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Joined: Sep 2020
Posts: 68
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Hello there Guys,
I am back after more than a year, when Dr. Harley personally assured me that my wife is seeking escape from me by affair or any other method.

Message from Dr. Harley on March 10, 2023

Your wife will eventually have another affair, and there is no way to stop her if that is her goal. Arranged marriages can work if both spouses are willing to do what it takes to make it work, but she has never really been on board. I don't think that she has ever wanted to be married to you, and has been looking for someone else to spend her life with. I don't see how your marriage can become anything other than a disaster for you because one spouse cannot save a marriage if the other is determined to be independent. He can be thoughtful, willing to meet her needs, and very committed, but in the end, he will find himself exhausted and depressed. Accepting her child from another man was incredibly generous and kind of you, but your generosity has been met with disrespect and disdain by her. You need to start thinking about ending this by revealing to everyone in your family that her child is actually the result of her affair with your cousin. That should get the ball rolling. Both Joyce and I are very saddened by what you have had to put up with. You don't deserve it.


Since Last March,
We moved away from Joint family of Brother and parents to leave by ourselves, since than she tactically abandoned me by going to Clubs, Bars, Restaurants alone with her work colleagues and isolating me by staying over night at friends house while I was babysitting our son during holidays.

I recently discovered an affair with work colleagues but she does not want me to talk to the AP, she says that she fell in love with him 4 months ago, but I know of this colleague since last year and I was warning her about their interactions on instagram and whatsapp from that point on.

She is sponsoring her parents to come over from India on travel visa, so they can babysit the child while she is seeking separation from me.

She wants top start a Restaurant partnership business with me despite seeking divorce from me, she wants her father to work there who doesn't have work permit and to sponsor her brother to come over on LMI work visa sponsored by the company when we own the business.

She seems very fake as always getting distressed about separation, resistance and being difficult while becoming all loving self the next moment when AP calls; is this normal?


what do you guys think of this situation? Should I try to save this marriage or its all in vain?

Joined: Oct 2011
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Hi canadien74,

It is all in vain, as Dr. Harley already told you. There is no marriage to save. He is the expert and you should listen to him. He predicted exactly what would happen and that is what is happening. She is using you selfishly and now is in another affair as Dr. Harley predicted. If you stay married to her, there will be more affairs. It will never be the way you dream of with her.

I think you are more than justified to divorce this woman. I think exposure of the father of the child and the current affair is key, as this starts the process and communicates to your families the truth and does not allow your wife to spin her own false stories and blame you for everything. It is not your fault. Follow Dr. Harley's advice on this. Then you get a divorce and share custody of your child and create a new life. It is scary, but people do it every day and you can too. You are a strong person to go through this and keep going, but eventually you will be depressed and exhausted, and probably you are already. You will look back and eventually think why did I go through this with this woman for so long. You will find someone else so much better than this woman, as you are a good person.

I do not know you, but I think you are writing because you do not want to disrupt your family and you hope she will change. You want someone to give you a way to not do what Dr. Harley advises. But no one will, because that is not possible and is a mistake. Follow his advice. Start today.


Me: BH
Marriage: 22 years
2 kids
D-Day 5 Sept 2011
EA w OM started Fall 2010, PA w OM Spring 2011, OM died end Sept 2011

Joined: Sep 2020
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Hello there guys,
Out of anxiety and having my psychological layers broken as my wife was asking for my approval for her affair, and I should talk to AP about her love for him;

I Contacted the AP yesterday who was unaware about my wife previous affair and a son she said came out from IVF treatment and not the affair, AP is ending their relation and is saying they were together from Last March; the same time line when DR.Harley said she was seeking another AP by going out alone with friends and abandoning me.

Now, my wife is confronting me about why I contacted the AP, and wants me to take responsibility for my actions for ending their affair, am I a bad person here?

how would you explain yourself and defend yourself if my 1 conversation with AP ended their Affair?

my Gut feeling says I did the right thing but my friends are telling me that I made a wrong move and should have just let their affair continue.

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Hi again,

Can you remind if you ever exposed the past affair to your family and her family? Exposure is your most powerful weapon as I understand from Dr. Harley's teachings. It worked wonders for me in my situation even when I did it half-heartedly and over too long a time and with people in another language where it was difficult for me to express this with the nuance and details it needed. It still helped! If not any exposure to your and her family, now you have a 2nd chance to do it with this new affair. This is so important and it is probably the only strategy that can have any chance of working with your wife. Otherwise eventually she will leave you for someone else once she finds the right affair partner. It will happen now or later.

To answer your question, no you are not the bad person, but your wife is saying that because she is having an affair. She is not thinking clearly and is saying selfish nonsense. She is blaming you for messing up her secret. Have you read Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley? This is all explained in his book, the mind-set, etc. and the steps you should take that give you the best chance. There are also articles on this site that explain it as well.

Your friends are not experts on affairs like Dr. Harley. They mean well, but they have no idea what works. They are telling you to maintain the status quo and let her emotionally break, hurt, and abuse you. Do you see how ridiculous that sounds? If your friend told you about his wife having an affair, would you tell him to ignore it and pretend all is ok? After all you have experienced? I hope not. That would be a betrayal of the friendship. Saving face is not as important as your emotional health.

Is her AP married?


Me: BH
Marriage: 22 years
2 kids
D-Day 5 Sept 2011
EA w OM started Fall 2010, PA w OM Spring 2011, OM died end Sept 2011

Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 278
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Posts: 278
Also, why are you posting in the divorcing thread if you have no intention to divorce her? I think the standard approach here is to stay in your old thread unless something has majorly changed. It seems in your case nothing has changed. You started posting here during her 1st affair, and now you are posting again on her second affair. You should ask the mods to combine your two threads so people can read your story and know the entirely I think. Anyway, that is what I would do. I think you should be in the having an affair thread.


Me: BH
Marriage: 22 years
2 kids
D-Day 5 Sept 2011
EA w OM started Fall 2010, PA w OM Spring 2011, OM died end Sept 2011


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