This post here: How to do plan b correctly. It says underneath the sample letter to also send it to the lover. I would like to know why that’s necessary.

https://forum.marriagebuilders.com//ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2482787#Post2482787

Thanks for the advice SugarCane, BrainHurts, and living_well. I have been trying to draft my Plan B letter all day, but I keep breaking down. I will post it later when I am done... Are you sure there’s no magic spell I can recite instead, to rewind the time? I don’t want to go through this anymore. There’s no path to take that doesn’t hurt.

Mustache, I would like to check whether the advice to send to the OW comes directly from Dr Harley. I'll need to check in his book, Surviving an Affair, but it's too late for me to do that now - I need to go to bed. I'll do it tomorrow.

If the advice does not come directly from Dr Harley, and if it does not seem appropriate in your circumstances, I would not send her a copy.

Your Plan B letter should be very close to the template provided by Dr Harley. You will need to adapt it to include a condition of entering a rehabilitation programme for his drinking, but there should not be more changes than that. We can work on that tomorrow.

Why not send Dr Harley an email now? He is the most helpful and dedicated person you will ever come across. He will advise you on your path forward, and also help with the Plan B letter, if you want.

Have you managed to listen to the radio show?

Why not write Dr. Harley?

Okay, thanks for looking into this.



What do you both think I should ask Dr Harley specifically? Should I just send what I wrote in the Op?

Yes, I’ve been listening to the radio show for the past few hours.

You'd be helping us as well as yourself if you were to write to Dr Harley now, early on in your contact with us. We are very focused in this forum on giving advice EXACTLY on the lines that Dr Harley himself would give. Those of us who have read his work, posted on the forum, listened to the radio show and in some cases, have done the online course, have found no advice that comes anywhere close in quality and effectiveness to that given by Dr Harley.

If you could get baseline advice from him about whether you should try Plan A, or should go to Plan B, and what the Plan B conditions should be, we would be confident that we were supporting you in the right way, and we would be able to use his advice for the next person in a situation similar to yours.

So I don't think your email needs to have as much detail as your first post, but it needs to explain the alcoholism (he will see this as very significant, and he is an expert on addictions), the broad details of your marriage, the broad details of the affair and how you exposed it, the fact that you moved out but you have had some contact with him, the fact that you can see their continued contact via your online phone account, and the question of whether to be in Plan A or Plan B. If in Plan B, what should be the conditions that you put in the letter.

I checked, and that recommendation did not come directly from Dr Harley's writings. I don't think you should copy your letter to OW, but please post it here first for checking.

Hello, I will be on Dr. Harley’s radio show tomorrow.

I take it that the date will be the 26th?

Wonderful news. Thank you for letting us know.

Yes, the 26th.

Have you been on yet? They seem to be still broadcasting the show from the 25th (it's the 26th as I write).

Could you sum up the advice? Thanks.

The show that is up now, the 27th, is the one I’m on. I thought the shows were broadcasted the same day.