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#3015170 04/27/21 09:23 AM
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Hi,

I am writing to forum so I can learn to repair my marriage. My wife and I have been arguing and bickering over the past couple years. A couple of weeks of ago she approached me about a separation, I was in shock. I knew we had issues and I felt that they would be resolved once I retire and have a career change. We are currently in counseling. It turns out I have a quarrelsome and nagging wife as the article states. I am changing my ways but I keep getting arguments from her when I plan on doing things to help her. What should I do? Should I keep doing what I am doing and ignore her negative comments? I think the stress of the pandemic lock-down and our difficulties of conceiving children are some factors. I have also been slacking on the responsibilities around the house and recently recovered from some depression issues. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated, thanks in advance.

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Originally Posted by Darkguy
Hi,

I am writing to forum so I can learn to repair my marriage. My wife and I have been arguing and bickering over the past couple years. A couple of weeks of ago she approached me about a separation, I was in shock. I knew we had issues and I felt that they would be resolved once I retire and have a career change. We are currently in counseling. It turns out I have a quarrelsome and nagging wife as the article states. I am changing my ways but I keep getting arguments from her when I plan on doing things to help her. What should I do? Should I keep doing what I am doing and ignore her negative comments? I think the stress of the pandemic lock-down and our difficulties of conceiving children are some factors. I have also been slacking on the responsibilities around the house and recently recovered from some depression issues. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated, thanks in advance.

Welcome back, Darkguy. Could you please provide more details?

What have you been arguing and bickering about?

Is bickering the issue that took you to counselling? What suggestions has your counsellor made? Are they working? (I take it they are not, since your wife wants to separate.)

What arguments do you get from her about your plans to change your ways? What plans do you mean? Do you discuss these with her? Why doesn't she like them?

Did you manage to have children despite your problems?

Have you sought treatment for your depression?


BW
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You were divorced in 2016. When did you remarry? How did things go wrong so quickly?

Originally Posted by Darkguy in 2016
Just a small update. I finally got the divorce finalized and I am now divorced. I still have custody of my son, who is 8 years old now. Ex-WW (feels great to type that!) is living with POS affair partner and they have a child together. She hasn't seen our son for over 3 years. In her defense she does live with POS OM in Hawaii. I have a question for post divorce forum members, so can I have this thread moved to the divorce section.

My question is that we shared a vehicle that she presently has and was found to be responsible for in the divorce decree. I tried calling the bank to have me remove but they refused to honor it. I'm close to buying a house and this charge off for this vehicle is hurting my credit. How do I remedy this?


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Turns out she was having an affair. I found out about it looking at her phone in January. I blew up at her, which was wrong. I’m in counseling for my anger now. She claims to broke off the affair and said it wasn’t physical. I don’t believe her, now she argues with me about everything, I think she pushing me away to make room for the other guy. I listen to the podcasts every day and emailed Dr. Harley in the past, I think she’s in the fog. I’m active duty military set to retire this year. She’s a full time student, she met the guy there. I asked her to scale back on school as we don’t have time to spend together. She went on a rant about how I put my job over her. I tried to explain how my job is different from her going to college, she want having it. I extend date ideas to her but she’s always busy. She claims I don’t support her even though I’m the breadwinner. I’m at a lost on what to do. We didn’t have any kids as she wanted to stop treatment. She did fill out a emotional needs questionnaire, I used that to adjust my actions but it isn’t working. I feel there is zero effort on her part. Any help would be appreciated.

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Originally Posted by Darkguy
Any help would be appreciated.
You didn't respond to the help I tried to give the last time you were here. It would be courteous of you to at least acknowledge the replies you get. You simply posted here once and abandoned the thread.


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Darkguy Offline OP
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I’m sorry.

You were divorced in 2016.
When did you remarry? I remarried in 2017. My divorce was started in 2012 and finalized in 2016.

How did things go wrong so quickly? I’m not sure. She believes in soulmates and that relationships should be effortless. I’m the opposite.

I hope the post is easy to read as I am using my phone.

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Are you saying your NOW wife was having an affair in January of 2022?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Yes. I called the guy and I think I scared him off. Or it just went underground.

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Originally Posted by Darkguy
Yes. I called the guy and I think I scared him off. Or it just went underground.
Please ask the MODS to move this to Surviving an Affair.

Good job on confronting the OM. Is he married?

You need to make sure this affair has ended. Have you read Dr. Harley’s plan to recover from an affair?

Have you exposed the affair? Who is the OM? How did they carry on the affair?

Are you deployed or at home each night?

Do you have spyware on her devices? How did you find out about the affair?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by Darkguy
Yes. I called the guy and I think I scared him off. Or it just went underground.
It would be good if you could post from a proper keyboard, so that you can say more and we can have a proper dialogue with you. Your one-line answers are not helping us to understand the situation. You can't hope to get proper advice if you give such scant information.

