Thank you for all the support you (marriage builders) give.

Let me start with short background:
Me (BH) 50 year old
WW 42 year old
DS 9 year old with ADHD


We had a pretty good life, little bit boring but we travel a lot as a family. We have family nights where we play board or card games. We kissed good night every night and say said love you every day. Never been nasty or nasty fights or disagreements. WW have been saying that we are more like friends, as we have been drifting apart. We have discussed that we would go to marriage counselling before it is to late, 3 of our close friends have divorced unexpectedly. My task was to find a marriage counsellor, It took me a very long to find one but I did. After our 2nd meeting wife confessed to sleeping with someone, lots and lost of lies followed. I have always trusted her very much but this has been a pretty big shock and my #1 emotional need is honesty and openness. The OM is a friend from her youth, he told WW that he is in an open marriage. I contacted OM wife and she said yes they decided to open their loving and trusting marriage a year prior, they are married for 16 years if I remember correctly. I told her that I am not in an open marriage. OM said from the beginning that they have strict rules and they "can have fun like one night stand" but not affair or continue meet up for sex. Sad but OM wife gave me the correct dates I understand the lying to some extent....they had sex in our house in my son´s room on spare mattress if I can believe it. I will add the dates what happened and my question below.
08JUL23 kissing in festival
09JUL23 WW tests OM
23AUG23 -27SEP23 check possible marriage counsellors and we make appointment for the 06NOV23, only time available
05OCT23 WW and OM meet for lunch
07OCT23 WW and OM sex
08OCT23 WW text OM he does not respond
15OCT23 WW test OM "How do you feel about the situation?" he does not reply
16OCT23 we go to LEGO land all seems good
O6NOV23 we go to counselling, wife is clearly stressed (She decided she will tell/ confess but did not) Told counsellor that we are both 100% committed to the marriage,
07NOV We manage to talk and sort out many misunderstandings by our selves.
10NOV23 WW text OM "wants to meet to clear things up"
22NOV23 marriage counselling nothing special. Later at home WW confess to cheating but lie about details....
23NOV23 WW told that she lied about the details, it was not before COVID but still lied...told she will never meet him again....he is from an other town.
24NOV 23 WW meet with OM in pub. to get some CLOSURE and they talked about the open marriage
24DEC23 I found a picture of WW and OM and his contact details from WW phone. WW change passwords.
25DEC23 WW text a warning to OM that I might call him
05JAN24 OM wife give me the correct dates what happened. I told wife that I can not handle all the lies, she tell me now the truth or we divorce, every time she change " facts" I start the entire process again.... she did tell me all the details.

The marriage counsellor is pretty useless, very expensive and I asked what should I do, I/ we need some tools or guidance and all she said was "should try to find something and work on it...." We have been reading the books, surviving the affair, love busters and his needs her needs. This has helped us the most. WW did not agree that we should learn how to meet each others EN, she said well I accepted you how you are, I answered yes and the you cheated on me. After sometime she said we have to change what we do/ act not who we are, and after this she is more will to make changes. We are also doing the course #2 in MB.

My questions or what I do not understand is what "closure" did she need from OM 24NOV23? OM told her from beginning that one night stand but nothing else. I feel that she betrayed me again even we were going to counselling by "getting closure". I hate to live in this house at the moment.

Welcome to MB and I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

Glad you found Dr. Harley. Has she committed to NC with the OM or are they still in contact? Has she taken extraordinary precautions to avoid this from happening again?

You said she knew this guy from old friends. How did they start their affair? Were they talking on social media and it went from there?

Does anyone in your circle know about her affair? Have you told your DS9?

Hi BrainHurts.

Thank you for your reply.
Yes WW have committed to NC with OM. The OM have also committed to NC according to his open marriage rules. The OM wife also confirmed this.
Yes WW have have taken extraordinary precautions, I have passwords and access to WW phone, She deleted all contact information from OM.

OM is an ex boyfriend of WW best friend, they met at a festival and have not seen in 20 years. WW got drunk at the festival and was intrigued by open marriage and how much he and his wife love each other and how open they could talked. They kept in contact via whatsapp, he does not have any other social media accounts.

WW have told her friends, including best friend and ( OM ex boyfriend), WW best friend contacted me and said WW have made a very big mistake, and wants 100% fix our marriage. I also asked from her to explain the "clear things up / closure" to me. WW and OM had sex on 07OCT and wanted to get closure/ clear things up 24NOV. But WW best friend did not answer my question, did not try to...

I have not told to my friends, they would all say just divorce her. No I have not told DS 9 with ADHD he has a lot challenges, he did see we are arguing and we told him we are arguing but we love him and that we not arguing about him.

Just wanted to jump in. I find our story similar as we also kissed goodnight each night, played games, but as my WW put it, it's like we are an old couple and just friends. I also have a 9 yo son. There is a good tread about that: https://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2566583#Post2566583

I did tell my son; basically it's so that he knows what is going on and not confused or worse, blaming himself. He balled out crying, saying he didn't want us to divorce. I told him that what my WW is doing is unacceptable in marriage, but he needs to still love her. He might not accept what she is doing, but he needs to love and accept her as his mom. It worked out; he is coping well 7 days after exposing to him. My wife is absolutely pissed that I told him, she feels he is too young, but I stand by my decision. It is also a life lesson; if my son can learn from this when he grows up, I hope he will have a stronger marriage.