Hello,

I’ve been with my husband for 12.5 years now. When we met, he had an 11-month old son who I helped raise to this day. The boy calls me mom. He was never married to his son’s mother. When I met him, I just started working as a nurse in a small surgery center where he had been working at for a while. I had a bf and he had a gf. Soon before you know it, he started pursuing me. Calling me and texting me even when he was with someone else. I turned him down on several occasions only to realize i was lying to myself as I was actually falling for him. Needless to say, I ended my relationship with my ex and he ended his relationship with his ex. And we started dating. As people from our found out that we were seeing each other, three or four women came to me saying be careful. He’s trouble. Of course I didn’t know better, I didn’t listen.

Four years later, I was doing well with my stepmom role and he proposed to be right before we welcomed our second son. As our oldest was to start kindergarten, we decided to move out of state, closer to my inlaws and better school system. A couple more years, after, we finally tied the knot. A month after that was when my world came crashing down.

There were always girls. Texts, flirting here and there, it was hard to trust him. One month after our wedding, as I was looking at his emails and old contacts, i saw an email from a year ago that was from a phone number. ***Edit*** The email threat said, the girl was going on a date, she misses him, and she will always be his. Back and forth of all that. I looked at the number and it was so familiar but I couldn’t put my finger on who it was! So I called it blocked *69. Hello? I gave a fake name and asked who she was. She gave me a name that sent chills down my spine.

She was my best friend before moved out of state. The same girl who they pretended they hated each other. He used to say to me, she’s not your friend. And i always pushed for them to get closer. She a daughter my stepson’s age so i force them to go to chuck e cheese trips together in hopes they would get along. After all, hubby and best friends have to get along.

Long story short, she was threatening him to tell me the truth cuz she wanted him for herself. But he didn’t want that to happen and so he staged a fight between me and her. And made it look like we were moving out of state ror my son’s schooling when it was to get away from her. After all is said and done, we are still married, 6 years after finding all that out. After that day, we went to marriage retreats but refused counseling. Caught him a couple more times sexting- one with my cousin, and one with another ex.

To this day, he refuses tell me his passwords. Says I should have forgiven him by now. He mentally abuses me saying im bipolar because I’m always sad then happy the next, im currently in grad school and he says he wishes i fail. He’s always accusing me that i have someone else.

Yes there are moments i am happy theb Suddenly a commercial or ad on tv comes and reminds me of his betrayal. Then i see my kids and see that life is worth living, and i am happy again. I think i am depressed- situationally because even though it’s been years since, he has never really showed remorse. Never understood how much he broke me.

He always criticizes me, everything i do is wrong, i was a successful strong willed nurse when he met me. Now i am scared to make decisions on my own. Everything is always my fault even when it’s clearly his. Im so tired. Im so lost. Im so alone. I love my kids and i wish there was away he can change or a way for me to be ok with all this. I used to be happy and smart. I forget how it is to be like my old self. I feel unconfident, unsure, unworthy. I think he’s narcissistic. I know im not alone, i know there are plenty of people married to narcissists. Is there a way i can be my old me and have a happy home for my kids?

Welcome to MB. I’m sorry for the pain that has brought you here.

It sounds like your husband is a serial cheater and you and your marriage have never recovered from his infidelities. Dr. Harley has a recovery plan, but it needs to be followed.

Is he still talking with your old best friend? Is he having any affairs right now?

Thanks for your reply. Knowing someone read my post makes me feel not alone. Honestly, I have no idea if he’s still doing stuff. His phone and everything he owns is locked and when he thinks I can guess it the passwords, he changes it. A therapist used to tell me if i want to rebuild trust towards him, he needs to do everything he can to restore it. Even if it takes giving me his passwords. But he refuses. So I don’t know. I know passwords seem petty to most people, but for some reason, it means a lot to me.

Can you afford a PI? You need to figure out if there is an affair or not. Your marriage will never heal if you don’t know what’s going on.

So many things you said show your are a compassionate, giving person. A nurse (thank you) raised a child from infancy as your own etc. On the flip side your spouse seems to have used your compassion to continue a totally selfish agenda. I only want to say I am adding you to my prayers for strength, clarity and comfort. I know this site has the noble goal of preserving marriage, but the way I read your situation I feel you have been used as a tool (sorry not trying to be belittling) by your spouse to continue his life of cheating and YOU DESERVE a loving relationship.

Thank you. When I made this post, I had no idea how each reply was going to make me feel. I feel like someone understands me. I spent the past years listening to him say I am a horrible person. And when you’re told that almost everyday, you start to believe it. Thank you for your response and even more of a thank you for reading my long post. I cant believe people who dont know me can spend time caring enough to read a post meanwhile someone who i am married too doesnt care about me.

The thing is, if you want to get advice, you need to keep your thread active by replying to the posts you already have.

BrainHurts asked you a question about a PI. It's very important that you discover whether there is an ongoing affair.

You asked:

I think the only way for this to happen is for you to stop living with your husband. Your mental health has already suffered, and it will continue to do so as long as you live with his unreasonable behaviour.

Im currently a fulltime student so i have no means to pay for a PI. i see your point. Thank you.