As well as the answers to Brain Hurts' questions, I would like to know more about your wife. How old is she? Has she been married before? Did she bring children to your marriage?

I'm just puzzled about how she came to marry you in 2017, and by 2019 you are bickering all the time - and it turns out to be an affair. How did things go wrong so fast? And having been divorced quite recently, why weren't you more cautious about remarrying so quickly?

You suspect that she believes in soulmates, and that when the marriage did not feel like that, she didn't want to work at it. Why would she think like that - is she very young and naïve? (You say she is a student.) If so, why did she marry you when you were fresh off a divorce and had a child? You had full custody of your son: how did she get on with the blended family situation - and how did you?


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You might be thinking that the answer to those questions does not matter, because Dr Harley leaves the past in the past and focuses on the present. However, I'm trying to find out how serious she ever was about marriage, especially given her attitude towards you today. After an affair in a short marriage without children, Dr Harley often recommends calling it a day and moving on. In a short marriage without kids, where she's already found someone else and is loyal to him, and where she puts "zero effort" into restoring her marriage and does not seem concerned about the hurt she's caused you, what is the point? Dr Harley would ask this.

That she doesn't want to have kids with you any more is a very bad sign of how she feels about you now.

So please try and give us a fuller picture of your marriage.


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Good job on confronting the OM. Is he married? No.

You need to make sure this affair has ended. Have you read Dr. Harley’s plan to recover from an affair? Yes but I’m not sure of how to find out if it ended. Asking her seems unlikely.

Have you exposed the affair? Who is the OM? How did they carry on the affair? Yes my father and her mother knows. I talked to our son about it as well. My dad suggested counseling. He really likes her, her mother doesn’t want to see us divorce. Her mother been married a lot and uses men for money a lot.

Are you deployed or at home each night? I don’t deploy home everyday.

Do you have spyware on her devices? How did you find out about the affair? No spyware. We have each other’s passwords and free access to each other’s phones. I was looking through her phone at Snapchat and found the messages.

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She was 24 when we married. We moved from her hometown to where we are due to my military career. Her affair started in 2021 august and ended in 2022 January when I found out. I have a son from my previous marriage she doesn’t have kids. Don’t know why I wasn’t more cautious, I thought I was but here we are. Her main complaints were how she had to do housework without my support. She wasn’t in school or working at the time. She was diagnosed with ADHD, once she was put on medication for it the arguments went away. She was also upset over our lack of dating. I believed I remedied that but I guess I was wrong. She is an awesome mother. Our son looks to as his mother as his biological mother is absent. We had some issues with his behavior but nothing out of the ordinary, she loves being a mother.

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She wants to have kids with me, she stated this the other day but the process was taking an emotional toll on her. We had four miscarriages. I let her know that I feel bad about it and responsible.

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I appreciate everyone's help. I hope I have answered the questions you all had. We haven't sat down and talked about just compensation for the affair. Should I do this in person or via email? If she gets upset about it, is it safe to assume that the affair is still going on? I am addressing the concerns she put on the questionnaire. I am losing weight, helping out around the house, drop most of my responsibilities at my job as I am retiring. We have scheduled a date for this Saturday and been dating regularly for the past three months. I am in counseling for my anger as I did blow up on her about the affair upon discovery. Our sex life is lacking and every time I see her on her phone, I get triggered. Should I let her know this?

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Originally Posted by Darkguy April 2021
Hi,

I am writing to forum so I can learn to repair my marriage. My wife and I have been arguing and bickering over the past couple years. A couple of weeks of ago she approached me about a separation...
What happened with the separation last year?


BW
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Originally Posted by Darkguy
She wants to have kids with me, she stated this the other day but the process was taking an emotional toll on her. We had four miscarriages. I let her know that I feel bad about it and responsible.
This is terribly distressing, and I'm very sorry to hear it.


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Darkguy Offline OP
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It didn’t go through. I thought I righted the ship and it was avoided.

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Originally Posted by Darkguy
You need to make sure this affair has ended. Have you read Dr. Harley’s plan to recover from an affair? Yes but I’m not sure of how to find out if it ended. Asking her seems unlikely.
You had a long thread running when your first wife had an affair. I'm surprised that after all the time people spent coaching you, you have no idea how to find out whether they are still in contact.

You said you have her password, and easy access to her phone. The answer is to install spyware on it and not to tell her you have done that. If she suspects that you are monitoring her, she will just go underground.

Have you tried reading your old thread to remind yourself of the advice you received?


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Darkguy Offline OP
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Read through my old thread. I’m currently re reading Surviving Affair. I encouraged my WW to as well. The affair is over, been snooping and installed the spyware. Haven’t seen anything yet. Thanks for your advice, I will post anything that happens from here on.

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