Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
#3015619 07/26/21 09:13 AM
Joined: Jul 2021
Posts: 2
G
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
G
Joined: Jul 2021
Posts: 2
Hi everyone

What should I think if my wife did the following:( I discovered all this on an old phones messages)This happened 5 years ago but I only discovered it a couple of months ago

She deflects, blames me, adamant the were only friends and she did not do anything wrong.Below is the facts, would you also be upset and feel betrayed?

Hid a friendship with a co worker after I told her that he likes her.
6months after honeymoon started picking fights,avoiding me and focusing on minute flaws Ive had for 4 years prior together
Withheld intimacy and sex as punishment for said flaws
Complained to friends about me and her marriage
Discussed my private issues, marriage problems and complained on the shoulder of this guy
Spend a lot of time at work, and avoiding the house as I'm there.
Totally missed my problems and well being

Around a year after this started the guy was married and moving abroad

She told him she has feelings for him but wont cheat at a wedding I was with her.
6 weeks later it was his farewell party, she made up an excuse and we never attended.
The next day she was crying, in bed, messaging friend on how sad she is etc etc and she sent him a farewell message telling him how wonderful he is, he understood her like few others , his wife is a lucky woman, she loves him and will miss him terrible.
1 month later she downloaded 12 self help video on how to save a marriage after an emotional affair.

I believe she loved this guy, why else would she betray me and confess feelings to him....and I feel like the backup plan.

Am I wrong?












Need advice with Wife's EA
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
Welcome to MB and I'm sorry for what has brought you here.

Do you still have the evidence of the affair? Is she still denying it?

How long have you been married? Do you have any children together? What are your ages?

Do you think she has had any other affairs?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
Originally Posted by Gofaster81
I believe she loved this guy, why else would she betray me and confess feelings to him....and I feel like the backup plan.

Am I wrong?
Welcome to MB.

No, you are not wrong. The question is: what do you want to do about the situation?

Have you spoken to her about what you've discovered?


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Jul 2021
Posts: 2
G
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
G
Joined: Jul 2021
Posts: 2
Hi guys

Thank you for replying.

She knows I found all of the messages, we went to MC and she thinks its all resolved.

Talking about it results in her exploding with anger, deflecting, blaming me as the reason she enjoyed attention with another man.

So I had to drag the few answers I have out of her painfully. The MC she arranged first told me to write down a list of questions I need answered.

I did this and in the next session she started talking about the future, what we need to do m what I need to do etc etc. I stopped her and told her its fine and dandy but what about the elephant in the room?Why is she not giving me the answers as promised? I cant move on to rebuilding if I still have not answers. So she arranged another MC, this guy I know and I told her I don't want to do counseling with him. She lied and when we arrived, lo and behold , its the person I did not want to see.

He became sarcastic with me and I walked out before I lost my temper.

We have 2 children, 2 and 4. This emotional affair happened in the first year of our marriage, after the guy moved overseas we had a difficult marriage until 2 years ago.

After finding out about this "friendship" it started making sense and it angers me.

I told her if she was honest once the feelings started and told me I would have understood, but hiding it and then starting a family is selfish.

I would have walked away of the kids were not in the picture.

She blamed me all these years, even when discovering the messages I was still the bad guy.

She is a good mother and person but I'm a man, and I struggle with the fact that she made me 2nd in her hearts so soon.

Loyalty is everything to me, and its gone now






Need advice with Wife's EA
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
Originally Posted by Gofaster81
Around a year after this started the guy was married and moving abroad

She told him she has feelings for him but wont cheat at a wedding I was with her.
6 weeks later it was his farewell party, she made up an excuse and we never attended.
The next day she was crying, in bed, messaging friend on how sad she is etc etc and she sent him a farewell message telling him how wonderful he is, he understood her like few others , his wife is a lucky woman, she loves him and will miss him terrible.
1 month later she downloaded 12 self help video on how to save a marriage after an emotional affair.
You'll probably never be able to get to the bottom of this, but it's possible that this was a physical affair and not just emotional.

Also, it seems that their relationship developed alongside his relationship with his now wife. This is odd. I wonder if his now wife knew anything about this then. But although that happened, he married her. It could be that your wife's feelings were much stronger than OM's, and her seeing this is why she lashed out at you during that time. She made a fool of herself, and that's embarrassing for her to realise. And since then, the feelings she has had for him have continued to affect your marriage.

It's going to be hard for you to recover if you don't know the truth. You need to have a short period of time during which she tells you what happened during the affair, and when you can ask questions. You need to know this man's name and where he lives now (we would hope that he is still abroad and married, and that physical contact between them hasn't happened since he left, and would be very difficult now). You need to know whether there is any online or other non-physical contact, and if there is, she should be very willing to stop it. (I'll bet she has followed him on social media on and off). She should be very willing to let you have the means to check on her online activity now and in the future - passwords etc.

Once you've got the basic facts about the affair, and you have the assurance that she isn't following him or in contact with him in any way, and that she wants to work on the marriage, if you want to rebuild the marriage all discussion of the affair must stop, forever. If you bring it up again and again because you're hurt by it and you have doubts, this will harm your marriage and keep the affair ever present between you.

These are hard requirements, especially for you since you've only just found out about the devastating affair and are now questioning the basis of your entire marriage. I suggest you read all of the free materials on this website that outline the steps of recovering from an affair, and give them time to digest. Start here.

Finally, posters on this site have found marriage counselling to be often useless, and sometimes detrimental to recovery, and this seems to have been your experience. The one good thing about it is that your wife has been willing to do it. You should seize on her willingness and take the opportunity to counsel with Dr Harley directly. He is the founder of the Marriage Builders programme and this site. He will email with you and your wife (for free) for as long as you need it, and he will talk to you both on the radio show. He will convince your wife about the need for honesty about the affair and transparency going forward, and he will not make her feel defensive.

There is more advice we can give, but I'll stop now and give you a chance to reply.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,116 guests, and 67 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5