines of all sorts, vineland, all sorts of great things, etc. They have wealthy of all sorts illgained or not. The way of doing business in some quarters is something else. There are people who inherited massive wealthy from colonization.

The country is privileged in the sense that it "controls" most of Africa. Goods are sold to these countries. Money from wealthy people across Africa flows here. That said, CharlieOliver you have to find your to strike it super wealthy big time whether that fumes finding business opportunities In Mozambique or somewhere. Starting a company is the way to go. Meanwhile you could try to get a job with Amazon(AWS) in South Africa. Improve on your tech skills. Not sure if career route Will make you rich in South Africa though.

I am aware that South African white women are known for their love of money. Ask any Australian guy who has dated South African woman who immigrated there. The Aussie guys run away from them very quickly. And the Afrikaner women are very beautiful.

You posted about her thing about men. Now with your exposure letters post them here before you send them. Why? 1. Experts here will help you edit it or add something that relates to your situation and that hits the nerve or makes the exposure effective. For example one betrayed poster here wrote in his exposure letter something like "my wife cannot stop seeing lots of men." It was just one short sentence that was added.

OMG she freaked out and got really mad after exposure because she got scared that now everyone sees her differently - reputation at stake.


For you it is something along the lines " She has told me ..... and she us doing it. She has seen 4 men in 1 month" . Whatever is the fact. Experts will word it for you better.

You posted about her thing about men. Now with your exposure letters post them here before you send them. Why? 1. Experts here will help you edit it or add something that relates to your situation and that hits the nerve or makes the exposure effective. For example one betrayed poster here wrote in his exposure letter something like "my wife cannot stop seeing lots of men." It was just one short sentence that was added.

OMG she freaked out and got really mad after exposure because she got scared that now everyone sees her differently - reputation at stake.


For you it is something along the lines " She has told me ..... and she us doing it. She has seen 4 men in 1 month" . Whatever is the fact. Experts will word it for you better.

Dr Harley has advised me to expose every affair my WW has had in the marriage and in separation period that is till the time the divorce is finalized. Therefore you need to do the same.

Take the names of all the men and their contact info she going to see. Even get more info about them, where they live, work, they like to do or go to be able to compile a good list of their contacts. It is actually good she is offering this info. Just take it innocently, compile the contacts of these for exposure.

Full and widespread exposure for each men(affair) to all the contact if of you, your wife, etc.

BTW when you create those fake LinkedIn profiles invite WW and OM as connections. This way you can see all their LinkedIn contacts once they connect with you.

I'm busy collecting contacts on social media. Will formulate new exposure letters and post them here before I post them.

My concern surrounding these are growing and not sure how to address this:
The "Eat, Pray Love Mentality"
And actually getting her to just remotely think about reconciliation.

The "Eat. Pray, Love" mentality is really strong, this concerns me.