Been a crazy 4 months, I don't even really know where to start. I did the things you shouldn't, like begging and pleading to fix things and was so emotionally devastated that I was so easily manipulated.
Wife and I had been together nearly 13 years at this point, married almost 10 and have 4 kids(2 step children of hers, 1 mine and 1 together). She sent the step daughter from her previous marriage back to her father, something that was always a HELL NO before, and the other 3 are living with me in our home(Step son is her first born, father never in picture).

Our marriage wasn't perfect, nobody's is but there was no abuse or major issues. My wife was injured 3 years ago and out of work during this time with no income, I did my best to spend as much time and money as I could on things for her to keep her from losing it, but it's like it was never enough...complaints about not spending money we didn't have etc
I paid to get her real estate license in November last year so she could do something new for work, as returning to her old job was not physically possible yet. She winds up making some pretty toxic friends in this circle, and doesn't talk to the friends she's had for years much if at all anymore.

Find out in April she's been talking to some guy online, and some snooping I did it was inappropriate. I asked her to stop and at first I got "We're just friends, I can have male friends", asking again got me "Ok I'm not talking to him anymore"...stupid me.
May comes around and on a night out with these friends, comes home and tells me that it's over and she doesn't want to be married anymore, and had had a long talk with one of these new girlfriends for advice.
I broke down, asking why as things had seem to be going well and even improving on things she said she needed. She answers that she just isn't happy and wants to be happy. That's it, that's all she would ever give for an answer. I told her it must have something to do with the guy she was talking to, which she denies and says she hasn't been talking to him.

I contacted her mother, as we'd been fairly close(I'm not close with my family) and explain everything and ask for help. Wife will not talk to anyone, and winds up cutting contact with mother, father and sister who are telling her to stop what she's doing and work on her marriage. She yells at them that everyone is on my side and they can **** off etc. This contact is cut for a month after this.
She throughout the next month goes from being fairly decent at times, to screaming at me in person or over text/email that she wants a divorce and that I need to just move on.

Fast forward a month after me still trying to convince her to work on things, all while she had no plan on what she was going to do, she's trying to force me to sell our house and I finally concede. House is listed for only a week before she changes her mind telling me to stay here with the kids, during that time I had caught her out on a date with this guy, and had been withdrawing cash for makeup and hair getting done(She never wears makeup) and other things, and I confront her on it as her wanting to end things is because of this guy, not being "unhappy", she denies it and says "We aren't together, so I can do whatever I want". Another date weeks later has her sleeping with him, to which she confessed to me later on when we are working on things.
Decides she is going to move to the city in August and get an apartment there and has found a new job to pay for it.

I wind up going No Contact with her still living in the house for weeks, and she sends me apology emails and texts, and then tells me she still loves me but she doesn't know what she wants, and she's confused but willing to go to couples therapy and tells the kids we are going to work on things, but no promises. Is more affectionate and sleeping in the same bed with me at this point, but still kind of withdrawn. I tell her we can't work on things if she moves out, and she gives me a speech about how we need to learn to trust eachother again and bring the spark back etc...and I stupidly go along with it at the time.
We spend roughly 2 weeks like this, have a couple date nights and I help her move to her new apartment August 1st, and spend the next 3 days mostly there with her watching movies and helping her set up and shop etc, with her keeping me around for dinner and coffee etc rather than sending me home.

I leave after that point as I have work that week, and we're talking over text often and making plans for another date night and she's telling me how she's reading that we should have a timeline for her to move home etc, but over the next few days she starts being negative saying she doesn't think it's going to work and she can't get back to where she needs to be etc.
I at that point feel I've been led on and I start to realize that this guy is probably back talking to her again if not them seeing eachother. This is confirmed when my daughter shows me a snapchat post my wife had made that is blatantly pointing to her having been out on a date with someone. I confront her on it and our texts go downhill from there, with her back to slinging negativity and telling me "You know we're not together, it's none of your business" but also lying to me that she isn't seeing him(I got confirmation via a friend that doesn't agree with what she's doing, and that it is him, but doesn't want to get involved).

I make the angry mistake of telling her that I'm fed up with her leading me and the kids on, and that I want a divorce now based on adultery, and at this point I had already found out who this man is and had earlier contacted him and told him to leave my wife alone via FB, and that if need be I would name him in papers.
Something she had done to manipulate me throughout this was threaten to tell a lawyer I hit her, or have charges pressed...which in 13 years has never happened, but I guess exposing things at this point was enough to push her to do it. I now have to defend myself against false accusations, but thankfully have numerous threats of her doing so when she didn't get her way in the form of emails and texts.

I wish I had exposed this earlier, but she had hidden the OM so well it took me awhile to find out who he was, and have only recently found out who his family is and plan on exposing him to his parents. He is single with 3 kids of his own that don't live with him, works out of province most of the time and is the same age as me but totally doesn't fit what she's claimed she wanted from me to be happy...nor is he attractive at all, it just goes against her claims and affairing WAY down.

