So my situation is extremely rough at the moment, but I know with the right tactic it is 100% savable.

Together 15 Years, Married 10, Children 2.

So the last couple of years (4) has been extremely tough on us financially. Before we were reasonably established. We lost our home and had to move into one of our rental properties, way smaller. We went from there's no money now just wait a couple of days till the next payment clears to barely being able to cover the bills. Before this wife was a housewife, now she has to work to help cover bills. I tried to shield my wife from all the financial difficulties by taking it upon myself, every time she did ask I just said don't worry I will work it out.

She started working 3 years ago, the company she went and worked for was not conducive to the situation, mostly 20 somethings, no responsibilities, young and outgoing lifestyle. Never thought this would have an impact.

On February 21 we went to a friend's birthday party, on the way home we got into an argument, didn't think much of it at the time, just thought we will resolve the difference in the morning.The following morning wife woke up stating she has a boyfriend and wants a divorce, wait what? Discussed this with her and we came to an agreement that we would give our marriage a go for 2 weeks. This was an extreme wake-up call, I knew that she was not playing. I proceeded to be the best version of me that I knew to be. It started off great and it really looked like I was going to win this, all of a sudden we were basically back to like it was the in the first couple of months of dating. She was being more open to me than she has been in a while. The Tuesday when she arrived home she said that she had spoken to one of her friends that is a marriage counselor. I asked okay, what did he say? She replied with a smile on her face that basically 'till death do us part, so we will have to make this work. Thursday she came home all happy, had a nice meal, nice chat with each other, got the kids off to bed, then took a bath together. In the bath she started crying and said, I'm done this is over. I said but wait we are giving this another go? To which she replied - I'm done. Over the course of the remainder of the 2 weeks, I tried to negotiate with her. But she just said I'm done. By the following weekend (end of our 2 weeks of trying to make it work) she had basically moved in with her sister.


By this time, I figured out that the boyfriend was one of her customers, 3 years her junior (33), divorced, no kids, multi millionaire, doesn't work as he doesn't need to.
I also learned that he promised her that if she divorced me he will cover all legal costs, settle all her debt and wants nothing in return. When I said I refuse a divorce and she has no grounds for one he told her to tell me if I agree to divorce her, he will settle all my debt - like literally buy himself another man's wife

My initial tactic was to expose the the relationship as friends and family would surely stand by my side and tell her she is making the mistake of her life. When exposed and confronted she told everybody including her own family: I'm doing this, if you oppose I will write you off. This has lead to friends and family stating we don't want to interfere as we love you both and don't want to loose either of you. Her personal friends, mainly consisting of colleagues seem to be in support of her decision. Our friends and family have yet to meet him but have all seen pictures she showed them on her phone.

Fast forward to today. She apparently stays with her sister and instated a rule of one week kids with me and one week with her. In-laws tell me that on my week with the kids she doesn't come home at all, only comes home the Sunday morning I'm supposed to bring the kids and leaves again on the Sunday afternoon after I picked kids up. She blocked me and mutual friends on all forms of social media. She blocks my WhattsApp's and only unblocks me when she needs something or want to make arrangements for kids. Whenever she does speak to me she is constantly baiting for an argument, when I tell her I'm not fighting with you she will throw the phone down in my ear. She hasn't filed for divorce but refers to herself as a divorced woman, when I correct her in stating you are not divorced she replies - divorce to follow shortly.

I can probably write a 20 Paige essay to give you all the info, but guess this will be sufficient to make a opening statement to my situation.

What do I do now? I'm 100% not ready to call it a day, although I must admit that it looks pretty bleak.

Welcome to MB and sorry for what has brought you here.

What did you say to everyone when you exposed? Did you follow the template in the exposure thread?

Who on OM's side did you expose to?

Did you tell your children?

Do you know what Plan A and Plan B are?

Did you follow Exposure 101 when you exposed?

How old are your children?

Also please read Exposing to Children

During exposure I physically went to our closest friends and family, explained the situation to them in detail and asked for their help. They all initially agreed but after wife threatened to physically break all contact with them if they oppose they reverted to - We love you both and don't want to loose either of you.

Not so close friends and family received a phone call, but same outcome

Her personal friends / colleagues seem to side with the ongoing separation / affair - I guess I've been demonized to them.

I still can not find OM, he is def doing a heck of a job of hiding himself, no social media no nothing. Wife also protects him with her life. Most I know about him is that his name is Nic / Nick.

I did expose to kids, they were shocked and condescending, but during their stay with her every other week she softens them to the idea and shows them pictures of him and say: See he is not the devil as your father makes him out to be.

Daughter:12 Son: 10

Yesterday during a phone conversation with my wife trying to put more pressure on her surrounding kids, this at least keeps her at bay somewhat and out of his house. She said she doesn't know why I care so much to try and maintain the family structure because in 2 years from now she is in anyways sending our eldest off to boarding school - Wait what?

Just sent a message now asking if I would mind keeping the kids for 2 weeks in a row as she is trying to figure out her new life schedule.

