I am 57, H is 62. We have been married for thirty years this year. I thought we were happy, enjoying life together despite some serious chronic illnesses in me, which are controlled with medications with moderate side effects. I was so glad that despite some disabilities, I could start doing my favorite sport again this spring. I do high level training with a coach three times a week. I am starting a second intense sport this fall. I am getting strong and fit again after years of being in pain. Yesterday I asked H what is the problem with our sex life? He went through some urology issues, which are now fixed with medication. Physically it has been better than ever since the medication, but I am always the one, who has to initiate SF. It is like dragging him to do it. Our sex life was never really good, even in the beginning, when I was in my twenties and size 8. For me it was always important, for him it wasn’t so much. For me sex is an expression of love. For him it has some dirty connotations. He always tried to put me on a pedestal to adore me. I refused to let that happen. I refused to act like a madonna. I asked him what is wrong now. He did not want to say. I asked him to be honest. Then he said something, that now has brought us to a separation today. He said that he does not want to have sex with me, because of my weight. I was so shocked. I am 5‘7 and wear size 14 now. I have muscles, strong arms and legs, a waist. I am eating healthy, small portions, no sweets. I drink maybe two glasses of wine a week. I am always watching what I eat. Step on the scale every day. I would like to weigh 30 lbs less, but despite eating small portions and exercising a lot my weight has been stable. I was so deeply hurt and shocked to hear him make this statement. I feel so unloved and disrespected. How can we ever move past this? How would we ever be comfortable around each other again? How could we ever have a normal and fulfilling sex life again? We had a big fight tonight, when I asked where does he see this marriage a year from now? What plan does he have to fix this? I got no constructive answers. Instead he yelled at me complaining about how I “always“ talk to him disrespectfully. I do no such thing. I told him that I regretted having stuck by him through all these years, through some very hard times, only to be told something so hurtful now. Tomorrow we are supposed to fly to Europe for our vacation with our grown child and two other of my family members. He said he is not going. He packed his backpack and left. I am deeply hurt and I regret with all my heart, that I have wasted thirty years of my life with this man.

You probably qualify for the understatement of the year award. I would bet "deeply hurt" doesn't begin to cover how you feel.

We have no idea where this will go.
I can't imagine all the things running through your mind as you are about to leave on what should be a wonderful family trip.

There are many questions we could ask, but time is short for you right now. . Let's cut through it all and remind you of something important to keep in mind when we face hard times with no guarantee of our desired outcome.

1. We can control our own thoughts and actions, but we can't control the thoughts and actions of others....including our spouse.

2. Since you have no control over what he does, think about what you CAN control.

3. Based on what you can control, and what you are feeling now, decide what you will do for the next few weeks.

4. You don't have to make any life big changing decisions right now.

5. At first glance someone might think this is about you, but it is not. As you know from reading here over the years, sometimes our partner is weighed in the balance and found wanting. It's sad, but the truth. It's not fair that it affects us so much, but that's part of real life. Sorry, so sorry for the pain you are feeling. Wish we could help more.

6. You can take it a day, or few weeks at a time. Since you can't know for sure where this wiii go, and you can only control you, what do you think will be the best use of your time right now?

SS

How much UA time were you getting a week?

Two months since my husband dropped that nuclear bomb on our thirty year marriage the day before our vacation in July. Well…we flew to Europe, tried our best to be civil to one another. Then a family member of mine got very sick and instead of two weeks, I had to stay 7 weeks in Europe, while husband returned alone after the initial two.

I have been back home with husband now for two weeks. We are trying to fix things. Read the MB principles again. Talked about emotional needs, love busters, undivided attention. Love languages. Listened to a talk about the Gottman method of marriage counseling. We are doing Weight Watchers together. I lost one dress size, 5‘7‘‘ and size 12 now. I enjoy my trainer lessons in my fav sport two to three times a week. Last weekend I started another high intensity sport. Three hours on Sat and three hours yesterday. My two sports don’t share the same muscles apparently. Lol. Got real good muscle ache today. Husband and I are planning a vacation to Rome for our anniversary and one to Patagonia for Spring. Thinking I should move this from Divorcing subforum to Emotional Needs subforum.

Grateful greetings to you all from
resilient hopeful IP

I am glad you are going back through materials that can help the two of you improve your marriage.

My wife and I learned that both have to be on board, and that we had to actually had to do the work, not just read stuff.
Note that I understand that you already know this, I wrote it for a review, in preparation to ask this:
Are both of you on board, and doing something at least weekly to make marriage improvements?

What is your take on the state of your marriage since that first conversation?
SS