My husband is a serial type of infidel...he has multiple affairs...a Clinton type, Kennedy type..etc..<P>He likes "different stuff"...but he refuses to get a divorce because I am the normal side of him..the side he wants the public to see and for him too...I am the spiritual part...the nester...the caretaker etc..he said that if I divorce him he could no longer work, therefore no alimony, no child support etc..I would be living high on the hog for about 6 months until the money went dry...I haven't worked outside the home in 15 years..our agreement: stay at home mom, give up career, do all the responsibilities, do all his corporate stuff, taxes, payments dues licenses etc. and be a homeschool teacher... 4 kids... the oldest is done with college..but I have 3 that are 13 and under! All were homeschooled...never been in a school! It would devestate them to give up all their ballet...it is their emotional release place...they are way above their age level in some areas and at level in one or two areas....but the oldest agrees that sending me off to work and finding childcare will never pay the bills... I never thought he would do this!!! He doesn't want divorce...he wants to keep going....what ever that means...I can't trust him so I will have to put up with him and get my stuff together check out a lawyer...I guess...I don't know...go back to school? I still have a little one...almost 8...I could do night school but ballet ends at 9pm ....I think I am still crazy...but at 4 months post "enlightenment" I am getting closer to the ME I knew and loved...he will quit work if I leave him...hmmmm<P>what do ya do? I hate all the nasty stuff that comes with his affairs...he is really crazy! His psychiatrist said he didn't think he was a sex addict...hmmmm...of course this guy is 70 years old and said if she doesn't keep you satisfied why are you making yourself miserable by staying with her! I think he needs a therapist...<P>I am stuck...and miserable! I have done all the marriage building stuff that I can do...but some things are not fixable! I had better just be a robot and keep him happy forget my integrity and get a career going so that I can leave....never thought I would have to start over rock bottom at 45....we made an agreement...he promised...I really did keep my promise! That is why I have been so crazy! I never ever guessed that this has been going on for so long...after finding out 4 months ago...I have lost at least 3 months of memory...shock...and lots of weight...97 pounds....surgery...yeah got real sick...he flipped me out! I am living with a real nutcase! He is into perverted stuff! Who would have guessed?....<P>Now that I know he talks pervy to me now! He never did before ....didn't want to get caught but now it is all out in the open and he is really off the wall! Says nasty stuff all the time..the kids are scared of him sometimes...what am I to do? I tell him and he is good for a couple of days depending upon how upset I get with him...seems as though he is into S/M stuff both ways....the last OW said that she had to get drunk to do some of the stuff! Great!<P>At least I am not THAT crazy!

Uh, hmmm....<P>Well, first off, which state/country do you live in?? In the US, he's gonna pay child support for his kids no matter WHAT you do!<P>Secondly, if it feels abusive - it is! This sounds abusive. Does it feel abusive?? Your kids are afraid of him? This is bad. I'd consider a shelter if it's gotten to the point of abuse. What do you think?<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

love?<P>I hear you loud and clear...<P>My wife has also (before she left me in August) was starting to get into S&M and bondage with OM... yuck!<P>I do believe you've got to protect yourself... your kids... your finances...<BR>I've made the following suggestion to sevral people at this site who needed protection!<P>Do a lawyers search at <A HREF="http://lawyers.martindale.com/marhub/form/by.html" TARGET=_blank>Martindale-Hubbell</A>. Search by your county... look for only "family law" specialists (at least 80% of cases are family law related)... choose from those who are on "family law committees and boards"... and maybe even know the judges. Ask for free advice first... many still do this (but not all!)<P>I never want to encourage a divorce... I am still fighting to get mine stopped. But... you have to plan ahead... you can't take care of your kids without support (especially child support!) Protection is good... love busting is bad... this is one of the hardest balancing acts to follow... I know it!<P>Prayers are coming your way too... <P>Jim<BR>------------------<BR>I can dare myself... I'll put a pebble in my shoe...<BR>I can walk... I can walk! I shall call the pebble Dare...<BR>Dare shall be carried... And when we both have had enough<BR>I will take him from my shoe, singing... "Meet your new road!"...<BR>Finally glad... Finally glad... That you are here... By my side...<P>