Also worth a mention on something that I picked up on over the years is that whenever a friend or someone we knew where the wife divorced her husband, this woman became like a hero to her.

Also a statement made about 3 weeks ago is that she always thought she would be single and date a bunch of men, she never envisioned herself to be just with one man again.

She also made the statement that when she feels the time is right she would like to introduce me to OM, she will try to not be so clingy over him during this meet and she doesn't want me to feel inferior to him because he stole her from my arms......

Welcome to MB. I'm sorry to hear about these events.

I'm puzzled, however, at the concept of "refusing a divorce" and her having no grounds for divorce. Do you live in a part of the world where one spouse can refuse the other a divorce? Or do you live somewhere that, while a man can divorce easily, a woman has only limited, very specific grounds?

You are correct in saying that your situation is bleak. Your wife has already moved out, and as you are clearly aware, is living with OM during the weeks that she does not have the children. To recover a marriage from adultery, a man must essentially win his wife over, after exposing the affair. That is Plan A. If exposure does not cause the affair to shrivel, the next course of action is to wait for it to die, in the hope that when it does, your wife will realise your strengths as her husband, and the man that stood by her. You should stay in Plan A for as long as you can bear it, meeting any needs that she will allow you to meet. When you can't bear it any longer, you move to Plan B, where you have no contact with her, to protect yourself. You can still wait out the affair, but at some point, if she does not go back to you, you'll have to accept that she never will.

The problem is that the affair is well out in the open, which means that exposure hasn't hurt them. They are living together, which means that OM is meeting all her intimate and financial needs. The only need you can meet is her need for family commitment, which you are doing by being a good father to her children. But since you'll do that anyway, even if she married him, it isn't an emotional need that you can withdraw in the hope that she'll miss it.

Are you prepared to wait out the affair, being as kind to her as possible while she lives with another man?

It is going to be difficult since this affair is entrenched. Did you expose to her workplace since this is a workplace affair?

Also, can you hire a PI to find out information on the OM? You need to expose to his side, especially his parents and any siblings or close friends of his.

Thanks SugarCane,

I am from South Africa, we have complex marital laws but same for both sexes.

Our law states mainly 3 reasons for divorce:
Infidelity - She can divorce me if she can prove that I committed infidelity.
Abuse - If i abused her and she has proof of this ie.criminal charges
If I leave the household for one year

These are the 3 main reasons a court will look at if she files for divorce and I contest it. There are others but seldom come into play. Obviously if I don't contest the divorce the courts will grant it.

Our courts are also at a point where they state that people divorce too easily. So in a contested divorce (I wish to remain married) and she can not prove one of those three points. The court will typically send you for marriage counseling usually once a week for a period of 6 months with a registered psychologist. If the psychologist provides the court with evidence that the marriage has broken down without any hope of reconciliation, the courts will grant the divorce. If the findings are inconclusive the courts may even extend the counseling.

That is a very rough take on our divorce laws, but gives you the idea.



Are you prepared to wait out the affair, being as kind to her as possible while she lives with another man?
This is more or less where I am at the moment, although I try to put as much pressure on the affair possible.I know the OM hates conflict and me constantly barking up the tree has him uncomfortable. He lives a party lifestyle with no responsibilities, now he has to contend with an older woman, she actually does have a husband who is constantly scratching at his door (I'm not that far from getting his phone number - changed billing on cellphone to include itemized billing), she has 2 kids she have to look after every 2nd week, etc.

What scares me more than the relationship is that she might be a WAW.

As I understand it, if you contest the divorce, you can slow things down for several months, but you cannot make her stay married against her will.

Well, but he chose the older woman with 2 kids that she has every 2nd week. It's not as if this is becoming news to him now. You might be correct, though, in that he will grow to realise just how tedious this is. If he is young, single and wealthy he can have his pick of a number of women who do not have her baggage, and even without your "scratching at his door" he might decide to have some fun for a while, and then drop her.

Could you explain, though, what you mean by "barking up his tree" and "scratching at his door"? How does your trying to find out more about him affect him day to day? How are you actually making his life more difficult?

Basically I can drag out divorce proceedings, in the hope that whilst I do this the affair dissolves. Also I can get her in front of a marriage counselor which I don't think might be such a bad idea, given I can get the right one with good Christian values. Remember she hasn't filed for divorce yet. Personally I get the idea she is dragging her feet with this on purpose, just to keep the backdoor open, might be wrong but just maybe.

Apparently the OM hates confrontation and is for some or other reason extremely scared of me. I have managed to make contact with one of his friends, politely asked for his number which I got refused. So I said well in that case please tell him that I'm not just going to roll over and let him have his way with my wife, I'm prepared to fight for my marriage. Also please tell him that he is not busy playing with a girl that he picked up on the street corner, he is busy stuffing with a whole family and I take my family extremely serious.

It took all but 20 minutes before my wife phoned and yelled "STOP INTERFERING IN MY RELATIONSHIP, YOU ARE STUFFING UP MY HAPPINESS!".
I got word from one of our close mutual friends that this caused a huge ruckus and he actually said to her that maybe they should rethink the situation, so the advice from the mutual friend was continue down that path as he wants to avoid confrontation at all costs.

