As the title says and justifiably so. My wife and I will be married 20 years this December. During the course of our marriage I have had 2 affairs. Both with the same woman. The first affair I simply put, felt inadequate and constantly ridiculed which pushed me away. The affair eventually stopped at my doings. I broke it off and focused on my wife and children. Things worked out and life was good again for about 6 years and same behavior and relationship issues. Affair started again. This second go around the affair went on longer and communication wasn’t stopping like it should have. I absolutely pushed it to the limit to where my wife had already visited an attorney and had paperwork ready to file. I begged and pleaded for her not to file for divorce and to just give it some time, I ended affair again. The other woman no longer lives in this city and I think that has helped a little bit. It has been 6 years now and our relationship has gotten somewhat better but not anything near what it should be. I did everything I could to change our lives and start over somewhat. I bought a bigger house, and grew my business exponentially which we both run together. One of the many mistakes I made after the second affair and the open door to divorce is stop my wife from going to therapy. My fear was the therapist was going to tell her to divorce me and move on. I felt at the time it was best for all of us and our children to just move forward and let me make the best life possible for us. One of the very few positive things my wife could honestly say is that I am a good provider.

This past summer I had a contract in a town far enough away that it didn’t make sense to drive back and forth everyday. So I left early Monday mornings and would come home Friday afternoons. This lasted about 2 months. Being away from home like that it started to fall on me that our relationship was trash. I felt like it didn’t matter to her if I was here or not. This really started to bother me as our 5 daughters are getting older and more dependent. Our oldest has already started college and it’s not going to be too long before they’re all moved out. It’s going by so quick.

I think in the beginning once I bought us a larger nicer house it was a distraction for both of us and things were decent for a few years. But we comfortably drifted apart and had been doing our own thing at home and really not spending any quality time together at home. We hardly ever went out alone somewhere. I would watch tv in the living room and she would lay in bed and read. But it was the trip and time away from home that really opened my eyes to the state of our relationship.

The problem now is that my wife has been comfortable the way things have been and content with our relationship. She does her thing and I did mine. This works for her but I have a big issue with it. I have tried the past couple months to SHOW her how much she means to me. Nothing manic but more I love yous, random notes 1-2 times a week and flowers once a week. I have been asking more about doing things together, a movie, tv, bike ride, whatever. Well, this new behavior has made her extremely anxious. My wife has always been extremely anxious since the moment I met her. She’s never sought out help for it. Talking with her I very much so pushed her into making time for her self and seeing someone about it once school started back up. She did and It is digging up a lot of the affair issues that were never addressed for her own mental health. I am glad she is doing this and working on her self.

We went on a date this past Saturday night which was lovely, but the car ride home she made it clear that she stayed for the kids. That we have never had the kind of relationship that I am pushing for now and can’t understand why. She got upset, let me know that she is still very angry with me and that I have ruined her. That our lives are so intertwined because of 5 daughters and our business that divorce would be extremely hard to navigate. I didn’t say much about anything and just actively listened to what she had to say.

I’m sure your thinking “well what about you and your mental health, have you worked on yourself?” Since the 2 affairs I finally admitted to being an alcoholic, although never abusive, and also learned that I am bipolar. I have been alcohol free and on medication for my bipolar diagnosis for over 6 years now. I learned about my self and part of the reasons that I was having affairs.

The crossroad that I find myself at now is that the efforts that I have slowed down on making were pushing her away. But I feel like if I don’t try harder, then she will think I don’t care and am comfortable with this situation we are in. I don’t know what to do. I know that what was working for her isn’t going to last once the kids are gone I just do not want that. I want to spend the rest of my life with this woman. I love her dearly and she is the strongest woman I have ever met. And you would not find a better mother. I think a part of me for the past 6 years was just waiting for her to come around. I didn’t push. I know the pain I put her through. I’m still to this day not trusted. I’m ok with that and understand why. I have full transparency with her and have this entire time. But she’s still “waiting for the other shoe to drop” and says she wouldn’t be surprised if I came home tomorrow and told her I’m done. I honestly do not feel this way. I know myself, and what’s important to me. It is and always will be her, and our children. I just don’t know what to do. But this complete “180” I have done since the out of town work and realizing that we aren’t in that great of a place emotionally is being hard on her. What do I do? I just don’t know.

Side note, there are intamcy issues. Our sex life is pretty regular and existent. It’s passionate maybe 1-2 times a month. Last night was the most passionate we have been in a very long time. Maybe the efforts are working and she’s battling believing if it is real or not? I just don’t know.

Just wanted to add that there are a few moments everyday where I look at her and feel extreme guilt. It's hard to look at the person I love most in this world being upset, and knowing that I am the reason that she is upset.

Welcome to MB. It sounds like your marriage has never recovered from your affairs. You said the last affair was 6 years ago? Was that the last time you actually had contact with any of your affair partners? Did you answer all your BW’s questions about the affairs? Have you stopped everything that allowed you to conduct your affairs? Hiding phone calls and messages and “working late” or whatever excuse you used to conduct your affairs?

Do you have the book “How to Survive an Affair”

Have you read How to Survive an Affair

Will your BW come here and post her story?

Have you thought about emailing Dr. Harley?

I have not read the book and will definitely give it a read. My wife would not post anything like that out to the world I don't think. As far as all the behaviors, as I said in my OP, full transparency. Between location sharing, for her and all of our girls, full access to phone records, email, anything and everything she could ever want, the affair partner is no longer living in this area. ( And I am very bitter that they get to move on happily and live their best life.) However, over the years the double checking and tracking has pretty much stopped. I try my hardest to not do anything out of the norm. If I do I always get one of the girls to go with me, or check in very often. Being self employed and always on the go, it has been doable and effective. The marriage has not recovered from all the affairs. She told me today that she is trying, but is still very angry with me most days and does not know how to move past that. I'm hopeful that her therapy she has started will help her figure that out. I just do not know what to do. It's hard for me to stay distant, or stay silent, and come off like I do not care, and it is also hard to approach, when I am the cause of the issue. Everything I have read lately as far as how to help her heal I have been doing. I have never once have been angry with her about her feelings or told her she should "get over it". Active listening has been my biggest downfall I believe and have been working on that. Instead of having answers, being empathetic. I think time is my only friend in this. This "180" she is saying I have done the past couple of months is all I have changed and now things are finally being addressed. I haven't really tried to start changing things until recently and now that I have i know that she is scared. I want to reconcile with her, and work past this. What is also discouraging is that her therapist has mentioned my wife and I going to couples counseling but also made the remark that she doesn't know that anyone would want to work with us because of how far things have gone. I did tell her today that it was wrong of me to stop her from going to therapy when the last affair had stopped. That was not right to do.