This is my story. My wife and I have been married for almost 29 years. I have had issues (addiction) with pornography since I was probably 10 years old. My wife caught me with magazines in the beginning before the prevalence of porn on the Internet. Once the Internet was available, it became worse. I tried seeking counseling once, but the counselor then was more of an enabler and said it was normal.

About 5 years into the marriage, I had a short-lived emotional affair that my wife discovered after the fact. About 11 years into the marriage, my wife found a photo of her sister I had saved to the computer. Her sister was a stripper. That was almost the end of the marriage. At this time, we had 3 children. We talked about it and went over all the hurt and deceit. She admitted to me then that she had had a one-night stand about three years into the marriage because I had not been giving her attention. We moved past this, but did not work through it. We did not do any counseling.

We had another child at year 14 of the marriage. Throughout this time, I was still having issues with porn use and wandering eyes. From this point, my wife was always suspicious and never really trusted me again. I had betrayed her, and she lost a lot of love for me. It got the point where she admitted about 5 years ago that she didn’t think about me when we were having sex. She refused to kiss me anymore and said it was a turnoff. She started counseling over a year ago to deal with other issues from her childhood and to deal with the hurt I caused as well.

I finally got the porn under control for the past 5 years. I have been going forward hoping that things would get better on their own. In my opinion, I have been the ideal husband. So earlier this year, about February or March, I tell my wife that I need more from her. I want us to be passionate again. She says she lost that and doesn’t know if she can get it back. I suggest counseling, but she says she is not ready.

In mid-July, we are having sex but during she says she is not going to “finish.” In an effort to get it over with, I rush through to completion. A couple of days later, she says she felt I was being aggressive and it made her feel used. In fact, she says she has felt used the past few years. She decides she needs time and doesn’t want any physical contact for a while. She says she needs time and space. This all sucks and hurts, but I do my best to comply.

So since July 15, 2022, we have had no physical contact or intimacy. She says everything else in the marriage is good, but she doesn’t think about or need the physical part. We started counseling, but she wasn’t ready for it and we stopped. I have pretty much been in limbo for 5 months. I have left out some details and other things, but I wanted to set up the background and get into what I found so that I could get advice and input.

I had a gut feeling that there was more to what I was being told was going on. I had even asked her if she was cheating at the beginning of August, which she denied. I had acknowledged my role in how my wife was and had been feeling. But I still had this gut feeling that there was something else at play as well. On Halloween, my feelings were confirmed.

That night, my wife was asleep and had left her phone unlocked; she had changed the password shortly after cutting off physical contact. I found texts and facebook messages between her and her best friend talking about one of my wife’s coworkers. From the texts, you could tell there was definitely an attraction there. When she woke up, I asked her about it. Her first response was to get mad at me for going through her phone, even though she has done this to me constantly since the beginning of our marriage. She then played it off as her and her friend acting like teenage girls and there was nothing to it. I asked her who the guy was (I already knew), but she refused to tell me and said it wouldn’t make a difference. This did not sit well with me, and I have had this unease ever since.
Things have slowly been improving between us for the past two months, but still no physical contact. I had still been feeling like I was missing something. After perusing this forum, I saw a post suggesting to look at google history. I did this a few days ago and found what I knew my gut was telling me. So this is the real timeline.

Wife starts new job in May. A couple of weeks to a month, she starts searching this other man’s name. At the end of June, she’s looking up topics about sexual tension at work and work crushes. In the beginning of July, she is looking up topics about older women dating younger men and should I get a divorce. Mid-July is the last physical contact and her telling me she needs time and space to decompress. Shortly after this, she is searching topics about how to tell if somebody is into you, how to tell make someone know you are interested in them, and the crusher…how to measure penis size.

At the end of July is where there are some messages with her best friend about getting mixed signals from her coworker. There are more searches about penis size and now she is starting to look at porn. Now she’s looking at astrology sign compatibility. This is the first week of August and I ask her if she is cheating which she denies. For the rest of August, she is searching for pictures of this younger coworker, looking up sexual attraction, looking up older women dating younger men; at the same time she is telling her friend she is done with me.
In September, it looks like she is finally realizing she is in over her head with this infatuation. Half way through the month, she starts looking up how to stop fantasizing about someone and why do I miss my ex. There aren’t many searches like the previous two months, but she is looking at more porn and occasionally looks up this person’s name. It is basically the same for the October, November, and the present.

A couple of nights ago, I tried to tell her I wanted to get past this attraction she had, but I needed to ask her some questions. She was more upset that I had found her history. This upset me and made me do more digging which is when I found all the stuff from the early months. In an event where I was trying to move forward, her defensiveness upset me and I chose to dig deeper. Now I feel worse off then before, but I still want to work past this as it doesn’t appear anything physical happened. It was definitely, in my mind, emotional infidelity. I feel like when she tried to tell me she needed time and space to deal with the things I did in the past, she was using that to justify what she was currently feeling for this new person.

I guess I am just venting and looking for advice on how to proceed and talk about this with the wife. She gets so defensive when confronted and the discussions escalate into arguments. Arguments which she promptly chooses to end and never finish.