Thank you, I will cherish all the prayers that I can recieve! It is so very hard when there is a true deviancy...so hard to know the path...so difficult to know what is right and what is safe...I know now that I have been abused, drugged, and humiliated...until I lost myself, the affairs , knowing about them actually were a blessing as I will never let anyone inject me or hurt me again, nor will I allow myself to feel so belittled that I do not find my soul, no the identity of him was right, I can now look through my eyes not the vision that he placed in my mind...honestly there was so much emotional abuse I am ashamed that I would allow such a thing...but not mad at myself...I just kept thinking that it would get better, that love must be there as the children are unbelieveable! People stop me and ask how they became this way, so polite and funny and outgoing yet so respectful....well I will only say it here, dad was never around...12 years out of 15 he was having affairs...it has been so lonely and abusive...I have a 160 IQ and yet it means nothing from the heart...I believed in him, I trusted him until I lost myself, but I am back! No more rapings under anesthesia! One cannot believe what can happen so insideously! I am alive and it is so good!<P>Yes I will find a lawyer in the new year! My children are "stars" in a major Nutcraker and will have 21 performances all of them! I will be there for them! I will not drag all the negative, because I will learn to forgive the poor crazy fool for his imeptitude and for losing me, the only one that has stuck by him for so many years....he has nothing, but himself and what a burden! No, I often wondered what I did to have such hurdles, and I think that this is a major test, and I will pass. I have lots to give perhaps teaching him that love is pure and forgiving is good yet my safety and the children are foremost in my future...I have to be his friend for the kids...they must not lose self esteem for my poor judgement...he was so different in the beginning...I never would have known...truly my world has been shaken but there is a higher being that can put me on the path to peace and I am beginning to feel that peace and strength so that no harm will come to me nor my children...I can't promise what the H will do to himself..that is not my purpose only to be a good role model from my heart...please send me your thoughts/prayers I trust in good over evil and though I am not overly religious I do have a strong spiritual side that is helping me through, we were married by a very spiritual man on an island, I trully took my vows as my path...it has been so painful to go with one that has no regard, no sense of anything but that the world owes him pleasure...ah well enough of indulging in the past... life is here and I am part of it, I am. So are my kids, we will be OK...next year I will be assertive and will take the long walk toward lasting peace, that is my dream...he won't be able to hurt us.<P>Thank you for the input, It is getting easier every day...Yes the AMA is in every state! He cannot avoid us...I believe that he so desperatly needs me because he is so very self indulgent that is very core is now a question for him morally....he trully has gone the distance! One that cannot be glossed over as a hangover or a blackout...he will be haunted for the rest of his life...sure he saves lives everyday...yet he has hurt so many! This cannot just be rationalized away. He is a smart man sometimes, it must eat at him...I would never not ever consider nor even entertain the acts he has done...he is seriously a danger...especially to me.

love?<BR>I don't know that I can add anything to what other people have said. I, too, am homeschooling 4 of my kids (two are in college). I am also 45, and although I have only been out of the workforce entirely for less than four years, it took me 7 months to find a job - and now I am working part-time while still trying to homeschool, and it's awful - and my kids aren't even involved in ballet! I am amazed at how many people I have "met" on this and similar boards who are homeschooling - I think it is 3 or 4. When you think about how much family commitment is required in homeschooling, it seems ironic - as does the fact that most of the divorced women I know are La League Leaders.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Nellie1 (edited November 13, 1999).]

First off love?, "you go girl". Sounds like to me you have got it all figured out, with the exception of your husband pervertedness. Although now I am divorced, I have stayed in contact off and on since August of this year with my ex. I didn't want the divorce, and still love him wholeheartedly. But guess what, his is like your husband. He has had affairs, but as far as I know on his first wife. He had one on me when we separated last yr. and I was foolish enough to pay him back. (he cant deal with that either to this day). But he is very into porn, and even wanted me to get naked in front of the web cam with him, so other people can watch us and vice versa. Not going to happen!!! He admitted to a few other things I wished he didn't tell me about, so now I quit trying to salvage us, and am now just praying intensly to God to help him and change his heart. If this happens then we can work on us again, but not until then. May not ever happen and I have to accept that.<P>One thing you mentioned that I didn't agree with was you felt you had poor judgment. I feel you are like myself and you wanted to believe and trust in him. My ex always joked about things, but that's all I thought it was, a joke. They deceived us into believing they were a different type man than they really are. I know that satan has a grip on them, and we have to pray for God to lose them from the evil binds.<P>Do pray for him, and do whats right for your kids. If you can, I ask you pray for my exhusb too. I still love him and can't live with knowing his soul will burn in Hell unless he changes.<P>((((hugs)))

love?<P>Please start looking for a lawyer now...<BR>I know it is a hard time (with the holidays coming up)... but let me be honest with you... it took me almost 2 months before I could find one who I could really feel good about...<P>The Martindale-Hubbell site I mentioned is a really good place to start off in.<P>I'm praying for you again tonight...<BR>No one deserves the kind of abuse you've gone through... protect <B>YOU</B>!<P>God's love be with you... <P>Jim