To cut a long story we had an incident that was over nothing, just the kids arguing and "someone" smashed our windows (yep it was this other girls Dad). He is a complete idiot - been in prison etc. Police can do nothing - person who did it had a motorbike helmet on etc.

To be honest, I want to move on, it was hassle but I really want him coming back and things escalating. Wife on the other hand seems obsessed on paying him back somehow. We agreed to keep it quiet because we really didn't want to antagonise things knowing how little we can do about it. Shes now on a mission to tell everyone about it.

I've tried to explain that her actions affect everyone, inc the kids. She just won't listen. Its got to the point where I had to get really serious and basically say look cut it out or things are going to be bad between us.

Now its my fault because I'm telling her what to do and trying to control her apparently. My take is this is REALLY important and in a couple you can't just go off and do what you want. She just does not seem to care - its become an obsession now.

I really don't want to split we've been married a LONG time but I don't want to be concerned about some stupid things my wife does in the future for ever. Its not the first time either.

Any advice?

Welcome to MB.

Have you read on this site about the Policy of Joint Agreement? It shows a couple how to make decisions that affect both of them. It rules out one party, your wife in this case, implementing a unilateral decision that upsets the other. It also rules out ultimatums and threats, such as yours to make things "really bad between us". The result of both these attitudes is that the marriage becomes a war between duelling dictators. That is no way to live. You need to find a "win-win" solution, one that you are both happy with. Until you find such a solution you both need to "do nothing" - continue negotiating until you find a win-win solution. And negotiating does not mean arguing.

On your wife's side, if you are both sure of the identity of the man that did this, I can see why she would not be happy with just letting him get away with what he did. Why not get legal advice to see what can be done with the little evidence you have - for example a restraining order against him? But how can you be sure it was him if you could not see his face? You need to discuss all of this with a lawyer, and their advice should stop your wife from accusing this man when there is not enough evidence. If there were enough evidence, the police would surely act.

Would you really split up with her over this? That seems very extreme. What are the things that make this "not the first time"? The marriage must be in a pretty bad state if you would leave her over this.

Have you read The Policy of Joint Agreement ?

SugarCane makes some really good suggestions and observations, I am not a regular here; however, I have dealt with a similar dynamic and will offer up a few thoughts as you are asking for some advice...

It sounds like the guy who smashed your windows might have a mental health issue, especially if he has been in jail for similar issues - to me he sounds very dangerous based on your description.

It is also important to validate your wife's feelings on the matter, and discuss what the best course of action might be where both of you are in agreement. SC suggests a restraining order, that will definitely ratchet up the heat with the guy who broke your window. However, without any legally admissible evidence, it may backfire if the only thing you have to go on is a he said / she said type scenario.

It would appear that you want to avoid making additional trouble, and your wife is out for revenge - a disagreement - this is not the policy of joint agreement. I can see both of your points of view where each of you feel like you are right. The question should be is 'how to merge these seemingly opposite points of view into one of joint agreement'?

Perhaps, when you wife has cooled down a bit, ask her, within the context of what you both can legally do about this situation - perhaps a compromise where both of you can agree on a course of action to deal with the hothead that broke your window(s)? What do you think?

Please be mindful, if you do not set a boundary on your neighbor guy, his past behaviors are often indicative of future ones, and often those behaviors become worse without appropriate boundaries - is this something you can tolerate? In this particular situation enforcing a boundary might look like to call 911 with video of him doing the crime, and let the authorities do their job. What do you think?

If, I were to think outside of the box, and imagine myself in your shoes, I might ask questions along the lines of "I understand you are mad at the guy who broke our windows, and I understand how you feel that you want to get revenge on him - I get it. However, in order to hold this guy accountable for what he did - what can we do about this within the context of the law"? And, if I were your wife's shoes, I might suggest, let's get a security camera/ring door bell, to record what happens so we turn it over to the authorities for proper consequences for, I know it will cost some money; however, we will be able to better protect our home and feel safer in the future.

Thoughts?