Timeline of recent events (web searches and messages):

5/1/22 Wife new job
5/13/22 Search for male coworker name
5/31/22 Slender men with muscular physique
6/7/22 Origin of coworker’s last name
6/7/22 Search for coworker on US Phonebook
6/26/22 Sculpt away reviews
6/26/22 8 sexual tension signs
6/26/22 16 obvious signs someone is thinking about you sexually
6/26/22 5 body language signs a guy is lusting after you
6/26/22 Sexual tension sexual chemistry
6/26/22 Your body on love
6/26/22 Questions to ask your crush
7/2/22 More older women are dating younger men
7/2/22 Should I get a divorce
7/3/22 23 signs he secretly likes you but is hiding it
7/3/22 A guy secretly looks at you
7/3/22 Why are veiny arms attractive to women
7/3/22 Veiny arm image
7/4/22 Search for male coworker name
7/7/22 Male toned stomach
7/9/22 Outfits under 39 that are sexy without being too revealing
7/14/22 Best sex positions
7/15/22 Message to friend: Gotta let husband get some
7/15/22 Last physical contact between us
7/18/22 Is he trying to make me jealous
7/18/22 Compatible with libra woman
7/18/22 How to tell if you are being used
7/18/22 Being used to make someone jealous
7/21/22 DJ envy wife faked orgasms for 10 years
7/23/22 How to tell if hes into you
7/24/22 How to change your phone password
7/24/22 New gmail account
7/24/22 Sexy love in latin
7/25/22 16 definite signs a married woman wants you to make a move
7/25/22 How can you tell if a married woman is attracted to you
7/26/22 Is he just flirting or really interested
7/26/22 How can you tell if a man is just flirting with you
7/26/22 Married woman attracted to single man
7/27/22 friend talks about something sweet that made yall smile
7/27/22 Search for gym where coworker works part-time
7/28/22 How to measure penis length and girth
7/28/22 How to measure penis size how big package his fingers?
7/28/22 Text to friend about office games and not getting anything from coworker since yesterday
7/28/22 Friend responds: Until you know play office games, sweet guy likes you, you have choices
7/29/22 Search for gym where coworker works part-time
7/30/22 Average Caucasian penis
7/30/22 What is the average penis size by race
7/30/22 Average penis size white male
7/30/22 Top 25 sexy hairstyles for women that men find irresistible
7/30/22 What hair do men prefer
8/1/22 Pron 10:47 am
8/1/22 Do men like tousled hair
8/2/22 Do tall men have bigger penis
8/2/22 What actually determines penis size
8/2/22 Which zodiac signs are most sexually compatible
8/2/22 Libra and pisces compatibility
8/2/22 Pisces & libra compatibility is a match made in heaven
8/4/22 Waiting for text? (from who)
8/4/22 I asked her if she were cheating on me
8/5/22 She actually told me she didn’t appreciate my accusation, but I wasn’t far off.
8/5/22 Search for gym where coworker works part-time
8/5/22 What does it mean when a guy friend send me heart eyes emoji:
8/5/22 Heart eyes emoji meaning from a boy
8/6/22 How to know when a guy just wants to hook up
8/6/22 14 body language signs that he definitely wants to sleep with you
8/6/22 What does emoji wink mean
8/6/22 2 bedroom apartments
8/6/22 Signs your marriage is over quiz
8/6/22 Is it worth staying married for kids
8/6/22 Young man older woman romance
8/6/22 The 30 subtle signs your marriage is over
8/6/22 How to know when your marriage is over
8/8/22 Search for gym where coworker works part-time
8/8/22 What is sexual chemistry: - verywell mind
8/8/22 Love languages
8/8/22 Familycentre.org – 5 different ways to show love and improve your relationship
8/8/22 Can someone having lots of sex draw you in
8/8/22 Is he attracted to me or just being nice
8/8/22 Is he into me or just friendly
8/8/22 Sex, emotions, and intimacy: 12 things to know about attraction
8/8/22 When your body sexually reacts to a person
8/9/22 Friend asks if it was awkward when got back to work? Not egging it on, got scared for you, not judging, you’re a big girl
8/10/22 Signs a pisces likes you
8/11/22 Why having immediate sexual chemistry and attraction with someone is a bad thing
8/11/22 Immediate sexual attraction
8/11/22 4 reasons why you should avoid affair with married women
8/11/22 Young man sleeping with older women
8/11/22 What does it feel like for a younger man to sleep with an older woman
8/11/22 Dating a man 15 years younger
8/11/22 How to keep a younger man happy
8/11/22 12 tips for older women dating younger men
8/11/22 Can younger men keep a secret relationship
8/11/22 The 7 types of affairs – the infidelity recovery institute
8/11/22 Young single guys who sleep with older, married women
8/11/22 What you must know about attraction – sexual chemistry
8/11/22 Why we feel instant attraction to some people, but not others
8/12/22 Over my husband right now
8/14/22 When is a separation necessary
8/14/22 How do you know when to divorce
8/14/22 Marriagehelper.com when is it time to divorce
8/14/22 When to get a divorce: watch for 9 silent signs of separation
