I have a question for the married folks that I need some advice on. I have been married to my wife for a little more than 14 years. We've been together for some 20 years. We're in our mid 50s. I come from a large family with 6 other brothers and sisters. My wife is the 2nd of 4 sisters, one of which passed a number of years ago. Here's my dilemma. In my family we are very close and we always help each other out. Many years ago before our last remaining grandmother passed she had told everyone what of hers she wanted them to have. After her funeral when we were cleaning out her senior living apartment we all took what we were supposed to get and that was it. A number of years back when our dad retired from working he bought himself a brand new Silverado truck that he drove until his health prevented him from driving so he had always said that he wanted his truck to go to one of our sisters. Right now our sister had the truck and no one has said a thing. Most of us already have multiple cars in our own families. That particular sister already had a car but now she had dad's truck too. Anyway, mom is and will always be a Honda person. Back some 20+ years ago she bought herself a brand new Honda Accord that she babied. Every time she'd drive it when she got back home she kept a whish broom in the door pocket to sweep out any gravel and stuff. She keep the car in good running condition. She kept it at the Honda dealership for regular routine maintenance and checkups. A little more than a year ago she had an accident and the car was totaled. When it was totaled she only had about 85k miles on it. Yes, 85k original miles on a car that was more than 20 years old. She asked me to help her with the insurance settlement and replacement. Given the very low milage on a 20+ year old car she got a great settlement. Mom is in her late 70s so I told mom that she didn't need to worry about trying to start over making payments on a car. I found her a really nice newer model Honda Accord and took the settlement and paid for the car outright, no payments. I took care of the insurance settlement and the replacement. I researched cars and my wife and I drove to several car lots and dealerships looking at cars. When I finally settled on the one I liked I took my wife to the car lot and did a test drive on the car. It rides really well with all the bells and whistles. During the test drive I, of course, was driving. The car lot guy was in the passenger seat and my wife was in the back. We both turned to her and asked her if she wanted to take it for a spin. She said no.

Here's the thing about my wife. She's the type that if something isn't going to be hers then she could care less about it. When I showed her the few cars I was looking at she sort of rolled her eyes at me and the cars basically saying, "yeah, that's nice" but really wasn't looking at them. I took my mom to the car lot and we finalized the sale. I even drove the car home because mom isn't big on driving cars that have the paper tags on them or the sticker in the window. Yes, mom loves Hondas. Given that my dad had given his truck to one of my sisters I was talking to mom a few weeks after she got the car asking her what were her plans for the car after she passes away. I wasn't anticipating her leaving the earth anytime soon but might as well ask now before something happens then the car ownership is up in the air. She told me that since I helped her out with it so much I could have the car once she is either dead or is no longer able to drive. When I got home and told my wife what my mom plans to do with her car and that I was getting it she got really excited. Oh, now that that the car will eventually be in our driveway she got this sparkle in her eye. She even said that she can't wait to get a key to the Honda. Now I know that in marriages you share everything (mostly) but in this case I had to remind her that mom was giving the car to me and not us. Now that doesn't mean she won't ever get to drive it but it will not be the car sitting in the driveway so when she has to go somewhere she can just jumps in it. My wife already has her own car and I have an SUV, so this will be a 3rd car for us. But I refuse to let my wife wear out my mom's car. She is now babying this car like she did her first Honda. When I was looking at cars my wife seemed to care less about anyone I showed her but knowing now that the car will, at some point, be in our possession now she wants to get all excited about it. Every time we go visit my parents and walk up the driveway my wife will run her hands across the hood of the car and say something like "there's our car" or "I can't wait to drive you."

Would I be wrong to not let her just drive the car when she wants to? Is everything in a marriage "ours"? I don't ever sleep on HER side of the bed. She doesn't just use MY toothbrush. We don't wear each other's clothes or even sit in each other's spots on the sofa. So why does this car have to be OURS?

Am I wrong here?

I don't have time to reply to your question right now, but wanted you to know that I have read your post and will get back to you.

The best thing for you to do right now would be to read what Dr. Harley has to say about love busters. I think you can
find your answer in that information. Specifically... independent behavior.

Based on the things you have said, there's a lot more going on in your marriage that needs to be worked on than just this thing with the car. I recommend you get Dr Harleys books "His needs her needs" and "Love busters, habits that destroy romantic love" and read through them. I think it would help your marriage tremendously.

These books have helped my wife and I make our marriage into a much better relationship.

It may take me a few days before I have time to visit with you in detail.

You sounded pretty upset about this deal with the car. Are you doing okay?

I am sorry I did not get back to you in a timely manner.

You were asking for help for a specific thing that was bothering you in the moment.
My opinion is that if you (both of you) applied the things taught on this website, you would have the skills to handle these kinds of disagreements going forward.

Where are you at now with the car thing, and do you want to improve your marriage problem solving skills?

Most of the time we are not going to say "you should do this", or " you should do that."
We want you and your wife to know how to work through these things and still be in love.

Is that something you want also?