My H visited me and the children this past weekend for 4 days - Melbourne Cup weekend here in Australia. It was an ok visit, a lot better than the first. We have only been separated for 2.5 months, but his affair has been going on for 6 months. I found out about it whilst we still lived in Melbourne and we tried counselling but he really wasn't interested. He works with OW, she lived 2 streets away (with a friend of ours) they caught the tram to/from work together etc etc etc. Makes me sick. However, this visit was very friendly, we made love, but he still wouldn't talk about the future with me. He said he couldn't commit to me, and he had nothing to give ANYONE. Does this mean OW also? Then he mentions that he has been wondering what to get me for Christmas. I wasn;t going to get him anything. He will be in Brisbane with me and my family for the Christmas season which can't be easy for him to think about, but where is his mind? Christmas present for his ex-wife??? Should I perhaps get him one of those tacky big beer glasses with "World's Best Husband" on it!!!<BR>I have since found out that he has met the OW's family, and that her sister and sister's fiance have moved in with him - to help pay the rent - yeah, right. How far is this mess going to to. has anyone else out there been left in such limbo, not knowing whether its on or off? He also told me that the feelings for her were dying, and it wasn't moving ahead, he didn't have the longing that there should be where she is concerned. Is he just trying to protect my feelings so I won't get hurt ? Doesn't he realize that there is just about nothing left inside me to hurt anymore - I feel that he could say anything to me and it JUST COULD NOT HURT ANYMORE !!<BR>Can anyone shed any light on where my H mind is at - or has he lost it completely.<BR>Our marriage previously was good - no arguing or fighting, just the normal corporate marriage, not enough time for each other and what little time there was was spent with the children. It is so clear to me now where I went wrong - not making time exclusively for him and us, but I fear it is too late. Please help with any insight at all.<P>Thanks Jo<BR>t

Brief history first:<BR>My H has been living with OW since June and he has filed for divorce. He has been seeing this OW for almost two years. Last May was when I rediscovered the affair which should have stopped year before.<P>Your H sounds like mine in a way. Since he left to live with OW reality has set in. After I told him I wanted him to come back home and that I still loved him he could not commit to OW or myself. He admitted he could not see future with OW delveloping into anything. He has told me he will be home before Chritmas and I wonder if that will happen for sure. It seems like I am the OW now. He trys to come see me and his daughters whenever he can. He has to make up stories to OW on his whereabouts. But it does make me stop and think: Could he be leading me on? or what?<P>I have been in a state of limbo ever since he flirted with the idea of coming home. He doesn't understand when I tell him how hard this is for me. Before he leaves me after a visit, I ask him how does he think I feel that he is going to this OW and sleeping with her? He tells me to hang in there and he will be back. <P>I really don't understand where my husbands mind is, but it sounds like its almost in the same place as your H's. <P>I have been married for 22 years to this man which involved no horrible fights or things like that. I can relate to the fact that we did not spend enough time with each other. I was busy raising kids and he was working. What else could we do? My kids are older now and I have time for him, but he is not here. I always dreamed of the day we would be "just us" kids grown...etc. I know there is hope for me and I have learned that it is never to late to start over. <P>I hope the best for you.

Hi Pinky<BR>thanks for your response. I did a little love busting the other day, I rang OW and OW's mother !!! I cant believe I did it, but I'm glad I did. I let OW know that H and I had made love on his visits to me, boy was she shocked. She obviously thinks/thought she had him all to herself. I let her mother know (nicely, as it's really none of her fault) that it was because of her daughters affair with my H that I left Melb to live in Brisbane. I think the mother had been told that it was all over when OW got involved. Now she knows that I left because of OW. Would love to be a fly on that wall this weekend. Mother said that "this had gone too far and gone on for too long and she was going to ring daughter.!! Is someone finally on my side to see that H has done wrong. everyone else just seems to bury their heads in the sand and not want to get involved. Thats expected from friends etc but surely H's parents should be saying to him "son, what the hell are you doing?" Sort yourself out before you get involved with anyone else.<BR>Or have I got MY head in the clouds???<BR>We were married 9 years, and together for 12.<BR>Good talking to you<BR>Jo

Hi, Bonnet,<P> The part of your post was the part where you say that you and he made love when he came to visit. I wonder if that's such a good idea or not. My reasoning is that, if he can get what he wants from BOTH you and the OW, then why will he feel that he has to make a definite committment to you? If "no committment" still gets him sex, then why make the committment? This way he seems to be getting the best of both worlds. What might happen if you went into Plan B and had no more contact at all? Do you think that he might get jealous of what he now can't have and he might realize that you are a cut above the OW. It;s human nature to want what we can't have. The more we can't have it, the more we pine for it! I once heard someone say, in reference to why he had never married but was involved in an affair with someone that he could "see" at will: "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" Just a thought.

Hi wealtheow<BR>thanks so much for responding. <BR>I have had the same thoughts believe me, but I guess how I justify it to myself is that I really believe neither of us planned for it to happen. I certainly didn't, and he was so nervous and unsure of what to say and do I really dont think he had anything planned on that score.<BR>His future visits however, will be entirely like access visits, with me completely out of the house. The only reason I was there for the past 2 visits was because our baby (18 mths) doesn't really know him I guess, he was never home when she was up - he was always at work. I was worried about how she would react to being left alone with him and me not being there. However, any fears I had are unfounded, she adores him and obviously does remember that he is her daddy. The one thing I cant fault him on is his love for his children.<BR>Hopefully in the future, with me out of the house for the entire weekend (I'll stay at my sisters) that solves the making love dilemma. I know that it was the wrong thing to do, in the sense that it does give him the best of both worlds (what sort of idiot am I??) but it 'just' happened.<BR>Could you please point me in the direction of Plan B - I've read so much about A & B but I don't know what they are.<P>Thanks for caring<P>Jo