Well, this is all good. A betrayed husband does need to confront OM and tell him that message, especially the bit about fighting for you family. And making him scared is wonderful - keep it up. Find a way to speak to him directly and tell him to lay off your family, but do not threaten him or lay a hand on him. The very last thing you want is to find yourself the subject of a restraining order, or worse, a charge.

Hire a PI to find his parents and tell them what he is doing to your family. Find his siblings. You have to do more than confront him by finding out his phone number - you need to publicly shame him.

What did you say when your wife screamed at you about stuffing up her happiness? Make sure you never scream back. Tell her you are doing it because you love her and want to save your family, and get out of the conversation quickly. If you get caught up in a back-and-forth with her telling you what you did wrong in your marriage, and your telling her why she'll never be happy with him, you will withdraw love units, not save them. And you must never, ever show anger when you speak to her. You must be gentle and loving in the face of her worse verbal abuse, or illogic. End any conversation that is confrontational quickly, to avoid being drawn into a fight. (Do not end it by putting the phone down on her!)

On this forum, we're never very hopeful about marriage counselling. What exactly is the brief of the registered psychologist appointed by the court? Is it to try and rebuild the love in the marriage, in order to save it? If so, how do they go about doing this?

Most marriage counsellors that we have come across, from our posters in the north America and the UK, do not see it as their job to rebuild a marriage if one of the parties wants out. They see their job as helping the couple to come to terms with the fact that if one of them wants out, the marriage is over. They focus on communication - which means listening to the unfaithful partner tell the betrayed one why the affair is justified. They then try to help the couple move towards separation in a civilised manner.

Now, as far as I am aware, marriage counsellors are not appointed by divorce courts in the UK or north America. Some US states seem to use use a system of mediation, but that is not the same as marriage counselling. On this forum, we have found mediation to be highly frustrating to a betrayed spouse. We have also found that when a couple facing infidelity uses marriage counsellors - of their own choice, and of their own free will - the counsellor suggests things like giving each party "space", which only makes the situation worse.

Since MCs are appointed by the courts in your country, they might have a goal of trying to save the marriage - but this is where you need to do your homework and find out their aims and methods. You do not want to end with participating in a system that only makes things worse.

This is where I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Pursuing the OM causes extreme anger with my wife, I'm scared it pushes her over the edge to the point of no return. When she does shout at me for pursuing him, I basically just say: OK, I'm not giving my family up without a fight, to which she replies: You've already lost.

I hear your point on marriage counselors and agree as when this whole ordeal started I phoned a few of them to get an idea of what they actually do, I got the feeling that they are specialists at facilitating the break-up, only one of those I spoke to an elderly gentleman said that he tries to push to keep the marriage intact for as long as possible. When it does get to that, should we be able to afford one we can choose our own as long as the counselor is a registered psychiatrist. I feel should we reach this point I can seek one out that preaches good Christian values and stands for the marriage. If you can not afford one of your own choosing you get a state appointed counselor. But remember she has not filed for divorce yet and refuses to see one free willingly.

Another sign to me that this OM is not the be all and end all is that for the last week she has started to slowly try and plant the idea in my head to give the tenants in one of our rental properties notice in order for her to move in there.

Most if not all our family / friends say that currently she is not the person they know. However they also say that she's made up her mind and if they even try to point out that maybe I'm not the worst choice in the world she gets extremely aggressive and threaten to cut them out of her life, so they rather just leave the subject of me alone.

Except my brother in law, remember she is supposed to stay there, well she only does every second week. He has a very open mind and can read people extremely well. He says that currently she is partying with the OM like there is no tomorrow and she is living in a world of fairies and butterflies. He says wait it out a bit longer, the bubble is going to burst - be there to catch her when it does. When he does speak with her he can sense that that there is something, just wait it out, don't make her hate you. And then the piece of advice from him I like the most: Remember, I got the other sister, you think yours' head is fried?

Please read what Dr. Harley says about confronting OM. Dr. Harley says “Betrayed husbands should confront OM”

OK, I have the OM's phone number. Trying to figure out my wording for when I phone him. Trying to get as much info from the forum before I do.

So I phoned him. He started out trying to deny everything. Then reverted to that she is busy getting divorced so he can't see the problem. Then reverted to if I want to go off on him to make myself feel better of my failures then go ahead. Then he said he is in the shower it is now 11:00 am here he will phone me right back 30 min and waiting.....

He did phone me back. Could hear he got his story straight first. Had a very amicable conversation with him. He stated that from the beginning he said to her he is not interested in a long term affair, he is not interested in raising another man's children. I made it very clear to him that whilst he is in the picture, my chances of reconciliation is drastically reduced. He agreed to phone her and end the relationship, I thanked him for his understanding.

I asked him how their relationship started. He replied that she was complaining to him what a bad husband I was and he was just consoling her.

Did you read this and listen to the radio clips?

Has your WW contacted you yet?