Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
#3015771 09/29/21 09:58 PM
Joined: Sep 2021
Posts: 3
A
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
A
Joined: Sep 2021
Posts: 3
Hello. 

I have been married to my wife for 8 years. We have 2 boys. There's a difference of 14 years between us. I married her when she was 19. I was 33. When I met her... She was doing a lot of chatting with different guys, dressing sexy, etc... I just thought she's just young and curious. First 4 years of marriage we were long distance. She was in the Philippines. Now she's in UK for almost 4 years. March this year I found her home with a guy. She said nothing happen and we decided to fix our marriage. Now in September I caught her chatting the same guy on an unknown messenger. I started digging and she has been seeing him since March 2020. Also from digging I found out she's cheated on me prior to her coming to the UK, after we had our first boy. As far as I know, she cheated on me for 8 years, except the times she was pregnant. She still likes dressing sexy and posting sexy stuff on social media. I have read a lot... And apparently she is a narcissist and a habitual cheater. 

I never cheated on her. I love her a lot, and love my boys. I asked her to take couple counselling with me. She refused. All I found out I had to dig on my own. She never opened and she was never honest to me, even after she got caught. 

Can I hope she will ever change? Am I fighting for a lost cause? 

Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,785
Likes: 1
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,785
Likes: 1
I'm sorry for what brought you here. I was married for many years to a serial cheater. Like you, I only discovered the pattern once I started digging. There were promises of change followed by a relapse 6 months later.

Dr Harley told me that the only way to stay married to a serial cheater is to be with him/her 24 hours a day, they can never ever be trusted. They are addicted to the chase; it gives them an adrenalin rush. The typical cheater, by contrast, falls into an affair by accident.

The serial cheater can never be permitted access to social media or have any unmonitored contact. That would be like an ex-alcoholic going to bars.

But the first thing to establish is whether she is, in fact, a serial cheater. Is it possible that this has been the same person throughout? If so, you have a much simpler task on your hands and we can help you. Your marriage had a rough start but with young children it is always worth fighting to save it if you can.


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,434
Likes: 7
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,434
Likes: 7
Welcome to MB. I'm sorry to hear about the events in your marriage.

Originally Posted by AlexUK79
I asked her to take couple counselling with me. She refused. All I found out I had to dig on my own. She never opened and she was never honest to me, even after she got caught. 

Can I hope she will ever change? Am I fighting for a lost cause? 
You can hope that she will change, but why on earth would you do so? What is she doing to give you grounds for hope?


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Sep 2021
Posts: 3
A
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
A
Joined: Sep 2021
Posts: 3
It was the same person. And a guy she knew. The only guy she knew in UK. They were chatting before I met her 9 years ago. Then the guy found out about her being with me and blocked her on fb. Years passed by, she moved to UK and we live 50km away from that guy. So she looked him up and they took off where they left. She's blaming me for not giving her enough attention.
Another thing is that I found a most intriguing conversation on messenger. Some guy chatted her up and told her he's married but looking for an adventure with her. She did not even asked for a picture with the guy. She just blocked him.
She told me she is willing for us to move further away from this guy she's been seeing, but what concerns me the most is the length of their affair and the fact that she's still trying to cover up the whole thing and keeps lying about it. Also she refuses to seek help. Also she made no promise that she will not contact him again....

Joined: Sep 2021
Posts: 3
A
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
A
Joined: Sep 2021
Posts: 3
Originally Posted by SugarCane
Welcome to MB. I'm sorry to hear about the events in your marriage.

 
You can hope that she will change, but why on earth would you do so? What is she doing to give you grounds for hope?[/quote]

She's not giving me hope. She doesn't care if I stay or go. She said I can do whatever I like. I'm trying to give me hope. I grew up without a father, and I do not wish the same for my children....

Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,434
Likes: 7
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,434
Likes: 7
Originally Posted by AlexUK79
She's not giving me hope. She doesn't care if I stay or go. She said I can do whatever I like. I'm trying to give me hope. I grew up without a father, and I do not wish the same for my children...
OK, but if you stay for the children, your marriage won't change at all. She has told you she doesn't care about you. Are you willing to stay and live with her cheating?


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,434
Likes: 7
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,434
Likes: 7
Originally Posted by AlexUK79
She's not giving me hope. She doesn't care if I stay or go. She said I can do whatever I like. I'm trying to give me hope.
You have no grounds for hope with her behaviour and attitude,


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,434
Likes: 7
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,434
Likes: 7
Originally Posted by AlexUK79
I have been married to my wife for 8 years. We have 2 boys. There's a difference of 14 years between us. I married her when she was 19. I was 33. When I met her... She was doing a lot of chatting with different guys, dressing sexy, etc... I just thought she's just young and curious. First 4 years of marriage we were long distance. She was in the Philippines. Now she's in UK for almost 4 years. March this year I found her home with a guy. She said nothing happen and we decided to fix our marriage. Now in September I caught her chatting the same guy on an unknown messenger. I started digging and she has been seeing him since March 2020. Also from digging I found out she's cheated on me prior to her coming to the UK, after we had our first boy. As far as I know, she cheated on me for 8 years, except the times she was pregnant. She still likes dressing sexy and posting sexy stuff on social media. I have read a lot... And apparently she is a narcissist and a habitual cheater. 
In what sense have you ever had a marriage?

You've lived apart for as long as you have lived together. She was involved with other men when you met and continued to be during the first four years when you were apart. She's been involved with someone all the four years she's been in the UK. She still sells sex on social media. She's still "a habitual cheater". She won't stop, and doesn't care what you think.

In what sense was this ever a marriage? What are you trying to save?


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,272
Likes: 2
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,272
Likes: 2


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.




Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (1 invisible), 28 guests, and 30 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Lethabo, Livn1dayAtaTime, widup, Reggg, Endlessvow
71,682 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,528
Posts2,322,563
Members71,682
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5