8/15/22 He young but still of age for you
8/16/22 Guilty about forgetting ring
8/16/22 Pisces men and sexuality – Love to Know
8/16/22 Pisces men in bed
8/16/22 Pisces male traits in bed
8/16/22 Search for gym where coworker works part-time
8/17/22 Latin women with Caucasian men
8/17/22 White men with latin women
8/17/22 How to stop thinking about someone
8/17/22 How to stop fantasizing about someone
8/17/22 How to get over a crush
8/18/22 Search for coworker’s name
8/18/22 Don’t know if I want to be with him anymore, this had to happen been avoiding feelings, don’t think it will ever be same, love affection went out the door long ago, don’t want to work on it anymore
8/18/22 My husband is an [censored], spent so much energy to end up in loveless marriage
8/20/22 Is it ok to sleep with a married woman
8/20/22 How to seduce a married woman
8/20/22 Search for gym where coworker works part-time
8/20/22 Everything you wanted to know about the male sex drive
8/20/22 What is the sex drive of a 30 year old male
8/20/22 10 alpha male body language tricks…
8/20/22 Body language signs of flirting
8/20/22 Does he like me
8/20/22 Can a married woman and a single man be “just friends?” - Evie
8/21/22 Workplace flirting signs
8/21/22 Flirty or friendly? 12 signs your coworker…
8/23/22 Mentioned bringing up separation to me
8/25/22 Average 50 year old woman body
8/26/22 20 signs a pisces man is playing you
8/26/22 Sleeping with a pisces man too soon
8/26/22 Single pisces man
8/26/22 Search for coworker on clustermap (addresses)
8/26/22 Pisces horoscope
8/26/22 Men with big penis
9/2/22 Search for church where coworker may attend
9/3/22 Search for gym where coworker works part-time
9/3/22 Search for relatives of coworker
9/11/22 Search for coworker high school graduates 2008
9/12/22 Pisces and libra compatibility
9/12/22 Matthew 19:6 So they are no longer two, but one flesh
9/12/22 No man shall separate what God
9/14/22 Search for gym where coworker works part-time
9/15/22 Pron 1:46 PM
9/17/22 Pisces and libra compatibility
9/17/22 Search for gym where coworker works part-time
9/21/22 Olvera boudoir
9/21/22 Why do I miss my ex
9/25/22 Pron 10:11 pm
9/25/22 Search for my name
9/26/22 Message to friend: Marital counseling today, just here with nickname for coworker
10/3/22 Search for coworker’s family crest
10/4/22 Pron 5:29 pm
10/7/22 Message to friend: coworker looks hot today
10/7/22 Search for coworker’s last name
10/17/22 Pron 5:40 pm
10/19/22 Message to friend: In office about to see my bf
10/19/22 Pron 7:34 pm
10/20/22 Search for coworker’s name
10/28/22 Pron 4:24 pm
10/28/22 Search for coworker’s name
10/31/22 Message from friend: I see you leaning into coworker and blushing (reference to work group photo)
11/1/22 Pron 5:34 pm
11/1/22 Search for gym where coworker works part-time
11/1/22 Photo search of coworker
11/3/22 Search for gym where coworker works part-time
11/7/22 Pron 9:20 pm
11/9/22 Pisces horoscope
11/9/22 Search for gym where coworker works part-time
11/11/22 Pron 4:48 pm
11/14/22 Bumble
11/14/22 Match.com
11/14/22 Bumble app
11/26/22 Pron 7:57 pm
11/28/22 Pron 5:46 pm
11/28/22 Pron 12:24 am
12/2/22 Search for coworker 10:20 pm
12/2/22 Search for coworker 7:33 am
12/4/22 Pron 11:37 am
12/11/22 MY NOTES: I wanted to get past what I thought was just an attraction between you and coworker, but you were really infatuated with this guy. You looked up a lot of stuff regarding compatibility, age difference dating, sexual chemistry, and white guy penis size. And you have been looking at quite a bit of pron lately, while I am right here waiting to try and connect with you. I am devastated. I am worse off than I was before. I wouldn’t have dug deeper if you had just been honest about what was going on. Instead, you deflected and put it back on me for going through your stuff and finding all this junk. You are also being very hypocritical in that you have done the exact same thing several times over the years. You say it’s all about what has been building up from the years, and maybe that’s true to an extent, but this also looks a lot like an infatuation that has made it hard for you to reconcile with your husband. The deceit makes it hard for me to know what is really the truth. I had actually written this scenario down on Thursday when I found you were lying about your party. It turns out that my gut feeling about all this was correct. In fact, as evidenced by your web history, you were contemplating this stuff about 2 months before you decided you weren’t going to let me “use” you anymore. I feel like I’ve been played for possibly 7 instead of 5 months.

Welcome to MB.

So do you have any proof that she’s talking with the guy? Is he married or have a girlfriend?

He is a coworker and single father. According to my wife, this is all one sided; except for whatever signals he understood my wife might be sending. I don't see any evidence (I have access to her phone and computer) of any conversations outside of work.