My post could be far far larger to give better detail, but I know I didn't handle things the best to try and get her to truly R and was manipulated big time right into causing her to blow up on me and hide him further.
Her own family says something is wrong with her, and feel she needs professional help, but can't get involved any more as she cuts contact off and won't listen to them at all.
I'm at a point now where I obviously need to stick to Plan B, but I plan on exposing OM to his parents and filing for custody and child support ASAP, as well as exclusive possession of our home. Her dad thinks I should still go ahead with filing for divorce as well, as he thinks it would scare her...she's cried before when I made mention of doing so prior to the blowup mentioned earlier, saying "Why can't you just wait the year while we're separated?".

I love this woman, she has never been unfaithful in the past for certain, and I want her to come back to her family...I know I can't make her do anything though.

Welcome to MB and sorry for what has brought you here.

Do you want to save the marriage? No one would fault you if you want to go straight to divorce.

I agree you should do a proper exposure. Who knows n OM’s side can you expose to? How did she meet this man? Was it through work?

Have you read the exposure thread?

Have you been tested for STD/I?

Please read Exposure 101 and tell us what your plan is on exposing.

Since you have his FB information get his contacts for later. Concentrate on his parents, family members and close friends.

His contacts are private, as are my wifes in order to hide eachother since family and friends know his name, they can't see him on her Facebook friends list...I had been given info to look up his parents and confirmed from posts that they are his parents. Nobody can seem to tell if he has siblings or close friends based on Facebook.
She met him online somehow and took things to Snapchat to communicate for awhile...where their messages would automatically disappear.
She considers having told me she wants to separate/divorce and that we're not together anymore, that she hasn't cheated. The affair started emotionally first...as far as I'm concerned she has and continues to.
She took it physical while still living here for over 2 months, and expected to continue sharing finances...I put a stop to that within a month, and we no longer share ANY finances.

I plan on messaging them and informing them their son got involved with a married woman who left her husband and kids, and that I am willing to forgive her and work on our marriage but that it needs to end.

I have not been STD tested, as I refused to sleep with her on finding out and hadn't since shortly after she decided to separate in May, she agreed to get tested during the few weeks she appeared to want to work things out, but things went south before I could find out the results.

I absolutely do want to save my marriage, this isn't who she is and never has been. I've been very willing to forgive from the start, and still am if she is willing to put in the work and mean it.

Please read the exposure thread and there are templates and a plan on when and who to expose to. You want to expose all on one day. In there you will ask them to put pressure on the APs to end the affair. If you follow the template it will show them that you’re doing it to save your marriage.

I will also link some threads where Dr. Harley recommends that BH (betrayed husband) confront OM (other man).

And she can say what she wants, but you were still married and she had an affair.

Have you told your children? What are their ages?

Please read Exposing to Children

Please read “I Encourage BHs to contact OM”

Who do you plan to expose to on your WW’s side and on OM’s side?

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair?

Do you have spyware on her devices so you can confirm if the affair is over?

Our children all know, they are 11 and two 17 year olds that still live with me. I have contacted the OM twice so far, they are ignored and told to my wife who just freaked out over it.

My wife's parents and her sister are aware of OM, and as stated before efforts to dissuade her fell on deaf ears and saw them blocked from communicating with her. They will no longer try to discuss our relationship with her in any way.
As stated before I will be contacting OM's parents, they're the only contacts I have been able to get info on.

No don't have the book

Can't have spyware on her devices, she no longer lives in the home and none of her belongings are here

So you can’t confirm if she’s still involved in the affair? Can you check your online phone bill to see if they are still in contact? Can you hire a PI to confirm?

So the only people you have left to expose to are OM’s parents? When will you be doing that?

I have confirmation via a friend of hers she is still seeing him.
Phone is not under my control, all finances are separate.
Exposing today

I exposed today to both of his parents, along the lines of exposing 101 but in my own words and asking for them to use their influence or that of close friends and family members to end it and that I was willing to forgive her.

She is going to absolutely snap when she finds out...I was scared to do it.

Good job! I know it’s scary, but it’s the best weapon to kill the affair.

What did they say?

Have your children tried to tell her to quit the affair?

How is your Plan A? Are you able to meet any of her needs? In Surviving an Affair there is a case of Jon and Sue that is very similar to your story. The BH ended up going into Plan B.

Have you started getting everything lined up to start Plan B? Here’s a good thread to read.

How to Plan B Correctly

Also while you decide what to do it would be a good ideas to email Dr. Harley. He will give such excellent advice.

Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the broadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will receive a call to explain the procedure.

My step son is the only one who has spoken up to her about it, and she knows the kids know but does not care. Everything she has done is traumatizing enough I am NOT involving them any further at all.

I didn't know about this site when I had the opportunity to do plan A, but I tried working with her and being understanding about what had happened and give her what she asked for, all it got was me being manipulated and cake-eating...prior to false R and even after she had wanted to remain friends and even friends with benefits, I shut that down.

In case you missed it, my threat to expose got me hit with false charges in order to shut me up, something that had been threatened any time I didn't give in to her in some manner. There is no Plan A possibility at all anymore, I am barred from contact even if I wanted to, Plan B all the way at this point. If she wants to D it will be all on her to do so.

OM's parents have not replied yet, message has not been read by either yet, they could be at work.

What about my suggestion to write Dr. Harley?

Have you spoken to a lawyer yet?

I will consider it when I can think of what it is exactly I would want to ask, right now I'm waiting to see if OM's parents read and reply and if anything comes of it. I will know if it gets back to her for sure.

Will be speaking to a lawyer ASAP about custody and support